This is my outlet. I’m coming to terms with it.

Normally, I try and go about things in life in a cautious way, especially giving too much information on something like this that can be tracked or be used against me in the future in some way. I was raised to think that way, so it’s ingrained, and it’s gotten me pretty far, in my opinion.

Anyway. I’m in the midst of a manic episode I think? I’m not a doctor or psychologist obviously, but I’m going through something right now that is creating panic within. I’m not scared or upset, but my mind is racing, my thoughts are racing and I’m out of breath. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, maybe even underwhelmed? I can’t decide.

First of all. I don’t know how I’m handling life right now. I’m all over the place, but it’s normal to fluctuate. Some days are good and I’m motivated about getting certain things accomplished, but for the most part I think I’m on auto pilot?? All I do is sleep and wake up and go to work. Honestly, the best part of my day is actually being at work, and even then that’s at a 4 or 5 out of 10. I don’t despise the job.. I enjoy talking to people and finding things to keep me busy… but I’m also bored. Being able to talk to other people is what’s making it  a 4 or 5.

Then I come “home”. And this house doesn’t feel like a home, and that’s foreign because I’d like to think that every place I’ve ever lived has felt cozy and homey at some point just because of the love I’ve put into it and the decorations and everything else that go into making it a home.

Also, I’m so. fucking. horny. It’s indescribable. I feel like I have swapped minds with your average male.. it’s on my mind ALL DAY. And, fortunately and unfortunately for me, I can’t just go out and find someone random to get what I need, especially in this mental state where I am craving human interaction and touch so viciously.

I have to keep my mind busy, or my hands busy or just BE BUSY doing something, which I have been failing miserably at doing lately. I come home and almost instantly go to sleep… which is mid-day for me, then wake up at 8pm or so, pop a melatonin and go back to sleep. I haven’t put away my clothes yet, I haven’t moved this hunk of plastic out of my yard, I haven’t called to get my gas for my house re-filled, I haven’t gotten my car inspected, I have barely been eating or fixing food… somehow I manage to keep feeding this fucking homeless cat that keeps coming around that I’m actually afraid to pet because it has a scab on its head and I don’t want rabies… I don’t know what my goals are for myself, I don’t find it interesting to read or watch movies or documentaries or learn a new language… I think I am just getting by.

I’m tripped out by the fact that I ACTUALLY am alone. Something that in my most hectic times I have BEGGED for; craved…. and here I am. And I’m having heart palpitations about it. I want attention, but I’m so needy right now that even the amount I’m getting isn’t good enough.

What is this shit?!

I honestly feel like I’m about to let some serious “crazy” shine brightly. And I don’t even care anymore. I won’t even try to make it make sense. I won’t delete the words and/or hope that family/friends don’t read this. It’s my outlet for now.

It’s been a little bit since I wrote here. I’ve been sick for a few weeks, but feeling much better. Still have some congestion. I did a 5 day fast and it felt good. Now I want to start doing them more often and focusing on becoming more conscious of what I’m putting in my body.

I’ve changed a few things over the past month or so, and I’m JUST starting to enjoy this process more and more. I no longer drink alcohol or beer, and I’ve successfully been out on multiple occasions where others have been drinking and/or wanted me to drink also and I have no given into temptation or peer pressure. I really like this aspect because I have realized that I can still have JUST as much fun as I would drinking, as I am sober.

Another thing that I am working on changing is learning to be alone. Not just in a relationship sense, but in general. I’m learning how to come home and do things that fill my time up. THIS has not been easy though. I sometimes will spend hours sitting in one spot not wanting to do ANYTHING because it seems daunting, or I will start working on something and become lonely and want to start texting or having some sort of communication. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, in fact I think it’s necessary. I am not in a position right now to be completely alone, I know myself too well for that, and I don’t do well, especially mixed with depression  and needing an outlet to vent my thoughts.

I was talking to someone regularly for a period of a few months, and it came to a screeching halt when I realized I was relying too heavily on that person to get my through my days. I’m dependent like that, but it’s been a huge struggle not to cave in and talk to them and get sucked back into that loop. The mind is habitual but the damn heart is hopeful. I’ve been learning how to LET GO.

I went to my second therapy appointment and we started talking about relationships in general, and he asked me why I feel like I always need to have someone to talk to. I told him I LIKE sharing my thoughts and talking about random things, I’m very intrigued by the human mind and what makes me think a way or do certain things. I love words and how they can be so powerful. My mind feels like it runs at lightning speed sometimes and if I’m thinking something I feel like others who are close to me should know, maybe just so I can get some kind of feedback or validation. I’m used to having my twin. After he left I had relationship after relationship, LONG TERM relationships at that. And those people turned into best friends and partners and my other half (as much as they could).. and I have never been in this situation where I HAVEN’T had that. Then my therapist told me something that I never thought about before, he said “it seems like your personal identity is made up largely of the relationships that you’re in”… YES. 100% true. It is. I’m usually VERY happy being in a partnership with someone, looking for a partner in crime, someone to share my life with and be on the same wave length and push through life together with. What is more awesome than that!?!?! Being SOLO!? Fuck no. EVERY single person who has ever been solo and tried to conquer something USUALLY always does so much better when they have someone else by their side.. it has to be a primitive thing. We just don’t survive alone.

I’m convinced that the reason we DON’T survive alone is because the MIND needs reassurance or some kind of acknowledgement of thought. Yes, we could all roam this planet and think that we have it all figured out, trial and error, living haphazardly.. OR we could have someone with us and relay our thoughts and talk about them and have points of views that WE have never thought about be brought up which would make for a better executed plan.

Long story short. I’m learning how to be alone, but I don’t want it to be forever. And it’s a process.

Anyways.

I’m still getting settled into this house and figuring out the European way of life. This time of my life will work out much better for me if I start and keep writing down my goals and lists. I’m turning into my Dad, for sure. I need it though, especially because my mind gets lost easily and unless I have a list of things I want or need to accomplish, I get stuck.

I spent a good deal of time taking care of my basic needs and surviving in a toxic environment while spending majority of my energy on helping others figure their shit out or try to stay on track that I feel like now the tables have turned a little bit. Now I’m the one that needs to be put on track, and I’m the one who has to do that for me. This might be my karma for being so bossy or thinking I knew the right way all the time. Let’s see if I actually do. I do ;).

I’ve been frustrated by the amount of time it takes to heal, as a person. I fucked up by developing expectations. I want to see results in myself quicker than the it actually takes. So I need to be more realistic. I went back through and was reading some conversations from a few months ago and realized that I’m actually following through with what I said I wanted for myself here. I’m very hard on myself and never think I’m doing enough or being enough… but I actually am. On my list was sobriety… check.. no boyfriend.. check… no random hook ups.. check… and working out more and taking care of myself… check check. So.. I’m on track, I need to keep acknowledging that. And I am not defined by weather I’m in a relationship or not.

❤

 

I’ve been pretty sick for a week now, trying to just get through it, but this is exactly how I felt when I had pneumonia a couple years ago, so I’m going to medical tomorrow. I rarely get sick, but when I do I feel like it just all hits me at once. Being in Italy has messed my stomach up a bit, not really sure what it is someone said “you might be allergic to garbage” which made me laugh because there is a LOT of garbage here in Italy, unfortunately.

I’m feeling better today, mentally. Obviously relationships have been heavy on my heart and mind, but I remembered something today that makes me want to try something different. I’ve been so quick to jump into relationships and give everything I have from day one, but I’m not letting things happen slowly and naturally. I’m not giving people time to know me for me, before jumping from A to Z. I want to be with someone who falls in love with ME, my personality, my intellect, my humor, just me. I don’t want another relationship based off of sex. My Mom has told me forever “be friends with someone first, that’s how it’s going to last”.. and I’m like yea yea Ma, I’m best friends with the people I’m with.. but am I? Or do we somehow just end up growing into that? Whatever it is, I haven’t been doing it right for a long time.

There’s this cringy term I’ve been hearing latley: “hook up culture” (why is EVERYTHING a ‘culture’ these days???). I can kind of see it, with all the dating apps and stuff.. I really hope that is not what I’m up against here because I don’t want that shit AT ALL. Honestly, my only real concern at this point is the fact that the older I get, the less likely I think I’m going to find a man who doesn’t already have children. I’ve dated someone who had 2 children, and I loved that person very deeply, even to the point where I wanted children with him.. but it didn’t work out, and I’m glad now. It’s not that I absolutely would NOT be with someone who had a child already, but I guess I just want to share that experience with someone who also doesn’t have any children. But I really shouldn’t be thinking about any of that right now, I need to keep focusing on myself and working on being a better person for myself. I do find my mind wandering outside of myself a lot, thinking about other people and what they’re doing, but I’m practicing refocusing on myself after noticing my thoughts drifting.

I’m moving out of this hotel room soon and I’m super grateful for that, maybe once I’m settled in I will be able to shop for stuff for the house without feeling overwhelmed.

The sun was out today, and a friend of mine said “I think the raining season is over”.. LET’S PRAY FOR THAT!!!

Something kind of embarrassing happened today, not directly to me, but I think I had a little out of body experience and saw this happening from an outside perspective. Out CMC took us outside and gathered us around to talk about our purpose here in Italy (which was really nice because I’ve been trying to figure out what we are actually doing, the big picture) and in the group of people of about 25, 5 were straight out of A school and the rest were relatively young. The CMC kept asking a bunch of questions regarding ‘players in the theater right now’, which is how the military describes who is at war and positions of allies and stuff, and nobody really knew. Nobody could really finish his sentences for him.. and I felt REALLY fucking stupid. It was embarrassing because he has this huge group of men and women surrounding him who are ‘serving and protecting’ and we don’t know about war details, allies, current events, politics in other countries, etc. It really made me want to start looking into all of that, just so I can at least have something to offer in conversation. I used to get this gouge called chinfo news where it would describe kind of what’s been going on in the military all across the world, I’d like to have that again.

❤

I am struggling.

It feels like my brain weighs 25 pounds. I’m sad and angry. It’s been raining for days here, and I’m bored out of my fucking mind. Beyond that, I’m extremely lonely. I guess this is what adjustment is like in a new place. It’s not like I haven’t made friends here, I have. It’s the lack of deeper connection. Maybe that’s why I can’t wait for therapy in 2 weeks, at least they will ask how I’m doing or what I’m thinking about.

I always tell people when I’m helping them, to say 3 things they’re grateful for. I guess now would be the best time to go ahead an apply that, get me a little bit out of this hole.

1. I’m grateful that I will be getting out of this hotel room in 3 days and have a home to go to.
2.  I’m grateful that I am financially taken care of.
3. I’m grateful to be in a new country and learning/seeing something new everyday.

I actually do feel a little it better from that, just saying ‘thank you’ for what I already have and where I am can be a real game changer. I have to keep remembering that I ASKED for this. I really did. It’s one thing to get the ideal set up, but it’s another to have to heal memories so they don’t keep making me feel fucking worthless. The brain is amazing though, isn’t it? I KNOW I can heal myself, but it’s like watching a garbage disposal spin inside the drain… those are my thoughts… and you can’t just stick your hand in there and pull something out.. it’d be catastrophic. You have to slow the blades down to a stop and then do what you need to.. and hope some children of the corn shit doesn’t happen and the thing just start up on it’s own.

I’m having a rough time trying to figure out where to go from here, this point, in my life. It really IS a weird concept… I mean, I have written down some career goals and personal goals like traveling and stuff, but as far as “where do you want to see yourself in 3 years”… I don’t know? My degree will be finished, hopefully both of them will… I’ll have money saved up… I’ll be working out… maybe learn an instrument or something… but after that.. what am I doing? Am I just surviving? Keeping myself alive? For what? Not that I plan on going anywhere any time soon, but what am I doing here? I don’t have a business where I’m helping people, I’m not an influence-r, I’m not a mother, I’m just… living.  Aren’t we all?! What is everyone else doing here?! Just going out and doing some random shit that causes some other random shit to happen and then you have an emotion or feeling about it.. and you keep doing it lol.. Thank goodness I’m taking macro economics, I think I have a good way of zooming out.

Side note… Proud moment.. I went to a club last night and stayed sober the entire time and still out-danced most of the drunk people in there! That’s 1 week sober.

 

Shopping for furniture is weird for me right now.. especially doing it alone. I feel a little apathetic about it. It’s just a couch, but I just imagine that I’m the only one sitting on it, then all of the options seem pointless.

Like Ice Cube said, today was a good day.

I recently learned how to drive a stick shift.. and I kept telling myself I needed to just drive it around in a circle for a bit to figure it out.. but I had places to go and just said fuck it and risked my skill on a 25 minute drive to my work! I made it, safely, and only stalled out once at a round about… but I was super proud of myself while I was driving and when I arrived.. it’s not as bad as I anticipated!

I finally got the keys to my Italian home for the next 3 years. I’m in love. I couldn’t have asked for a sweeter land lady and old grandpa to help me over the next few years.. my stuff should be here next week some time and then I can start making it feel homey. Christmas is around the corner and I need lights!!!

I also got lost today and found a little coffee spot that turns into a bar at night with a 3 liter bottle of Vodka on the counter that amazed me lol.. it’s the little things. I think getting lost is the best way to learn my way around because instead of just looking at the GPS the whole time, I actually start looking at land marks and signs. I also ended up finding a mall, randomly, and got some clothes.. I’m tired of wearing the same 4 outfits.

I can’t tell if I’m losing weight, because my proportions look the same to me, but I definitely feel better in clothes, and my knee caps don’t hurt at all LOL! The struggle was real with that pain last year. I still pop and crack like a granny.. but that’s just in my DNA I guess.

Consistency is one of my goals, and I think I’m doing pretty well with it considering I’ve been going to the gym about 5 times a week for the past month or so.. when I move into this house and have more room to put groceries, I want to start shopping at the local market and keeping fresh food around, I know my body is craving it.. I can’t live off oatmeal and eggs… I think my body doesn’t tolerate grains that well.. and dairy either, which is extremely unfortunate because PIZZA is delicious and I actually really like the mozzarella here.

I talked to my brother in an e-mail yesterday.. and since I’ve been sort of secluding myself to “find myself”, I started actually being able to recall some memories. Actually, all last night, since I ran out of benadryl, I just keep allowing my brain to flow into old memories that I completely forgot about.. it was really nice actually, it was like a little journey. I’m a very visual person, I can remember where I sat in kindergarten, I can remember what someone’s house looked like on the inside, I can remember exact details of certain things. I remember scenarios.. and I guess it was nice to be back in them for a small flash of time.

It’s weird because recently, a few people that I grew up with have connected with me.. and that also brought back memories, from as far back as the age of 6 or 7.. and it’s crazy because these people, even though they were only friends, are somewhat like family to me, for the simple fact that they make me feel like I’m at home or like I have some kind of support or protection. These people who knew me at my most innocent stages in life who grew with me were like brother’s and sister’s, and just by talking to them and relating, it’s been nice. It’s clear that we all took different paths in life.. but it doesn’t stop that connection we have. One of my brother’s best friends, who is also like a brother to me, is in prison and has been for years.. and it was nice to get a message from a mutual friend that I definitely forgot all about.. I said “he was like a brother to me” and he said “he still is he’ll be home soon”… and there was something about that message that made me feel like wow.. even though we all have gone in these different directions, we are still connected.

I had another friend of mine that called me by a name that only they called me and I haven’t heard in probably 15 years or more and I immediately smiled super big when I saw it… I used to have all kinds of random ass nicknames growing up.. squigget or squiggy… that was the one lol. I had a co-worker that would always call me sparkles, another that would call me apple crumb lol.. those names kind of just stuck.. I liked it though.. I guess that’s how I eventually just came up with Crumbini. I remember around the time when I started that I was going through some shit and trying to cope through artwork and meditation and chakra balancing really heavily, and I decided to try and imagine/draw what MY world would look like and what it would be called. Obviously if anybody knows me they know how much I love shiny stuff, sparkly things, diamonds, glitter, snowflakes, silver, rocks, crystals, etc… and the world I created had all that and more. I also tended to be pretty loud and obnoxious at times and ALWAYS wanted to be Italian for some reason (look where I am now.. it’s CRAZY).. so I chose the name Carolini Crumbini and my world was Crumbiniville. And it kind of just stuck.

It sounds a little corny but creating that actually helped me ground myself whenever things started getting too crazy, I could escape into my own little world. It’s also around the time I found the website http://www.near-death.com and it OPENED my EYES. I read the entire website. There’s something comforting about knowing that some people have had such vivid experiences in other dimensions. Especially since I was practicing meditation regularly.. I would have some of the most vivid dreams with colors I can’t even describe, and I couldn’t help but think that part of me was touching those other realities. Some people come back from near death experiences extremely depressed because they know nothing like it here on earth and just want to return to that place. And I can see where they’re coming from, but there is something reassuring about the fact that life is only temporary here. THANK GOD. People that say they want to live forever here… are out of their damned minds lol. That’s why I try to make it my own personal mission to bring a little bit of heaven to Earth.. I really do. Obviously I’m not perfect by any means, I still struggle like everyone else and I still make plenty of mistakes, but when I’m in tune with myself and my goals.. like LIFE goals or LIFE purpose… I feel like I’m succeeding, even if it means that I have to go through some really shitty things… maybe I’ve diving deep into pits negative energy to shed a little bit of light and hopefully bring someone out of that space. I’m not going to be destroyed here on Earth.. I might be down and out and have to re-coop for a while… but I really believe that I have endless amounts of love and light to share here, even on days when I struggle to see that in myself. That’s why this time away from people is good for me, I really need it to remember myself.

 

 

Today is my last full day in the States for a while! I leave tomorrow for Italy.

This is the first time in my life that I will be completely on my own, and the possibilities are not numbered. I have full control of my life now without input from anyone else! It’s crazy to even imagine right now, but I know that the only thing I can do is take it one day at time.

Lately, I’ve slowly been feeling again. It’s been a while but I’m glad I know I’m not broken, I was just shut off for a while, I’d reached my limits.. Learning how to be me over these next several months is going to be exciting.

❤

Looking back, the truth is, you never thought you’d actually like me as much as you did.

But we were too different. You weren’t ready for me.

You weren’t ready to take something seriously, ACTUALLY seriously for once. Unbeknownst to you, I’d been taking things seriously in my life for a long time. I actually needed some of your care free-ness, myself.

I give you props for trying, but we went 0 to 100 REAL quick.

I look at pictures and it’s CLEAR now… but hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it?

You weren’t happy and I was too hopeful.

4 years later… here we are. I should have left you where you were back then. You’d be much better off right now.

Honestly, I can’t complain about much except the loss of another person whom I grew close with and will miss, and daydreams and goals that will not come to fruition with you.

But YOU.. I’m not going to sugarcoat it.. for now you’ve got the shitty end of the stick. You really do.

But when you make it through this, I have no doubt your life will be so much better off than it ever has been.

So blame me now and cuss me out, but we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be, so thank you.

I’m finally free.

I want so badly to not have to keep remembering the past… sometimes I think I’m creating that possibility but rewiring my brain to forget more often. I just don’t want to be the kind of person that constantly looks back on life and thinks about all the shitty times.

Although, recently, I’ve realized that I actually do an amazing job of minimizing my experiences and remembering them as positive… which… let’s be honest doesn’t really sound like a problem now does it?

In the grand scheme of things… nothing is really ever that bad. We ALL get out of here dead, so why trip?

God, this already sounds like a manic rant compared to the past few weeks of posts.. but just wait.. there’s more.

I’m on here right now typing because my mind is replaying scenes and keeping a tally right now. Not that I even need to remind myself, but maybe I DO, since I’m purposefully forgetting shit (AND (triggered) my fucking blurty with yeaaaaars of shit is permanently GONE… #fuckyouBLURTY)

I don’t know what it takes to push someone over the proverbial edge… maybe literal… but GAWT DAMN… I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT, and I am still here… hardened a bit, but still moving forward with a vision and a desire to help others. I’ve been feeling so much more connected to that lately, and I know it’s my passion and my place here on Earth. It HAS to be, because I’ve been doing it for SO LONG. My whole entire life.

I think I remember what sort of prompted this earlier. It was a phone call from a friend of mine whose wife just recently went through losing their unborn child around the 7 to 8 week mark, yet not finding out until the 12th week or so. I checked on my friend to see how he was feeling, and sent his wife a message of condolences. Today, I get a phone call from my friend and he wants to talk about his experience at his new job, and I listen and am genuinely happy that he is doing so well and is happy. I ask about how everything is going with his wife and how they’re all feeling and he tells me it was such an experience that they don’t really even want to TRY to have another one, which is understandable. We talk about him and his life for a while and I mention I’m on my way home to visit my mom who is having a biopsy on her lung for possible cancer, and it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I take note (hence this written novel here) but I move on with the conversation which shifts back to him.

After the call ends, I realize that THIS happens more often than not, to me. In the last month, I’ve been physically assaulted by my almost ex wife, emotionally drained, depressed, had to pack up everything I own in ONE day and move it to storage, move in with a best friend, lose days of sleep, and deal with health concerns of my Mom.

BUT that is NOT ALL, for YEARS I’ve been dealing with a twin brother who comes in and out of my life only for small amounts of time while he is off dealing with his addictions, living on the streets, in and out of jail. I’ve driven 5 hours each way to see him on multiple occasions just to arrive and not be able to find him. I deal with the constant ups and downs of my parents who fight regularly, belittle each other, control each other, guilt trip one another, call me and tell me their sides of the story, and listen to them bad mouth my brother, while I visit them as often as I can because I know they won’t be here forever.. we live 3 hours apart and they’ve come to see ME — ONCE.. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, physically assaulted, had panic attacks, emotionally and mentally fucked with, been raped, had multiple miscarriages, lived in my car, been threatened with a gun, had my stuff stolen, destroyed, been used for money, sex, places to stay, been called a ni**er lover, and have been betrayed by people who I THOUGHT were friends.. and yet I still genuinely care about how some of them are doing.

The point of all this is, I have been through so many different stories and I still keep pushing on and wanting to help others. Some people ask if I’m ok, and it’s not their fault that I’m good at letting them in only surface deep, but some people don’t even TRY to look deeper, they don’t ask the questions that need to be asked. I would have liked it if my friend could have empathized with me a little bit or really asked how I’m doing.

The truth of it all is, I am FUCKING TIRED. I’m exhausted. I haven’t gotten a decent amount of sleep in God knows how long. I am deeply saddened, but I am numb. I can’t feel my emotions, but I KNOW they’re in there welling up, because I’m in a constant state of not being able to breathe, even if I’m sitting still. I’m fucking grieving the loss of someone who meant a lot to me, who I didn’t want to completely lose all contact with, but suddenly was faced with being assaulted and cut off immediately. I’m scared of moving across the globe, by myself, and leaving my parents, who have health concerns and are in the LATE 60’s, alone without family members (my brother) to check up on them and be there for them. I want so desperately to be held by someone stronger than me, emotionally, and just ball my heart out until I fall asleep safely, without judgement. But each day, I wake up, go to work, put on some kind of face (it’s really not even a happy one) and do whatever I can to make the time pass so I can go to sleep and do it again.

Sometimes I even just want to drive, and keep driving until I end up in the middle of no where, away from humans, and lay on the ground and breathe in silence.

Luckily, this numbness keeps me going and moving on. Hopefully the time will come where I can safely open myself up and deal with everything emotionally and cleanse my soul, because I can’t imagine being a living piggy bank of deposited shitty experiences, and never releasing them.

If anyone is reading this, thank you for taking your time out. It’s just a rant. Please send positive vibes strong enough to penetrate these diamond walls.

🤙