The Tough Times

~ crumbiniville ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes, it isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes, there will be hurt feelings and wrong doings. Some could say, from far away it’s probably easier to cope with these types of situations because you’re already getting the space you need in order not to be at each other’s throats. But, for most people, the distance makes these situations almost unbearable.

It can be hard to stay motivated and remember why you’re going through this struggle, especially when going through disagreements and arguments. You can’t hug your significant other, you can’t surprise them with breakfast or with a smile, and you also can’t have a sit down, face to face talk where you can SEE the emotions of the other person. Personally, I feel like Jai and I haven’t had that many rough patches, luckily, but lately, it’s gone from my idea of rainbows and sunshine, to complete and utter chaos.

The time is getting closer to finally being together, 1 week, actually. We have been doing this long distance relationship since Oct 2015 and it’s July 2017. Through this time, we have seen each other 6 times, for maybe a week to 10 days at a time. Everything we have known in this relationship has been Skype, phone calls, texts and written letters. I don’t know how it is to live with her and vice versa. But in a week, we will be living together for the rest of our lives. Throughout this LDR, I have tried to keep a positive mind set, I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided to continue this relationship with her, so I told myself from day one that everything would work out just fine, just keep pushing and remember that this is about love. I can’t tell you what was truly on Jai’s mind and heart about us, but I can say for a long time, everything seemed pretty amazing. But then the monotony set it.

It’s annoying to talk about the same things over and over again, it’s annoying to not have much to say because the days just seem to blend together. It’s frustrating to be missing someone so much and knowing that there isn’t a damn thing you can do to bring them to you any sooner than what is already planned. There were days that my heart literally felt like reaching through the phone and pulling her to me, I just wanted her to physically be with me. Lately, I see her face on Skype and instantly I am annoyed. I’m annoyed to see her happily going throughout her day, hanging out with friends and going on adventures that I dream about and think about doing with here every single day. I’m annoyed by her sense of lack of understanding when it comes to my sadness (where I usually get sat, Jai get’s angry or indifferent) and I am annoyed because I feel like a routine that we have had for nearly 2 years in our LDR, has been flipped inside out.

We stopped texting each other goodnight or good morning, we stopped sending each other little gifts or written letters or drawings, we stopped going on our dates once a week for Pho or pasta… pretty much, we stopped doing everything that were the little things that were holding us together. I can’t say when the exact moment was when it all started to feel like it was crumbling, but I’d say for about the past month and a half, we have had more arguments than ever before. I am extremely resentful that Jai can go hours sometimes a whole day without talking to me. Thinking about it right now actually makes me tear up. I miss her and I know she is going to be here so soon, but I can’t help but wonder why things have changed all of a sudden. Is it that she is scared to finally come here? Has she found someone else? There any many things it could be, but without communication and paying attention to one another and valuing each other’s feelings… all I can do is think. All. Damn. Day. I think. It’s unhealthy at this point, and a part of me wants to be able to just say fuck it and pretend like my feelings aren’t hurt and pretend like this is all normal, but it’s not. I don’t want to lie to myself. I’m tired of being sad over all of this. I don’t have all the answers, but I DO have to will to keep pushing for US. I know there will be a new dynamic in a week, and we will have all the time in the world to reconnect, but does that mean that none of these hurt feelings and anger have ever happened?

Everything feels so confusing to me right now because for the longest time, I would NOT allow my brain to slip into a state of question or uncertainty about our relationship. I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, WE are fine and I can’t wait til we are together again. One day.. I stopped doing that. I feel like my world was flipped, everything I never allowed myself to think or feel about us and her, I started feeling and questioning and analyzing. At this point, I’m angry. I don’t deserve to be ignored or talked to like I’m nothing, I don’t deserve to be ridiculed and made fun of for having emotions, I don’t deserve to purposefully be made jealous and a ‘test’ to see how I will react. I don’t fucking deserve to be fucked with like this.. and I don’t know how to go about forgiving her right now.

Sometimes, you just can’t fool yourself into a positive mindset when the Earth below you is clearly on fire.

Hey February.

~ crumbiniville ~ Leave a comment

I just got off the phone with my twin brother. He sounds clean and healthy. He’s been calling a lot more lately, and I’ve been trying to work on my communication with him. Some days I am bitter and I am  short with him, and others I am chatty Kathy. I definitely have resentment towards him, built up over the years; I know as a part of his own personal healing, that my attitude is not beneficial… but I too am working on my own healing. I got a chance to spill a little bit of what’s been on my heart for the past 6 years after he apologized for not being a part of my life. He admitted that he put our relationship on the back burner because he had his own problems to deal with and he ‘knew that we would work it out much later in life.’ I can appreciate that, I know where he is coming from, and yes, he definitely did and still does have things that he needs to work out, and I’m thankful that he has had the opportunity to do that and it seems like it’s really sinking in this time. He also admitted that his mind has played tricks on him and has caused him to think that our family wanted nothing to do with him, when in the back of his mind he kept telling himself that wasn’t true.

Schizophrenia is such a crazy disease, no pun intended; let alone being a infantry veteran with PTSD and major drug abuse problems… I will never blame him for going through the struggle he continues to go through, but I did have to remind him that EVERY SINGLE DAY he has been the topic of discussion in our family, and I say that with not an ounce of exaggeration. He has never been hated or unloved, our entire family has suffered for years. There has been anger, unimaginable sadness, violence, good memories and bad… but when it comes down to it, all we have wanted was for him to be better and to feel like a whole family. Each one of us has resentments towards one another… it has taken years for me to try to understand why I was born with a twin, but have grown into an adult without. I went from spending everyday with him growing up with such a unique bond, to having nobody there. I went through a lot of growing as an individual, I didn’t know who I was without him, it was like somebody cut off the entire left side of my body and expected me to carry on, as normal, through my day/life. I resented him for seemingly not caring anything about me, for not being there for my parents, for having me carry the burden of taking care of our family (my parents).. my mom has health issues, he was never at the hospital, my sister has 2 kids and he doesn’t even know who they are, my parents are aging, they’re in their mid 60’s and I’m dealing with the conversations of how they wan to be buried, what they want to do with the house, power of attorneys.. etc. I would have loved to have worked as a team and felt like a whole support system… but life is a funny thing.

This has all been about growing. I can be grateful that I’ve had two loving parents who have been my support system through the years. If I hadn’t been dealing with the ‘loss’ of my twin, I may have not gotten the opportunity to build such a close and strong bond with the two people who mean the most to me.We have struggled together. I can be grateful that I have learned how to be independent, when I was younger, my brother was so much more of an extrovert than I was, he made majority of my friends for me haha, sounds crazy, but it’s true. I was just awkward. I have learned how to be my own person and not rely on someone else to give me confirmation that I’m always searching for. I’m grateful that we are now working on re-developing our relationship, rather than being close up until now and then all of a sudden have a falling out. I feel like it’s harder to deal with those the older you get… we still have time. I’m also extremely grateful that he is alive and wasn’t killed in the line of duty. I will keep it at that.

Through talking to him on the phone tonight, I have realized something… his mind works much more differently than most. He get’s lost in thought very easily. He is perpetually bored. He WANTS to do something… but he doesn’t know where to start.. so I am grateful that we are talking again and that I feel like I have found a way that we can bond again. While talking to him he kept saying “I’m bored…. I guess I’ll watch tv… but I don’t want to watch tv… I’ll just go to sleep… but I don’t really want to go to sleep… there’s nothing to do…” So we started talking about goals and I found out that the way his mind works now is that of Dori off finding Nemo. He forgets VERY quickly and he also has to be told what to do step by step… having figured this out, I said ” do you have paper you can write on?” he said “uhh yea, hold on let me get my paper……. what do I write?” (we had JUST talked about what to write)… I said “Monday… call (so & so)…. get stamps… mail letter… go to court house and get attorney”etc. After this conversation we had, it was like his voice was filled with hope and happiness… like he appreciated the fact that someone was trying to help him figure things out and untangle this web that he is circling. I told him “You should call me every Sunday and we will make a list for the upcoming week.” and he loved that. I make lists myself, and I’d love to help him do the same if it means that he can start working towards a life that he wants. I’d love to see that for him. I’d love to help him create his new life. That’s my twin… I’d do anything for him.♥

Almost 30

~ crumbiniville ~ Leave a comment

So… this year, 2017, I turn 29. I’m THAT much closer to being 30!! I certainly don’t feel like I’m almost 30, but sometimes I feel like I’m in my 40’s. I feel young at heart, but I also feel like I don’t really relate to those who are my age. My parents had me and my brother when they were 32 and 34… and I’m convinced that their grown personalities have been imprinted into us since day 1. It makes sense to me. If you’re 18 or 19 and you have a child, then I feel like your child is learning from an 18/19 year old mind set.. so if you’re 32/34, you’re teaching your children from a little more of a developed (hopefully) mindset. I’ve always been able to relate to people who were quite a bit older than me, but I do find it difficult to relate to people my own age.

I went though my party phase between the ages of 15-20ish.. then I went through such a tedious growth period where my world sort of got flipped inside out ad upside down. Now, at the age of almost 29, I feel SUPER far away from that party stage, and sort of like I’m supposed to be smoothing out the rough edges of who I am/ who I want to be. I recently got married, and I think that has impacted my life in such a great way. I finally feel like an adult… before I was married, I felt out of place, like “Wow, I’m almost 30 and I’m still dating, either I’m not serious enough for a serious relationship, or nobody wants to be with me for life.” I don’t think there is anything wrong with NOT being married, in fact, at one point I actually considered just being single and adopting a child and being a single mom and doing my own thing in life and taking care of a child. But, I met my wife, and she wants to build a life together just as much as I do, and it’s an amazing feeling.

I find myself wanting real companionship these days, not just a friendly acquaintance. I feel like I want to be a good role model, which can also come off as ‘too good’ or ‘no fun’ to a lot of people who’s only goal is to go out and get drunk and sleep around. For the most part, I stay to myself right now, working on volunteering as a crisis counselor and studying for promotion and looking into starting some college classes soon. I have goals, but I’m lonely for a real friendship. I’m afraid I’m so used to being by myself that I’m actually not opening myself up to opportunities to make real friends. If anyone is reading this, feel free to offer some suggestions.

Anyway.. I’m almost 30. I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean… but it will be pretty cool to see how my life looks in a few years from now. I’m expecting quite a few changes. ♥

Everybody has a story.

~ crumbiniville ~ Leave a comment

This personal side of me is a side that not many get to see. I’ve decided to stop holding myself back, holding things in, and share them. I used to do online journaling, I had YEARS in my archive on blurty, does anyone remember blurty?? It was the same time that LiveJournal was a thing and I think there was another really popular one… along with when AOL would let you build your own webpage and people would just fill it with shout-outs to their bff’s, lol. Sad news, blurty has shut down, which I think is very unfortunate because if I had known that would happen, I would have backed up all my years of journal entries I had on there… but there is always time to start fresh, so here I am.

I want to be bigger than myself, I want to help others. I feel like through the years I have developed a callous emotional boundary, where inside, I am caring and genuinely want to help those who seek advice or a shoulder to lean on.. but on the outside I can come off sort of ‘not-my-problem-ish’. It’s not good to compare yourself to who you think you used to be, but I often do, because I remember when I was able to understand what people were going through and I FELT the connection, I could FEEL the empathy, and I feel like I always was able to clearly identify a solution or even just allow the other person to heal. But somewhere along the way, I have buried that.

My life has changed drastically in the past 2 years, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life! 2016 was a huge year for me and 2017 is going to be just as big, but it almost feels like I got amnesia, like I only know my life for the past 2 years. Every now and again I will get into a funk, and memories flood back, and the problems that I hear other people talk about, I can relate to but I don’t open my mouth about it, because nobody likes a know it all. But if I can just post it on the internet and get it off my chest, then maybe I can help at least 1 or 2 people who struggle through certain things, and at the very least, it can be my own outlet to finally release these things from my heart.

I guess I will start off with what burdens my heart the most, most days. My brother. It’s the heaviest weight I carry, day in and day out. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and miss him more than words will ever express.meandcj

This picture was taken at one of our birthday parties, maybe we were… 12? This is my twin brother, CJ. He was my partner in crime since before birth. They way I’m talking about him makes it seem like he’s dead or something… but he’s still alive, and I guess that’s what I’m most grateful for. I have a friend that I went to high school with who’s brother passed away while serving in the USMC. I remember reading about it and balling my eyes out because my brother was also serving at the same time, and getting the news that she got, was my absolute worst fear.

My brother and I were all we had growing up, he was my best friend, but I never really understood that til after he wasn’t around anymore. Of course we fought growing up, we fought a LOT, but he always had my back when it came down to anyone else, and the same was true for me. We grew up in a hectic household, to say the least, and if it wasn’t for him, I don’t know how my life would have turned out. We had such an amazing way of creating our own stable reality away from the fighting and anger, we would tell each other our deepest feelings and he would promise that we would be away from there one day and live happy lives. We had dreams, big dreams, the universe was our limit.. but as we got older, we grew distant, we hung out with different people and the years of growing up in a household full of fighting and anger really took it’s toll on us. I would be resentful because instead of leaving the house, I’d stay and take care of everything to try and prevent arguments, and he would leave and escape and do whatever he wanted. Things eventually got so bad that my dad decided to move in the middle of our senior year, about 3 hours away, to the middle of no where, and it wasn’t long after that my brother joined the Marines.

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This was 2007 at CJ’s boot camp graduation. He enlisted in infantry, he did AMAZING while he was in, he made great friends, was great with guns, was super athletic, but he missed his freedoms. I was back in MD doing my own thing, but I really believe I was going through a major identity crisis. I had never known life without my brother. I had never spent more than maybe a week in my life without seeing my brother, and he was gone in what seemed like a blink of the eye. I started to realize throughout the years of being apart from him, how much of a part of me he actually was. I would catch  myself talking like him, using the same mannerisms, almost like I was trying to recreate and fill the void that was left in me. I tried to connect with people on the same deep level that I was used to with him, and it always felt like nobody ever really understood me.

I recently came across a video on my computer that I made for him while he was overseas, of what was on my mind, how I was feeling at the time.. and I had to delete it. It was depressing! I could SEE and hear in my voice how much I missed him and how confused I was. I didn’t know who I was without a twin. I feel like a lot of people go through something similar to this when a parent leaves or dies, or when they’ve been in a relationship with someone for a long time and then it comes to an end and they’ve spent years building this connection full of inside jokes and memories and comfort knowing you can depend on them, and then one day you wake up and they’re gone. I had never really been the most outgoing one between the both of us, and I turned into even more of an introvert. It’s hard to describe what was going on inside of me but it was like I didn’t feel safe to be myself without him there, I felt like I was weird and he was not around for me to have reassurance, to have that ‘it’s ok, I KNOW you’ feeling. I got into a pretty serious relationship to fill the void of missing my brother, but while I was in it I was constantly comparing this guy to my brother. Looking back, I never really wanted to relationship aspect of it, I just wanted to companionship, but guys don’t typically think that way and they often want MORE than that.. if you know what I mean. I knew from the very beginning that I didn’t want to say yes when he [my ex] asked me if we were together, but I didn’t want to say no and end up having nobody. It was selfish, but if I had just been honest from the very start, I would have saved him AND myself 5 years that ended in a real heartbreak for him.

I went through a lot of changes as a person while my brother was gone; it took many, many years to be able to wake up in the morning and feel ok with who I am as a person. My brother got out after 4 years of serving, and he dealt with addiction and mental disorders and that was even more of a struggle for US to deal with. It’s a funny thing that happens when you are trained to kill… they program your mind to feel no emotion.. makes sense… but they never reprogram it back… also makes sense. So, that level we connected on so deeply growing up.. was gone. It was like peeling an onion with no core trying to reach the brother I had always known and loved.

Fast forward (because this is getting lengthy).. to today. It’s been almost 11 years since I have really KNOWN my brother and had him as a part of my life, regularly. Currently he is in another Veterans hospital trying to stay clean and get the help he needs. I’m grateful that he’s alive and is still trying to be a better, happier HIM. But it doesn’t change the hole in my heart. I hear other people talk about their siblings, I see photos of them together on holidays or random trips, and I get a little bitter on the inside. I wonder if they hold those memories dear to their heart like I do, I wonder if they appreciate the bond they share, or their presence or their safety net of knowing you have a family member around who knows you more than anyone else… Everyday I say a silent prayer for my brother and my parents, that we can be together as a family again, before my parents die. It sounds morbid… but it’s the truth. There was a day a few years ago, 2014, that I was able to go pick my brother up and bring him over and a family cook out.. and it was a great feeling having him home, we just need to make it a more reoccurring thing that happens, get him re-integrated into the family… we have to re-learn each other and what it  means to be a family.10693779_296723810511512_929225683_n

Tis’ the Season

~ crumbiniville ~ Leave a comment

It’s that time of year again, cold weather and holidays! Some things have changed since the last post.. all I had to do was read the first line and I already knew that has been growth. I feel myself growing, as a person, and I feel  like my relationship has been along for the ride. I wake up in the morning now and I don’t feel overwhelmed or dread for the day, in fact, the past week or so, I’ve even had noticeably positive dreams where I wake up and I FEEL like I just stepped out of some feel-good movie.

A few months ago, I was working out with a friend of mine. He normally plays music on his phone so we can get pumped up and feel motivated, but this particular day, he had a series of motivational speeches downloaded into his playlist… hours and hours of extremely positive speeches. I’m not going to lie.. for the first 30 minutes of the workout I kept smirking like.. this dude is crazy… maybe it was because he was looking at himself in the mirror and talking to himself with all these positive words that were playing… but it was also partly because I had a judgmental mind-frame at the time, and these motivational speeches felt a little awkward to me. After I realized that this wasn’t just ONE speech, and that he wasn’t going to turn it off… I actually started listening to it and getting into it, I was actually grateful to hear the words and the message behind them… it actually made me feel like I could have been in the gym all day just working on myself and enjoying the experience, but as soon as I knew it, our gym session was over and I felt like I gypped myself for not taking it so seriously in the beginning.

After that day, I really started thinking about how those speeches made me feel, and I started looking into more motivational speeches/books. I came across 2 apps that I absolutely have fallen in love with, and I began using them every night as I was going to sleep. I honestly believe they have changed my world.. and they continue to re-enforce the positive that I am continuously learning how to cultivate in my life. I decided to change a few things about myself that became blatantly clear to me… 1. stop being so judgmental, on myself and others, even if I don’t speak how I feel about something, thinking it is just as bad. This has made a world of difference to me, it helps me stay positive about my surroundings, even if I don’t agree with someone else’s actions or words. 2. Be mindful of the energy that I am around and that I am taking in. I have a habit of listening to other’s and almost taking on THEIR energy, if they’re griping I feel like I am trying to understand from their point of view by allowing my own mind-frame and emotions to reflect their same state.. and this can been good for empathy, but I’m learning how to stray away from going in full force, just allowing myself to touch the surface long enough to understand them, then back out, back into my own positive mindset.

I’m loving the feeling of developing myself, and it’s slowly helping my relationship with my wife as well. We are in a long distance relationship (possibly starting a LDR blog soon) and so all we have is communication through the phone, most days. I have started to notice our own quirks and negative energies, even if it’s us just joking back and for with each other. I have been calling her out left and right when she has something negative to say about her life, job, car, money, etc. I know I’m driving her crazy with it, but I feel like by pointing it out, I am bringing attention to the behavior of negative self-talk, which I truly believe alters the way your life pans out. I told her about the apps I downloaded and she has tried them and also agree that they do make her feel better… which in turn makes me happy as well.. happy wife, happy life 😉

The first app I downloaded is more of a hypnotherapy app. I’ve listened to Michael Sealy a ton, if you’ve never heard of him, check him out on YouTube, he has a soothing voice and makes some pretty lengthy (which I like) hypnosis tracks. The app that I downloaded, however, is by a man names Joseph Clough, he’s got kind of an Australian accent, but he has a quite a few free downloads and a ton of others that are a dollar or two. My go-to tracks are: Confidence,  Self Consciousness, and Happiness & Confidence. I like to listen to these as I’m going to sleep and let the words resonate in my subconscious mind. I can’t say that it will work for everyone, but I feel like it really has helped me.

The second app I downloaded is called FlowDreaming and I am IN LOVE with this app. It’s created by a woman named Summer McStravick who has been doing podcasts for almost 13 years. She used to be on a radio show called Hay House but has ventured off into her own podcasts and even her own FlowDreaming school. She is PACKED FULL of positive energy, and when I listen to her podcasts I feel like she is untangling my messed up web of emotions and over thinking. I cannot say enough good things about her. I read reviews on her, and she has a section of negative reviews with people who just don’t buy into her happiness or her message, and all I have to say about them is that they are not allowing their minds or hearts to go into this in a non-judgmental way… and of course, if you have a negative outlook and you start listening to positive talk, it going to sound phony, because you YOURSELF do not emulate those feelings… but that’s why it’s never to late to start developing them.

Positive vibes ♥

 

Taking Charge.

~ crumbiniville ~ Leave a comment

Recently, in the past month or so, I have started noticing myself getting more and more sad. I know that winter is on its way, and I also know that EVERY year, around October, I start to feel like this. I tried to be proactive by taking Vitamin D and a multi-vitamin daily, but like any habit I’ve tried to keep up with, it didn’t last long.

I’ve dealt with many ups and downs throughout my life, but unfortunately, I think I’ve seen MANY more downs than ups. The crazy thing about it is, I don’t WANT to feel this way, but it’s like my brain will catch a hold of a negative thought and then just spiral out of control. Last year, was one of the BEST years of my life, I made a huge life change, made new friends, and found new love. I can honestly say that the happiness I felt was surreal,  I know I had NEVER been that genuinely happy before, and I cherished those moments. I remember thinking to myself “This is happiness… I am happy… I deserve this.” I always gave my gratitude to the universe because for the longest time I prayed to be happy and the time had finally come.

I held onto those feeling for a long time, but now a year and a half later, I’m struggling. I had a small episode where I reverted back into some of my deepest emotions. I never wanted to go back to those, but I’m not naive to think that I was permanently rid of all the negativity I once held onto. I also know that I am in control of my feelings. I’m glad that I can notice the change in myself, and I can see how it is negatively affecting my relationships and my own behavior, and that I am really TRYING to better myself. I just read and article on NLP, neuro-linguistic programming, which is a way to help your brain create new connections. It takes daily, mindful, practice, and I know that I was doing this exact thing (without knowing it) when I realized my level of happiness last year. I need to start with finding the positive in my negative situations, or what I believe are negative situations. It’s weird how 10 people could look at a situation 10 completely different ways just based off of their own perspective and feelings at the time.

So, starting today, I am going to practice being aware of my thoughts and actively working on changing them from negative into positive.

My First Post.

~ crumbiniville ~ Leave a comment

I’m so new to this blog thing… well, this NEW AGE blog thing. I used to have a blurty (anyone remember that!? They got rid of their site -_- ) and now I’m back with a blog! Crumbiniville is like my haven, my world, a safe place that I go when I want to get away from the hustle and bustle, it’s where I am happiest. I think each person has their own world they create, mine just happens to have a name to it so, welcome 🙂