Tool- Schism🎶

 

Here I am again, God. Another closing chapter. I know it’s not my destiny to stay in situations for long periods of time, I’m forever growing and developing myself. I just wish it didn’t leave a hole in my heart each time I have to move on. It’s never more than I can bare, but at times I do often wonder why I have to keep coming back to these lows that are no stranger to me. It’s my bipolar, ever shifting, spiritual journey; I get that. I don’t know what I do to people… I think I have a small idea.. but am I doing the right thing? How can I cause so much chaos inside of people that they end up wanting to destroy me? Am I a living mirror, one that is not easily broken by throwing it to the ground or scratching it? I keep showing people who they are, maybe not even who they are, but how I see them. But who am I to say? (Good song by the way). My mouth always gets me into some kind of situation, but oddly enough it also gets me out of situations. It’s a gift and a curse.

Thank you, God, for my fading memory that seems to make this a little easier. It’s been hard on my heart to keep losing so many people that I have loved so deeply. I can say that each person that I’ve held in my life for a significant period of time, I have loved with all my heart. I’m sorry they can’t stay on this journey with me, from my own twin, to my now ex-wife. It’s crazy how life is playing out… but I guess it all kind of makes sense. It’s sad to realize that I will no longer be in her presence regularly, I will no longer share my thoughts and days with her, I won’t laugh with her and hear about her struggles and watch her creativeness, I’ll just be another person that used to be.

Just give me a break for a while, cuz I’m a drained battery, I can run a little bit on E, but I just need to recharge and be there for myself. If you’re reading this Jai, I never stopped loving you, I just blocked a lot of you out because it was becoming too much to handle. It breaks my heart to watch you struggle with your mental illness and still trying to live a normal life, and who knows, maybe I was a big part of the problem, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be your forever person. Please don’t ever give up on yourself, you deserve the world and you’re a special person in this universe. Keep your head up mi amor, you’re gonna be alright.

-That’s it for now.

Fuck.

I am hurting.

Fuck.

Am I too young to want to live alone now? I think I’m approaching my prime, which I’ve been told is “the best years of your life, Ash!”… let’s hope it is. Because at this point it’s hard not to look back and feel like I’ve wasted so much time, but I can’t even completely agree with that either because along the way I learned so much, and the people that were involved in that process also learned so much. I know it because I hear it – years later- and I see their own growth and transition.

Part of me feel like I’ve aged a hundred years, like I’ve lived so many lives, ALREADY, yet I’m still in the same lifetime… from 1988 til 2019… I’m the same person, same name, same family, etc. I’m still me. But I’ve lived so many different variations of myself. I’m tired. I think it’s my time to re-coop. To heal myself from years and years of unintentional damage, some intentional… but for the most part it’s just been years of living my life with someone else and sharing their burdens… and growing immensely.

Moments when I feel sad or lonely, at the end of that dark tunnel I remember that I am never alone… and I think I haven’t spent enough time remembering that. Because even if every living creature died today and I was in fact alone and hella lonely… I know that my angels and my guides are always watching over me, cheering me on and reminding me to fulfill my purpose here. I know that in my heart. I haven’t had conversations with the light in a long time, and I know it is part of the reason I suffer right now.

More later.

I recently attended a two day leadership course where I learned many new ideas on what it means to be a leader; but the main thing I took away was something called having heart. Something that you can see without looking with your eyes and feel without using your hands it having heart. I haven’t been connected to my heart for a while now, roughly a year, and it has not been easy. Don’t get my wrong, some days I’m glad that I don’t get affected by much of anything and can move on with my day right into the next. But sometimes, I want to feel; emotions, empathy, caring, sympathy, love, hurt, happiness, SOMETHING.

I went through a period of time last year where I was overwhelmed much more than I have ever been in my adult life, and it felt like I was trying to take on so much day after day. Then, what seems like all of a sudden (which in reality was more like a week or two) I became numb, and I could FEEL the process. It was agonizing, I felt out of my body, glassy-eyed, unable to communicate effectively, my body started to break down, it felt like I was walking through a heavy fog, and when I emerged, I felt changed, almost like a developed a small form of some personality disorder. I began telling myself nothing mattered and I didn’t care, even still, it wasn’t easy for me to let go completely.

This has affected my personal life in good ways and bad ways.  It was actually beneficial for me to be able to separate myself from all of the stress I was burdening myself with. I was able to realize that I didn’t need to overwork myself to prove my worth, and I began taking better care of my own needs in that way. I was also able to detach myself from situations that would typically set me off easily (something I developed from so much stress). I still like these benefits and I think it’s something I’ve needed to develop in my life for quite some time. However, the negatives are still at play and I’m slowly learning how to overcome them. Not being emotionally or mentally connected to other people, lacking the desire to become involved with anyone past a certain point, showing genuine interest or empathy for someone or a certain situation. I believe I need these traits in order to become a better leader.

Where it comes to having heart, I believe, is getting back in touch with my spiritual side, because that is what initially got me over many low points in my life many, many years ago. So day by day, I will feel something fluttering in my heart or stomach which gives me an indication that I’m feeling again. I had a massive panic attack back in 2007/2008 time frame where I felt like I was having a heart attack, and it repeated daily for almost a week… it FLIPPED MY WORLD completely upside down and inside out. Since that incident, whenever I start feeling similar feelings in my chest I immediately suppress it for fear of reliving that experience. I think we can all agree it’s not fun to feel like you’re dying. But here recently, I have tried to allow these feelings to come and pass because I think I NEED them. I need to feel this so I can actually get back in touch with that side of me that yearns to connect with others on such a  deep level that cannot be expressed in words.

I want to have heart again, but this time I will know how to protect it when I need to. It’s safe to say my marriage  has suffered over the last few years to the point where we are now getting divorced. I haven’t quite felt much about it, other than wanting to get it over with, and I can’t tell if this is a problem or if it’s actually ok to feel the way I do about it. There are moments throughout the days and weeks where I’m in a daydream and I’m lightly mourning the loss that’s occurring right in front of my eyes. I’m so lonely at times, even when we’re in the same room. I want to say all these things about how much I miss her, or how much I care, but my heart only lets me feel a really small percentage of those thoughts, and those are other moments where I’m wondering if what I’m going through is normal or ok? It’s almost like I just want to connect back on the level where we initially started our relationship, and I want to take it day by day until I can see where it started going south, so I could adapt better or at least so I could cherish those moments more. I have no idea what my future holds, but I think I’m going through some major growth in the next few years… I’ve never stopped growing, but I can see a new cycle ahead of me, and I can only hope that I’ll have heart♥

♥

Cumulatively, I’m feeling drained. This relationship has taken its toll on me. No longer am I young and able to bounce back and keep moving on, I’m exhausted. I no longer wish to take care of anyone other than myself, and I cannot fully do that until I close the door on this relationship.

Working backwards, because my mind is letting go of so many memories with this stress, Jai and I are getting a divorce. As I write this, sitting in my parents house, Jai is spending the weekend with someone else, enjoying booze, a strip club, going for coffee and buying outfits.  It’s difficult for me to pretend I don’t care, but I know that the person or people she is with right now do not know her as I do. I hope they’re enjoying the facade that she is putting up right now.

Last week was the final straw for me, we got into an argument and it escalated into aggressive driving, broken glass, self-harm and a call to 911. I don’t know what to feel about any of this. I came into this relationship feeling the happiest I have ever been in my life, no exaggeration, to it ending like this. My mind still holds onto a little piece of expectation, which looking back, was unrealistic.

This was never going to work out, because after the facade faded the fairy-tale ended.

I’ve decided to go through my old journal and type up what I wrote during this time.

♠Here We Go:

 

June 15, 2010

To whom it may concern,

Life will lead you down the path you always knew you’d take, a journey that is completely one of a kind to yourself. Twists and turns and over laps of paths, and your greatest accomplishment will be getting it right the first time.

Repetition can put a halt to progression, yet further it at the same time, keep an open mind. This is the world of duality for the thousandth time. Where the most valuable experiences will take place in order for the experience – it’s fill value, you must first acknowledge the fact that you are here for a reason. We all chose to be here.

This life, to me, is a blessing. Everything about it really hits home in my most centered self. I am growing. I just hope I’m not missing something because at this exact moment I feel anxious. My dreams have been vivid, my waking life feels like it’s been on pause.

AM I really working hard enough? Maybe it’s time for another approach.

Change IS coming. I’m excited. 🙂

♥ – Ashleigh

 

Hey October. Hey people who haven’t found this blog yet. It’s October. And Orange month.

 

I posted this picture on my Instagram, it’s a mason jar with a handle and filled with wine… aka it’s my night. After I took this picture and edited it a bit and posted it, I was instantly thrown into a memory of the 2004 era. I was in High School and taking a photography class where we got to develop our own film in a dark room, and I LOVED it, didn’t care for the teacher, but LOVED the class. I aspired to have my own dark room one day and when my Dad told us we were moving in the middle of my senior year, I told him (not suggested) that we were going to turn the attic into a dark room…. (that never happened). Nevertheless, I enjoyed photography and viewing things from different angles.

Prior to 2004, I had always been into writing. In high school I would write poems and stories that would go on forever, and sometimes leave them on the teachers desk anonymously. One year, I wrote a poem on how badly I hated my science teacher because she was always yelling at me in class, and I put the poem on her desk… somehow they figured out it was me and I got sent to the principals office because they said my poem had something about a bomb in it and they thought I was going to plant a bomb in her car… LMFAO. Some teachers just can’t accept fine art. At this time I also had a BLURTY, which if nobody remembers, was a site for blogging, and I had YEARS of blags on there, and the site no longer exists… I still wonder what they have done with all my entries.  Anyway, in middle school I pretended like I had a magazine and I wrote a couple articles in magazine format and gave them to my friends, and it was pretty cool, I liked figuring out how to make it the best format to resemble a magazine article. In elementary school I would always write diaries or journals or poems about certain events. I’m not ashamed to say that I still have some of them.

The point is, I have always enjoyed writing. In fact, it has always been my main outlet. I am a passionate person, but it’s difficult sometimes for me to express myself clearly in spoken words because I have a hard time being vulnerable verbally. I’ve gotten better with this, but I usually get my best ideas out through writing.

None of this has shit to do with October. My bad.

O yea, the photo. It brought me back to a memory I had where I REALLY wanted to work for National Geographic. I had all their magazines and I would spend hours going through and making collages out of the pictures and imagine myself writing articles for them. I never had much confidence in myself growing up, so I thought that I was being unrealistic. Looking back, I wish I had followed my passion.

I’ve always said that some people were born knowing what they want to do with their lives, and I thought I was not included in that group of people. But the truth is, I have always known what I wanted to be, I was just too afraid to speak about it or be shut down. I have a few passions; dance (which I am in no way even GOOD at), writing, and talking to children. I’m 30 now, and I have not pursued a single passion.. mostly due to fear of failure and my own lack of confidence that I can succeed in those areas.

Maybe that’s why I started this blog thought? So I can continue to write and let my creativity flow. Who knows, maybe one day I will take a dance class or mentor a child?

Sometimes, it isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes, there will be hurt feelings and wrong doings. Some could say, from far away it’s probably easier to cope with these types of situations because you’re already getting the space you need in order not to be at each other’s throats. But, for most people, the distance makes these situations almost unbearable.

It can be hard to stay motivated and remember why you’re going through this struggle, especially when going through disagreements and arguments. You can’t hug your significant other, you can’t surprise them with breakfast or with a smile, and you also can’t have a sit down, face to face talk where you can SEE the emotions of the other person. Personally, I feel like Jai and I haven’t had that many rough patches, luckily, but lately, it’s gone from my idea of rainbows and sunshine, to complete and utter chaos.

The time is getting closer to finally being together, 1 week, actually. We have been doing this long distance relationship since Oct 2015 and it’s July 2017. Through this time, we have seen each other 6 times, for maybe a week to 10 days at a time. Everything we have known in this relationship has been Skype, phone calls, texts and written letters. I don’t know how it is to live with her and vice versa. But in a week, we will be living together for the rest of our lives. Throughout this LDR, I have tried to keep a positive mind set, I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided to continue this relationship with her, so I told myself from day one that everything would work out just fine, just keep pushing and remember that this is about love. I can’t tell you what was truly on Jai’s mind and heart about us, but I can say for a long time, everything seemed pretty amazing. But then the monotony set it.

It’s annoying to talk about the same things over and over again, it’s annoying to not have much to say because the days just seem to blend together. It’s frustrating to be missing someone so much and knowing that there isn’t a damn thing you can do to bring them to you any sooner than what is already planned. There were days that my heart literally felt like reaching through the phone and pulling her to me, I just wanted her to physically be with me. Lately, I see her face on Skype and instantly I am annoyed. I’m annoyed to see her happily going throughout her day, hanging out with friends and going on adventures that I dream about and think about doing with here every single day. I’m annoyed by her sense of lack of understanding when it comes to my sadness (where I usually get sat, Jai get’s angry or indifferent) and I am annoyed because I feel like a routine that we have had for nearly 2 years in our LDR, has been flipped inside out.

We stopped texting each other goodnight or good morning, we stopped sending each other little gifts or written letters or drawings, we stopped going on our dates once a week for Pho or pasta… pretty much, we stopped doing everything that were the little things that were holding us together. I can’t say when the exact moment was when it all started to feel like it was crumbling, but I’d say for about the past month and a half, we have had more arguments than ever before. I am extremely resentful that Jai can go hours sometimes a whole day without talking to me. Thinking about it right now actually makes me tear up. I miss her and I know she is going to be here so soon, but I can’t help but wonder why things have changed all of a sudden. Is it that she is scared to finally come here? Has she found someone else? There any many things it could be, but without communication and paying attention to one another and valuing each other’s feelings… all I can do is think. All. Damn. Day. I think. It’s unhealthy at this point, and a part of me wants to be able to just say fuck it and pretend like my feelings aren’t hurt and pretend like this is all normal, but it’s not. I don’t want to lie to myself. I’m tired of being sad over all of this. I don’t have all the answers, but I DO have to will to keep pushing for US. I know there will be a new dynamic in a week, and we will have all the time in the world to reconnect, but does that mean that none of these hurt feelings and anger have ever happened?

Everything feels so confusing to me right now because for the longest time, I would NOT allow my brain to slip into a state of question or uncertainty about our relationship. I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, WE are fine and I can’t wait til we are together again. One day.. I stopped doing that. I feel like my world was flipped, everything I never allowed myself to think or feel about us and her, I started feeling and questioning and analyzing. At this point, I’m angry. I don’t deserve to be ignored or talked to like I’m nothing, I don’t deserve to be ridiculed and made fun of for having emotions, I don’t deserve to purposefully be made jealous and a ‘test’ to see how I will react. I don’t fucking deserve to be fucked with like this.. and I don’t know how to go about forgiving her right now.

Sometimes, you just can’t fool yourself into a positive mindset when the Earth below you is clearly on fire.

So… this year, 2017, I turn 29. I’m THAT much closer to being 30!! I certainly don’t feel like I’m almost 30, but sometimes I feel like I’m in my 40’s. I feel young at heart, but I also feel like I don’t really relate to those who are my age. My parents had me and my brother when they were 32 and 34… and I’m convinced that their grown personalities have been imprinted into us since day 1. It makes sense to me. If you’re 18 or 19 and you have a child, then I feel like your child is learning from an 18/19 year old mind set.. so if you’re 32/34, you’re teaching your children from a little more of a developed (hopefully) mindset. I’ve always been able to relate to people who were quite a bit older than me, but I do find it difficult to relate to people my own age.

I went though my party phase between the ages of 15-20ish.. then I went through such a tedious growth period where my world sort of got flipped inside out ad upside down. Now, at the age of almost 29, I feel SUPER far away from that party stage, and sort of like I’m supposed to be smoothing out the rough edges of who I am/ who I want to be. I recently got married, and I think that has impacted my life in such a great way. I finally feel like an adult… before I was married, I felt out of place, like “Wow, I’m almost 30 and I’m still dating, either I’m not serious enough for a serious relationship, or nobody wants to be with me for life.” I don’t think there is anything wrong with NOT being married, in fact, at one point I actually considered just being single and adopting a child and being a single mom and doing my own thing in life and taking care of a child. But, I met my wife, and she wants to build a life together just as much as I do, and it’s an amazing feeling.

I find myself wanting real companionship these days, not just a friendly acquaintance. I feel like I want to be a good role model, which can also come off as ‘too good’ or ‘no fun’ to a lot of people who’s only goal is to go out and get drunk and sleep around. For the most part, I stay to myself right now, working on volunteering as a crisis counselor and studying for promotion and looking into starting some college classes soon. I have goals, but I’m lonely for a real friendship. I’m afraid I’m so used to being by myself that I’m actually not opening myself up to opportunities to make real friends. If anyone is reading this, feel free to offer some suggestions.

Anyway.. I’m almost 30. I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean… but it will be pretty cool to see how my life looks in a few years from now. I’m expecting quite a few changes. ♥