I’m actually enjoying being alone. It took me a little bit to get used to.. but honestly what are a couple months of my time compared to years and a lifetime!? It’s an awesome feeling to have most of my shit together and know that I did this. Now, the things that I have been neglecting are coming into the spotlight and it’s easier to start focusing on those areas of my life now that the clutter is cleared. I’m saying a lot more “no” to things that I don’t want to get involved in, and not feeling bad for it. Honestly, this could be the biggest year for me and my personal growth, all the cards are in my hands.

The whole sobriety thing was a nice thought  when I started in November… but it didn’t last long and honestly right now I don’t really mind that. I’m not an alcoholic and I enjoy going out and having some drinks, so as long as I’m not overdoing it and ending up in situations that are unsafe or undesirable, I don’t see a reason to completely cut myself off of that.

I signed up for tinder.. and instantly realized how pointless that was! I’m not looking for what tinder is offering, actually at this point anything relationship wise is out of the question for me completely. I’ve gone almost 5 months now without affection.. I can definitely keep going until I find someone who is worth my effort. That sounds pretentious but.. hey, it is what it is. I’m tired of letting other get the best of me.

I know this post isn’t the vitamin D talking, because I haven’t taken any in about a week.. so I’m happy that things are starting to look up.

I know something needs to be said. But words are powerful, more powerful than we give them credit. They’re energy, the voice is a vehicle for action. Sounds echo and form words that we’ve created. But we’ve created. Our voices reach until they can no longer keep moving, and where they land is where they create. Slowly pushing against other motions created by others created. Frequency. How frequently do we repeat our movements? Our sounds? Our thoughts. The precursor to our words and actions. Our initial creation from the created, a creator. You’re holding yourself together, molding yourself, and absorbing what you’ve offered. “Meditate.” Become STILL. A pond in an earthquake, its ripples seem infinite. A pond in the eye of the storm, seems untouched. Free yourself from the ripples you’ve created, and try again. ACTUALLY TRY. Control your mind so you can create what you want to experience, and protect against what may come your way because of another creators’ creation.

Thankful for the time we’ve spent.

I’ve given all my time, like money, every cent.

We have shared laughter, hate and tears.

Calculated: many months, many years.

Small stories, but the memories are stretched.

And each one, on my heart your name is etched.

“Family” – scattered.

Never doubt how much you’ve mattered.

Like everything else, there’s always an end.

Transformation from “family” to barely “friend.”

I’ve loved to love, dive deep and connect.

Now all the chains are cut; time to reflect.

A prime example of the purpose of life.

I can’t keep you, hopefully I’ve held you tight.

I’m spending more time with me.

The most in my life I’ve ever felt free.

I think I’ll stay here too.

Take care of me and not you.

If you get the chance, you should do the same.

Heal, re-energize, level up, that’s the game.

🎼Alicia Keys – Where Do We Go From Here

Time can feel like it’s frozen.. but then you catch yourself in the moment and realize that it’s never stopped ticking away.

There have been situations I’ve been in where I thought they’d never end; yet, here I am remembering them and not living in them.

I’m not exactly sure what the purpose of life is, but I’ve started realizing that my suffering is only coming from what I believe I want (and am not getting). I’m constantly disappointed by my expectations. But the truth is, I don’t NEED anything here. The ideal partner, kids, an awesome job, companionship, the perfect body, super knowledge… all the things that run through my mind every day that I am disappointed by because I don’t have them in accordance with my minds expectations of HOW I should them.

It seems a lot more simple to just take everything one moment at a time and not worry (future) or feel sorrow (past). Maybe that’s why we were all born to be creators.. biologically and physically.. to let your body create more bodies but let your mind create whatever it can imagine.

When I stay busy in my creative space, the outcomes are purely from within. A partner isn’t going to do that for me, children aren’t going to create that for me, the job, body, friends and family aren’t going to manifest what I feel inside… they’re only going to ADD to it.

I will still give pieces of my spirit and soul to those I meet and come to love, because I DO know that’s a portion of my purpose.. but I won’t let it be my ONLY purpose.

WORDS are powerful. And the mind is such a creative processor for imagination… so it’s no wonder at some point that we all get sucked into what someone is telling us, especially if we can actually PICTURE that world that’s being painted verbally.

But if you don’t follow through with actions then those words just become a fairy tale or worse, LIES. Doubt creeps in after that point whenever someone starts painting those pretty pictures again. It’s a cycle.

Someone talked about the 5 love languages book the other day, and I know my preferred method of being shown love is what you do. I can buy my own gifts, words of affirmation are nice, but again that’s where the doubt can set in if the actions aren’t speaking. Physical touch is nice, but if you’re not showing me in other ways, then this one is also null and void.

I’m not perfect either though. I paint tons of beautiful pictures in my mind, but when it comes down to what I want for myself I suddenly find the longest, most understandable list of excuses… so this time to myself should be filled with habit change, which doesn’t happen over night.

I’m starting school on Monday and that’s a routine I can get into.. like a building block to add to. Throw the gym in there and other things I wish to add into my life.. and hopefully one little small step at a time I can create this life that I actually want to live.

Which shoulder does the Devil sit on?

I think it’s the left one.

Vibe.

Kinda wanna switch places w my brother and go get fucked up and be out of my mind. Real shit. Then this would all make much more sense. But I’m TRYING and still sinking.

Gotta close the heart chakra & work on the solar plexus and sacral.

I’m lonely.

AS FUCK.

This life doesn’t seem worth living if it’s just me in it by myself. That’s not to say that I won’t keep living, I will… until my heart stops beating. I’ll keep going. BUT.. I’m lonely.

I’m learning how to cope with being alone, and it’s a weird feeling. My life has always been in the extremes, and what some might consider “normal” is probably this feeling that I have that is so different than what I’m used to. I don’t have to be all or nothing. I don’t have to have the world in my hands or throw it all away because it isn’t enough.

Most importantly, I don’t have to be so hard on myself. I’m learning and I living through these moments that are so foreign to me. I do have high expectations, for not only myself but for everyone around me.. I don’t have to do something incredibly amazing with my life to be worth a damn.  Right now I need this time to learn how to just be me AND be ok with that.

A couple things I’ve learned through therapy so far:

• I have an “all or nothing” mentality.
• I’m very hard on myself.
• My sense of self comes from my relationships.
• I never feel like I’m good enough because I have an unrealistic idea of who I’m supposed to be.
• I NEED structure.

I’ve known some of these.. but to hear it laid out in front of me is relieving. I didn’t realize how hard I am on myself until my therapist said “When you’re finished writing that book about quantum physics while laying on the beach after traveling through every single country and completing your masters in aeronautics and engineering… I’d like a signed copy”.. I was laughing so hard when he said that because he was painting this super hectic, intricate picture of my words but he was really saying “slow down” and that I don’t need to accomplish some crazy shit to be able to feel good about myself.

I’ve been processing my relationships, and when he asked why I suddenly became interested in women, I told him I didn’t suddenly become interested in women, I got interested in Jai.

The entire reason I joined the military was because I saw NO WAY out of the life I was living at the time and the relationship I was in. It was HECTIC and a never ending cycle of sick shit that I wouldn’t ever want to relive. Ever. And I got away by just waking up one day and going to the recruiters office. I CAN say, my trust in men at that point was at a whole zero. I lost a lot of faith in the idea that I would ever find a man who would be the kind of man that would treat me right and be strong for me the way I had been strong in my relationships. “Treat others the way you want to be treated”.. that shit doesn’t work. I gravitated towards Jai because she was loud and outgoing and I liked the way she was un-apologetically herself. In my mind I thought life with a girl would be so much more simple, less drama, cleanliness, and just pure bliss. LMFAO.

I really thought that. And mixed with the fact that I was already on cloud nine from being away from abuse and other factors, I was actually blissfully happy with Jai for a while. More so than I had ever known happiness in my life. That’s what makes this whole situation so heartbreaking when I see pictures of how happy I was, because that was GENUINE. But it slowly started fading over time, over little mind games at my expense, over her attempts to purposefully make me jealous, especially in a long distance relationship. Her drinking didn’t help the situations either. When we finally moved in together, I think we both tried to push shit aside and make the best of it.. but she cheated on me within our first year of marriage, and lied about it for over a year. But my instinct is never wrong, and I hate feeling stupid or played. Then the drinking got worse, her mental state got worse, our fighting got more intense and she put her hands on me on multiple occasions where she finally got arrested and I left. The country.

I NEVER thought I’d let a girl put her hands on me and get away with it, but I’m not a fighter, and I’m not willing to risk the ONLY form of stability I have, my career, on fighting back in self defense. I’ve BEEN there. In that exact situation. Except with MY OWN FUCKING TWIN. All I know is, I never deserved it. ANY time it’s happened to me, I’ve not deserved it. But it’s happened, and for some reason IT HAPPENS. It’s the shit that boggles my mind the most because people who love you shouldn’t be the same people who hurt you. But that’s all I’ve known and witnessed.. and I refuse to believe that because of what I ‘know’ about how love works, that my entire life will follow that suit. I don’t have it in me to go another round. Which is probably why I will thank myself in time for being so lonely rather than being abused.

PLUS.. I need to move on from the first half of my life and begin my second half… so I’m not 40 years old still reliving the past. Ain’t NOBODY got time for that.

I just pray that when the right person comes along that I know how to accept real unconditional love without thinking it’s a lie. Guess that’s why they say love yourself first. Be easy on yourself, forgive yourself, enjoy yourself with all your flaws and take care of yourself.

https://www.positive.news/society/what-went-right-in-2019/

https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/

I just found a website that dedicates its time to sharing the positive news, and I appreciate that. I need to read more of this – regularly.

Intentions. Let’s talk about those.

Intentions go hand in hand with goals. I’ve been practicing mindfulness again recently, after a conversation with someone from my past who reminded me (and assumed I am still the same as back then) of how mindful I used to be. Mindful in the sense that I purposefully recognized my thoughts and worked on putting energy into what I wanted in my life. I could heal myself, I was always speaking about visualization, energy and being aware of what type of energy I was putting out.

Well, needless to say, I slipped away from that ever since being in the military, and it’s been a struggle to get back to it. The military mind-set is so different than the one I had before I joined, and I’ve definitely gained so many new strengths from this new way of thinking, but I feel a need to try and incorporate some of my most genuine parts of myself back into my life.

Seems like such a funny thing to even think about, incorporating “myself within myself”, but it’s true. As we grow and age and go through experiences, we are always collecting new data and traits and dropping old ones, not even on purpose but subconsciously, to allow us to fit into the environment we are currently in.

I’m tired of suffering, I’m the only one creating that. Through it though, I have made it a point to stop and be grateful for what I have, because from the outside looking in, I’ve got it made, and I really DO, but mentally, it’s like quicksand… which isn’t actually quick at all is it? It’s thick like oatmeal and slow, but powerful.. I have no analogy for that one.

Maybe it’s the vitamin D and other vitamins I took today that are allowing my head space to make much more sense, or maybe it’s because I finally decided a couple days ago “fuck it”, this is where I am in life. I’m alone. It is what it is, and I don’t need anyone or anything to latch onto to fill this void inside of me. I have to embrace where I am right now, and I need to build these safe haven walls up a little bit and start living like a lone warrior. I can have anything I want in this life, and that even means that I get to decide who is in my life… and if you come in and your energy fucks me up and doesn’t sit well with me, no matter what my MIND wants to imagine (because my mind is always rainbows and butterflies), if it doesn’t vibe with me, you’re gonna keep moving be on your merry way and so will I.

I’ve spent entirely too long in my life allowing people into my personal space, head space, heart and home and letting them run wild while trying to adapt and be understanding and loving and everything else my mind was painting and my heart was hoping for… yet literally NONE of those people are here today, and that is a true show of how much they belonged here with me. And I them.

What I WANT is someone who connects with my soul and understands how to take care of the piece of my that is given. BASIC respect, BASIC in my terms… but so many people are fucked up and hurting and not healing and pushing through and grasping and giving half ass attempts… and I don’t want it… cuz I’m doing the same shit. And 2 half asses don’t make a whole ass, I don’t care what they tell you in biology.

Anyway. I’m going to leave everyone in the past, and even if my mind is telling me to try to connect with them because XYZ… I will keep pushing forward and growing this fence of mine. My Dad always tells me “you’re not an island”… well no.. I’m not an island, but I’m definitely going to be Area 51, or that sock you can never find in the dryer… or Wilson off that show back in the day with Jonathan Taylor Thomas ::sigh with heart eyes:: my first real love.

But, intentions. What a clean-slate-time to be alive.

 

The military uses the term “theater” to describe certain areas across the globe where events are occurring that might turn into a more serious situation. When I first heard the term, I thought it was odd that they would use such a term to describe a potential war setting, but it really does make sense when you take a step back. Everything we do in life, in love and in war is a tactic. Hardly ever, is it something that we do where it is spur of the moment… that’s not to say surprises and whims don’t happen.. but for the most part, our actions have some kind of thought behind them.

When you look at life as a theater, it’s almost like you can take the meaning of “life” and really make it something that doesn’t hold much value. In plays and movies we can kill a character and yet at the end of the performance they’re still alive, it was all just for show. I think we as humans act in a very haphazardly way, some more than others. It makes me wonder what their views on life are. Obviously we all should know and understand that this life is not permanent… just as a play or a movie are not permanent… maybe Harry Potter seems to go on forever or Lord Of The Rings… or Batman… those movies never seem to die. But… we’re all acting in a theater, we are all going to die.

I believe we all go to heaven. Even the worst of the worst. I believe there is a process based off the energy that you inhibit while you’re on Earth. Heaven is a high vibrating frequency, and heavens past that and past that until that vibration is so fast and bright that we are all ONE. If you’re on this Earth and you’re letting the negativity shape your thoughts and actions and you’re hurting others or yourself, you can’t operate in a high vibration until you start becoming more like that energy. So when you die, you stay in those low frequencies for what may seem like eternity.. I haven’t quite figured out time yet.. but slowly you will come out of that darkness that you’re in, even if it only take a tiny thought of hope or something just a tiny bit more positive than what you’re currently in. One. Tiny. Hopeful. Thought. At a time.

ONENESS wants every single particle of itself to come full circle. Harmony. Synchronicity.

So what is the purpose of this life on Earth then if we can all float around as molecules? Free will. Experiencing free will in a dimension where TIME is a factor and life is a process. Sometimes things happen instantaneously, sometimes it takes minutes, days, months or years to feel the repercussions of what we are creating. The truth is, we are never going to get away with what we think we are.

The energy that I keep putting out is not the kind of energy that I want to be living in.  I’ve got a beautiful mind, THAT is something I know about myself, something that will never change. I can imagine the type of life I want, the world I want to live in, I can make it as over the top as I want, because that’s my freedom, my thoughts, my world that I can escape to and be completely peaceful in. What I can’t do, which is obvious, is create that world in the snap of my fingers. Because TIME. And also because this world is not JUST MY WORLD, there are billions of other humans and energies and desires and thoughts floating around this tiny globe. I’m sure there is some mathematical genius out here that can calculate the amount of people it would take the think the exact same thought at the exact same time for a period of time to make some tiny little thing happen. 7 billion people times 100 billion brain cells time 60 seconds times 60 minutes equals 1 particle vibrating exactly the same at .000001 second. Or something. IDK.

Whatever. The point is.. I don’t ever want to lose my mind. Which means I have to take care of it, which means I have to take care of MYSELF, which means forcing myself to get out of the negative thought patterns, eating foods that make me feel good and healthy, sitting in the sunshine when it pops out after raining for 3 weeks straight, stretching my body, reading, writing, and creating. AND taking it easy on myself when I catch myself doing something I don’t like. It all seems so easy, and one day, for me, it will be second nature.

I imagine a giant ball of string all knotted up, no matter which end you start on, you can hardly budge the string from the knots. You have to slowly and gently start somewhere and work through and around and back again until you finally get something substantial enough to work with and work that ball back into a piece of string. It’s not impossible. It just takes patience and persistence and a strong desire to actually see that knot come apart and a string come out.

If my life was played out on a theater, I think it would consist of 31 years 6 months and 15 days of me sitting in the spot light, getting handed a long string, dancing and twirling and being dramatic with this string for hours and years, stomping on the string, viciously rubbing this string together in my hands, creating a beautiful, entangled knot… then sitting back down and finding a way to undo it.  Whenever that knot  is undone… so will I be. Back to those lovely vibrations that I miss so deeply.

❤