It’s been almost a year since I have written anything here. We are in 2024 now & my life has changed in so many beautiful ways.

I’ve wanted to post in here for so long, but life (and excuses) got in the way. Writing used to be such an outlet for me, especially during some of the most loneliest and lowest points of my life. It feels like my life is one long journal entry. I’m constantly thinking and imaging and wanting to type or write everything out, but when the days have been busy and I can’t find the time or patience to sit still and get everything out of my head, I have found myself uploading my thoughts to “the cloud”, metaphorically. I talk to God all day long as if I were journaling. The thoughts and words may not be saved digitally or on a piece of paper, and they may haven ever reached anyone else’s ears or minds, but they’ve been running consistently.

I think back to the loops and ruts I experienced over and over again over the last 10-20 years. I was always focused on the negative, I was living in a lot of hectic and chaotic experiences that only fed and reinforced that negativity. I wanted out of it so badly but it felt like torture at times to realize that I had moved on from one negative scenario only to find myself in something just as bad, if not, even worse.

My brother has been the highlight of an 18 year drama reel for me. That chapter/book has come to somewhat of a close for me, emotionally and mentally. I have moved on and even though I know there will come a time where that story picks back up, I am beyond blessed to say that I am no longer holding onto that part of my life or identity and allowing it to affect my so deeply. Of course I love my twin with all my heart and soul, but he’s not here in my life right now and I have more important things to focus on and devote my time and energy into.

Another reason I didn’t really want to update this running journal is because there’s a part of my that is deeply superstitious, for lack of a better term. I felt like if I were to come on here and put out for the world to see the great things that were happening in my life, then somehow I would be allowing outside energy to take that from me. Seems irrational, but I have seen this happen before and it was best for me to bask in the love and joy and experience it without sharing. Now that I feel like the tide has finally shifted and I’ve maintained a steady course, I know that my foundation is solid and cannot be easily shaken from outsiders.

A series of events have led me to right where I am today. I never realized how obvious God can make things for you until I have looked back on these last few years. I can’t remember if I have already gone into detail about this in any of my previous posts, but one day I will go into much greater detail about it, because it truly is amazing. For now, I can give the short version.

I was entertaining Satan, again. A “relationship” that I naively thought was going to be great, but had so many flaws and holes from the very beginning. It was long distance and words were the glue that were holding anything together. Anyone who knows anything about entertaining a narcissist knows that at their very core, their main goal is to destroy anyone who is happy or who shines light. They are some of the darkest souls on this planet and often times they can be dangerous if you cannot easily be manipulated by them. That is why I say I was “entertaining Satan”. Over the course of interacting with this person, eventually it boiled down to them threatening my job, wishing death upon my family, praising God that I was not a mother because “you’d be a terrible mother” and threatening to show up at my work here in another country. I have boiled a lot of it down, but the basics are that I was being torn apart by words and my energy for life and any hope in finding joy was at rock bottom. I was simultaneously going through the threat of losing my career because of the pandemic and all in all I was not well. I have survived many chaotic things, I think I have even thrived in some very high stress situations, but at this point in life I felt worthless, unloved, lonely, isolated, crazy, and broken. I had hit rock bottom.

God really showed up LOUDLY for me, in ways that I could never in my wildest dreams cultivate for myself. I had enough of life and I was in a dark apartment. EVERYTHING was in its place. I had spent the last week obsessively cleaning and organizing every single thing in my apartment. Every piece of clothing I owned, except for what was on my body, was cleaned and folded and put away, every pair of socks had its match, every pair of underwear was rolled (takes up less space) they were all facing the same way, my cabinets were perfectly organized, every dish was clean and put away, balcony, floors, doors, walls cleaned.. the list goes on. I needed that structure in that moment. I needed to have nothing to worry about, I needed EVERYTHING in order. I needed that. I laid in my bed that night and I sobbed my heart and soul out. I cried out loud to my grandma who had just passed away and then I cried out to God. I wanted to come home. I was done with this life. I thought about how easy I had just made it for whoever would find me, that the house would be clean and nobody would be burdened with a mess. It seemed easy. I contemplated for what felt like hours, how easily it would be to swallow the whole bottle of sleep aid I had. But God and exhaustion had other plans for me and I fell asleep.

A co worker of mine, a faithful man of the Lord, stopped by to spend time talking to me on evening while I worked the eves shift. He was so calm and gentle in his approach and would sit and listen to me talk for hours. At one point he told me I was robbing people of my presence by staying in my apartment. I went out the next night and met my now husband, who is also a man of the Lord. That story is also a long one and I should devote a whole book to my husband, but for now I can say he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Shortly after meeting my husband, I became friends with a coworker who was deeply rooted in the church. We spent a lot of time together while my husband was on deployment and she never ceased to bring a situation back to the Lord. She invited me to church and 2 years later, I am blessed to have such a supportive group of people of faith who continue to show me how beautiful life can be. My husband and I have a son together now. They are the brightest lights in my life. I feel blessed every single day because I know where I came from and I regularly see how beautiful my days are. I know I am an amazing mother to this little boy, I love being a wife and I’m so grateful that I get to sit here today and type this all out. God is great.

What a journey.

Life is a lot like swimming. You can take a deep breath, glide through the water, feel like temperature change on your skin and see the life swimming around you; but at some point you have to come back up for air, and if you try to push the limits you can start to panic and risk drowning before you’re able to come up. Life feels a lot like that sometimes.

I’m up for air right now & it feels amazing to be able to breathe again.

I’ve been going to therapy for a few years right now and during some of my lowest points I remember describing to my therapist that I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean with the weight of the water on me. I swam a lot growing up and I love the ocean and I remember my brother and I always swimming down to the bottom of the pool and feeling the pressure and seeing how long we could stay there before we had to laucnh ourselves back up to breathe. I bet life feels a lot like that for CJ, for the last 17 years, too.

I often catch myself being extremely grateful that this life is not forever. Thank GOD. It’s very intense in many directions. That thought may seem morbid to some people, but to me it feels like relief. Nothing that I am experiencing willl last forever on this planet. I believe in heaven and an afterlife. I talk to God regularly in thought, feelings from my heart and in prayer. When I was younger I felt more in touch with the bigger picture, I don’t know if I took things as seriously as I do now and maybe I was onto something then.

One thing is for certain, I am ALWAYS learning. Recently I had a little epiphany about the phase of life I just made it through. It was extremely exhausting and mentally and emotionally draining for me. At times, I had a really difficult time seeing through the dark clouds that were around me and I often felt hopeless and like givin up, but I pushed through. Along the way I reached out for help, mostly just for a listening ear and caring heart, and I found it time and time again in the most unlikely places. I am forever grateful for the people who supported me through the dark times because without them, I’m honestly not sure I’d still be here.

What I’ve learned, is going to sound counterproductive to what I just said about support, but it actually makes some sense to me. Nobody is going to be able to DO anything for YOU. At times, I kept looking around hoping that there would be somebody in a position that would be able to stop the madness I was feeling or alter my course in some dramatic way and that if I could just get in touch with the right person, everything would come together. It never happened like that, and I don’t think it ever will. What people DID offer me, was their time, their attention and their perspective and advice. THAT is a gift beyond a measurement of worth. Those people allowed me to come up for air, catch my breath and keep swimming. They didn’t pick me up in a boat and paddle me to the nearest piece of land and build me a bed to sleep on. My life isn’t designed to be that way, I don’t know anyone whos life IS designed that way.

Anyway… it means a lot to me to grasp this latest life lesson and tailor my expectations accordingly. I want to live my life in a way that will allow me to be a support system for others and allow them a safe place to rest and if I’m in the position, I want to be able to take them to the nearest rest stop. I want that & I know I will have that.

Another lesson that I think I’ve really grasped is just how short life really is. Some days it seems to go by so slowly then others feel as if I’ve blinked and it’s been 3 years. Yet, 4 years ago I never would have imagined my life as it is now, but I KNOW I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and in hindsight, I wish I wouldn’t have worried so much and just trusted that everything was working out the way it should. I’m getting married in 9 days to an amazing man who treats me better than I have EVER known was possible. He shares the same goals as me to build and grow together, we communicate often and his family is full of loving and caring people who are incredibly supportive and faithful. I never could have imagined this for me because it’s nothing I’ve ever experienced or known before. There’s no way I would have known to ask God for this, but God can see my heart and He knew exactly what I needed. I just needed to get out of my own way.

I don’t know what the next few days will bring, let alone the next few years but I DO know that no matter what comes my way I’m going to fight the good fight and I’ll have someone by my side who will love and support me through whatever may come.

Life is a paradox. We are one life, individually.. billions combined. We spend our time together but we die alone. Life is a selfish experience. Many people have tried to make sense of it, and there really isn’t a right or wrong answer.

There’s a theory that everyone is just different versions of you, living out a different life experience… connected as one of a whole living collectively as one. Sometimes, when I am surrounded by a lot of people, I zone out and imagine the view from someone else’s eyes in that very moment… I think “what is that other me living and seeing?!” I inherently have compassion for that person.. because in some way, that person is me. Actually, thinking this way on occasion makes me feel oddly like I have more comfort in this life. Of course it’s not a thought process that I can maintain for long periods of time… eventually my mind goes back to autopilot of the circumstances and memories and feelings of my current life.

I keep reminding myself that all of this is temporary. NONE of it, these things, go with me when I go. It’s all just an experience. Why do I worry? Why do I panic? Why do I let those overwhelming emotions and feelings seep into my heart and soul and move me to the core? But then I stop. I release all of those feelings into the sky… let them float away. I shift to gratitude, even for experiencing those emotions and pain… thank you. It’s uncomfortable and painful, but thank you… because it’s not forever. Thank you, I’m growing, I’m learning, I’m living, I’m feeling, I’m leaning and receiving.

Learning to lean on others, learning to receive strength and compassion and love from others.. genuinely without a wall up… THAT is also hard. It can physically be painful or uncomfortable… but it’s a gift. If you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable… you will not experience the beauty of pain.

It doesn’t matter what happens when you die, but it should be noted that feeling is not longer an option.

When I’m alone, I feel closest to God. When I’m surrounded by people, I feel connected to other versions of “me”. We are all just a tiny piece of God experiencing individual parts of ourselves. I prefer to imagine it that way, anyway.

Thank you ❤

It’s 2022. HOLY crap.

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here and SO MUCH has happened since July.

I’m obsessed with the state of the world, and have been since around early August. When I say obsessed.. I mean, I’m completely over-consuming information, regularly, every single day. I’m obsessed with finding out information so that I can be informed. It’s incredible with how much time this actually takes, but it makes sense. It’s like trying to watch everyone’s lives, their whole entire day, to get pieces of information that you need. It’s impossible. It’s a bit unhealthy and is definitely effecting me mentally. I have read so much information, technical and medical and lawful and scientific, that I’ve been able to form my own opinions on everything that’s going on. But I’m also completed f’d up about it all because it really makes me feel SO small and powerless at times.

Through everything that’s been going on, I have been practicing letting go of my fear and my need to control situations and outcomes. I’ve been leaning on my faith and trusting that I am doing my part even though at times I can’t see where I’m headed. I can say my faith in God has gotten stronger through this, though, I think I’ve always had a pretty good relationship with my spiritual side and my beliefs. Something that has rung true to me recently is that, my obsessing and need to control is EXACTLY why I suffer. Because as soon as I let go of my fear and my idea that I can control everything that happens in my life, I started finding myself in situations that I personally could have NEVER imagined for myself, even if I were to picture the ‘ideal’ life that I wanted. I really do attribute this to the higher energy guiding me. I can’t even doubt it.

I’ve been going to therapy pretty regularly, once a week, and we are doing CBT. It has actually helped me get to the root of my “strongly held beliefs” which I understand now. There were things that I have had to force myself to sit down and write out and force myself to think about constructively and THEN read out loud and experience the emotions that came along with all of that. It was literally like having a weight lifted. I felt like after I was able to do that, I was NO longer holding onto the ‘trauma’ or being obsessive over the need to fix it or make amends or find ‘closure’. It literally just dissipated into the cosmos. The best thing about all of this is that I have finally felt heard and been acknowledged. For such a long time I’ve been told to move on or push it aside or let go of it, but I was never really given the chance to express myself freely without fear of backlash or anger or grudges. I’ve never wanted to blame anyone for the things that I’ve held on to, I’ve just wanted to try and make sense of everything and process how it made me feel at the time and just let it be known. I’m well past old enough now to understand that everyone is learning in this lifetime, nobody has it all figured out and I can empathize with anyone and I can try to understand and forgive. But so many people do not allow themselves to ever get to this point because their traumas have become a deep part of their identity, and they (probably) fear, on a subconscious level, that if they let go of it, they will be losing part of their self. It’s actually quite the opposite because it allows for growth and development into an even better, healthier, happier version of yourself. There are MANY conversations I wish I could have with my loved ones. My heart yearns to be able to spend hours in these conversations until we are verbally and emotionally able to close the wounds and become stronger together. I tend to imagine myself in these situations and I can spend hours thinking about it and projecting it into the universe, almost like I’m quietly speaking to their soul from afar. I truly believe that it works, even though I know I will likely never get the acknowledgement in human form. Either way, it helps me.

My dreams over the last few months have been horrific. Scenes that I couldn’t even make up in my waking life if I tried! Very gruesome, fearful dreams, most involving death or me being in fear for my life. I think this is because I am feeling so stressful during the day and at night my fears and frustrations come out in these strange ways. It’s also strange that in my dreams I am able to talk to people about what is actually happening in real life, or even recall a memory from ANOTHER dream and talk about it in my current dream. Not sure what that represents, but it really makes them feel even that much more real.

Two major events have happened over the last six months, that have started to face my life in a new direction. One is that I have been pushed into a corner in my current career, which has activated a fight or flight response in me and prompted me to become brave and tactical. I have realized that I can actually make a difference and that I am stronger than I ever realized. I’ve had to do my research and face my fears and be bold and stand up for myself and for the truth, and I’ve faced a TON of negativity and judgement and alienation and hate from doing that. I have had many days where I am in pieces and I am wanting to hide from the world, but then there are other days where I am connecting with others who are going through similar experiences and they’re cheering me on from afar and telling me that I am inspirational to them. It’s been quite the experience and it’s given me hope that I am even more capable of doing something better in this life than what I am experiencing now. Even though it’s been rough and was NOT a part of my ‘ideal’ life or what I thought I wanted… it’s just another confirmation that God’s plan is bigger than mine and that I’m being show that there are other options.

The second event is that I have met someone who I am seeing without rose colored glasses. It was very unexpected but it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made in a while to fight my fears and self sabotage and allow this person into my life. We started off as friends with no expectations and with respect and boundaries and genuine concern for one another. He has become someone that I value and cherish and he has shown me what authentic, unconditional love is. I’ve opened up to him about things that I have never been proud to admit, things that I have been made to feel bad about by others, and he has been nothing short of understanding and accepting. He is another reason that my faith in God has grown tremendously over the past several months, because before him, I was in a VERY low place and I cried out to God to let me come home. A couple weeks later, after hiding in my apartment, afraid to venture out into society, I randomly told myself to get dressed up and go out across the street and meet new people. And I did. And I met him, and others. And it was fate, because that was his first time at that bar and he ended up getting ditched by the girl who invited him there. We hung out after that, watching movies, doing artwork, traveling to nearby destinations to do photography, cooking and trying recipes and all the while, maintaining boundaries and developing friendship. I’ve had to learn boundaries over the years and even harder than that was learning how to say no and how to stand up for myself and not feel pressured. He never once made me feel uncomfortable or uneasy and he enjoyed spending time with me and told me there was no rush for ANYTHING. Slowly, I started realizing that THIS is what my Mom meant all these years where she told me to “find someone you can be friends with first”, and she was right! And again, this was something that I KNOW is due to God’s plan/timing, because I would have never imagined this for myself, but now that it’s here, I LOVE every single second. Instead of wanting to go ‘home’, I’m now wanting more than anything to live as long as I can to experience life together with this man.

Sometimes I pretend I’m a presenter on TED talks.. I realize I’m not a specialist on anything in particular.. but I’ll spend time speaking my thoughts out loud as if I’m in front of an audience. Here’s my typed version of that for the roughly 5 people who read this every other month. I appreciate you.

So… my 33rd birthday rolled around, and it started off with a bang. One of the most amazing bangs of my entire existence.

I go prescribed MeDiCaTiOn! Ahh yes, the world of anti-depressants. Something I’ve avoided nearly my entire life because I’ve been too proud/ stubborn and self-medicated instead. There are a few reasons that this is so significant to me.. the main thing being that I stopped lying about how “well” I was doing. If you’ve never done that, I suggest you try it… stop lying about being OK. That decision literally put my career at risk – being in the military AND being in the role in aviation that I am, we have to be careful what we tell medical professionals. But.. nonetheless, I bared my soul. I had been going to talk to a therapist for about a year, but then switched to a female therapist and I felt like I could tell her anything… things that I’ve never actually spoken out loud before, but it was like my soul was an oversoaked sponge that just couldn’t keep anything in anymore.

I was terrified to speak some of the things out lout because it meant that they were no longer just replaying memories or obsessively feeling emotions inside my very LOUD mind. Anyways.. I got the medication and I know they say it usually takes about a month to see any results… well I noticed them IMMEDIATELY. 2 days after taking them, I realized just exactly WHY I was feeling so overwhelmed all the time – my brain was obsessively thinking and making connections and with those connections I would FEEL many emotions a day. The medication allowed my brain to stop the obsessive thoughts and I could actually focus on one thing at a time and NOT feel everything so intensely. I needed that kind of break. It was nice.

My Dad always told me, growing up, that medication is not something you’re supposed to take and get dependent on… it’s used as a “crutch” to get you over the hump.. and I 100% agree with that. I could never imagine taking something every single day as a supplement to what I know my brain is capable of. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with people who DO take medication every single day, but for me personally.. being stubborn and wanting to take control in my own hands… I just couldn’t do it. I stopped taking the medication about a week ago because even though it helped tremendously, there were also some adverse side effects that I felt were not worth my risking them to become permanent. For instance.. I enjoy feeling emotion… I enjoy being passionate.. but I just needed a break from that to realize that there are things I can do everyday to slow those feelings and thoughts down. One of those things is working out.. I enjoy it now, where as before it just felt like another thing that would exhaust me, because I was already so mentally exhausted. I’m monitoring myself more closely now that I know what to look for and I’m really trying to keep a level head and change myself for the better one day at a time. But this post wasn’t even prompted by me wanting to talk about being put on medication… it’s what I’ve started to feel more recently about life and where I am.

I’ve spent a large chunk of my life being a victim. Weather I knew it or not. I feel like for a majority of my life, I just wanted somebody to listen to me about how I was feeling or the things that I was going through. It became like a long standing narrative of my life, constantly adding on things that I had gone through and feeling so overwhelmed with the never-ending cycle of shit. But… recently I feel like I have leveled up – spiritually or something.

I’m proud of where I am today. I’m proud of WHO I am today. I feel like a reset button has been pushed but instead of me having to start all over from the beginning, I get to start at this point in life where I’ve already beaten some of the hardest levels. I’m in a really good position. I’m single, debt free, I’ve got a stable career and I need/want for nothing. I feel really good about life right now, and it feels like all of the paths that I have taken in the past have lead me here. I’m equipped with a LIFETIME of knowledge and from this point on, I get to decide what I will and will not accept into my life. If I can maintain a happy life with everything I mentioned above.. why would I ever want to allow someone or something into my life with will take away from any of it? I’ve already experienced a WIDE range of shit in my life… I don’t want to do it again. I’d never go back and I’m glad I’ve gotten out/ past all of the situations. Of course there are things in life that I still want to experience. Ideally – I’d love to fall in love with a man who knows how to love me for me, I’d love to have a child and raise it/them in a stable, loving environment, I want to travel more and spend time with the people that I love, and I want to help people some how. Life just seems much more simpler right now and I’m grateful to still be here for it.

I’ve never felt more inclined to want to practice my meditation and spiritual-ness than I do right now. 33 is a HUGE year for me, it’s got a huge spiritual meaning for me and I need to get myself right.

My brother is no longer in the picture, for me. So these next how ever many birthdays I have left in life will be spent without recollection of a twin.

I’ve got to move on from everything that ever was. I’ve got to find my passion and my confidence and my purpose and give it my all, because up until this point I’ve been barely making it afloat.

I still feel that little spark inside my soul, I just need to add to it and let it shine.

Come on 33.

What. A. Fucking. Life.

I’m laughing, God.. I’m fucking laughing.

I’m still blessed though, nonetheless.

It’s time for me to start putting in some effort instead of just the bare minimum. Over the last year I’ve been pretty hypocritical. I’ve been a listening ear to so many, and I’ve offered words of encouragement, continuously, and I’ve checked up on people and maintained that level of support. I’ve reminded them to be grateful, find things they could be grateful for, think positively, don’t be so hard on themselves, stand up for themselves… and reach out to chat if they ever need someone. And they have. And I love that so much, it brings me happiness to know that someone feels comfortable enough to come to me. BUT… I am a hypocrite because when the doors close and I’m in my own world, or when I confide in people close to me… I’ve got gripes, I sink into a world of doubt and judgement and fear about myself and my life… and I wallow in those and don’t even stop to think of the 3 things I’m grateful for… I just pray for a way out.

I’m not ALWAYS like this though.. I have many days where I’m in my bright world, happy and excited and well put together, I just wish there were more of those days. Yesterday I have an IV in my arm and sat alone in a hospital room for what felt like hours… first it was used to take blood samples, then it was used to give me saline solution… then the saline was taken out and I just had this little tube dangling on my arm like a makeshift vein outside of my body… it was disgusting. I stared at this damn tube for a couple minutes and drifted off into thought… there was a clamp on the end to stop the flow of anything into or out of the tube. Just the day prior and for many days prior, I was experiencing my highest high… I was on top of the world.. and I wasn’t on drugs and I wasn’t experiencing mania… I was genuinely and indescribably happy.. my head AND my heart were in sync, that was new. Now I sat there with this clamped vein and I thought how absolutely irresponsible it was of staff to leave me there alone for so long, in an emotional and vulnerable state, and the ability to unclasp that tube at any moment. Seriously. What a fucked up thought. But I thought it… and I REALLY thought it. It wasn’t quick and in passing.. it was a scene in my mind. I imagined a puddle of blood on the floor and maybe it would seep under the door, but that someone would walk in and eventually someone would have to clean that shit up.

But then I snapped out of it and just sat there like “what an experience right now.” I looked around the empty room.. I surely wasn’t thinking of 3 things I was grateful for… I was imagining my ideal scenario. I wanted support. I imagined my man sitting in the chair and his presence making me feel secure and loved… I imagined all the times my mom took me to the doctors growing up, how she made me feel like it was all ok… and I wished I could have here there now… I imagined my best friend with me.. I was imagining support. I’ve BEEN imagining support, for years. It’s literally saved my life, I’d like to think it’s a pretty bad ass survival method instead of on the brink of insanity.

Not that the reason I was there wasn’t bad enough, but medical providers really get into your shit, they rehash so many vulnerable things, and you have to answer. It’s like.. don’t YOU have my entire medical record on file, read the shit. But.. privacy and shit. “Do you have any rapes that you want to report?” ‘that I want to report? no.’ “Have you ever been abused” LOL ::crying::.. yea.. there’s a FAP case on file and I’ve gone to counseling… “ok.”… “Are you suicidal today?” ‘no’.. “How many living children do you have” ‘none.’ (living children? Jesus). I get it, they’re just doing their script… but why aren’t there any female medical staff? Why do I have to tell these men what “cramps” feel like and explain the amount of blood I’m experiencing “how do I quantify that??”.. the guy even misspelled the word pregnancy. Holy fuck. Why was the kid who gave me an IV so nervous? He dropped the cap the my external vein and my blood was dripping out onto my arm and onto the floor, it felt like a shit show. I had this man finessing a fucking probe into my body for AN HOUR, he never even told me what he saw, he just moved it around in silence and I could not help but wonder if he was doing his job because he actually CARES or because he has some other agenda or some fantasy.. and I hate that my mind questioned that. 5 hours in a hospital and nobody really told me shit… and I didn’t ask enough questions. I wish my support was there, someone whos brain ‘could compute’ and ask the questions.. I just wanted to go home. I was strong enough not to burden the hospital staff with emotions, but as soon as I stepped out of the building, I broke. And I broke hard. I broke even harder at the thought that I couldn’t be there for my man. He’s strong, but he has feelings too and has he ever felt this? I don’t know and I felt selfish for some reason. But I pulled it together and I tried to rationalize what was happening… and now I’m here and it’s just another Sunday and I feel annoyed about that a little bit cuz of how vividly I was imagining my future a couple days ago. Time to regroup, again.

That’s why I’m laughing, God.. because these curve balls get thrown at me and I know they’re not life or death anymore.. well….well. These curve balls are just another way for me to put my well garnered strength into action… so I can reflect on it the next day/week/month and write shit like this.

I keep experiencing things that hurt… but I also keep drawing this line after I survive it and wanting to keep moving on. And I don’t see anything wrong with that at all. So, maybe I’m not a hypocrite… maybe I’m just dealing with shit.

It’s a full moon tonight, time to cleanse out the negativity.

What a year it has been. First and foremost, I’m proud of where I am today, and grateful for everything that I have in my life. Family, friends, stability, a job, my dog Vito and the beautiful views I get to see everyday living in Italy.

All of that aside, because inevitably this blog is about more than just being grateful, I have concerns.

I’m starting to question whether or not I have lost my ability to be empathetic. Sometimes I feel linear, like my range of emotions are all leveled out to just one flat line of “ok”. But “ok” in many different forms… ok – contentment, ok – questioning, ok – confrontational, ok – defeat, ok – agreeance… I know last year at this time I was very emotionally attached to someone in an almost obsessive way, where I needed their attention all the time, until eventually it all just blew up and I found myself completely isolated for once. That was hard, but I know I was still working through tons of trauma and stress from the past previous year or so. But here I am now, and I’m not clinging to anyone, I’m pretty content, I’m bored nonetheless, but I am making it through my days without feeling like I’m in a never ending downward spiral of depressive thoughts. I haven’t cried in a while.. maybe I got it all out of my system? It doesn’t seem that bad now that I’m typing about it but the reason that I am concerned is because I feel like I am unable to feel “love” now.. and I used to bask in that shit. I would find love for any and everything, strangers, friends, beauty, the beach, moments… and now I don’t get that same sensation in my chest. In fact, I don’t feel anything in my chest other than the occasional weird flip flop thing my heart does…

I did break down and cry when I went home. There is definitely one thing in the world that makes me emotional and it’s family or people I consider to be family. I had a heart to heart with my dad and had a moment where I cried deeply, and when I saw my grandmother for the last time, I lost it. Then I saw my Uncle the same day and the familiarity of him mixed with the amount of time that passed since I has seen him also made me ball my eyes out. I think I miss familiarity. I know I do. I wish my family was more “together” or close like I see out in town or within my own friends. Inside jokes that have been around since childhood.. nicknames, safeness, familiar faces and expressions… Honestly, I think if I came around anyone I knew as a child, I’d probably lose my composure. Those times feel like so long ago and so much has changed and if I’m brought back to myself in that time.. I know that I am so much stronger today, I’ve survived so much and here I am still relentlessly kicking ass in my own world.

I guess that’s just how this life shit goes though, right? I know my mind’s never ending process of making connections and trying to “figure shit out” has a lot to do with how I approach life… I never forget… even though I have short term memory loss… I keep replaying certain things over and over until the connection is made that satisfies my need to understand why they occurred in the first place, and then once I’m content, they start to fade away as not to plague me anymore.

In 2010 my twin brother got out of the Marines. He left in 2006 straight out of high school. I still remember the day. My Dad was driving him to his recruiter, and before they left the house, I got up and gave CJ a hug and said good luck. It wasn’t a very long hug, but longer than usual, the type of hug we would give if I were crying and he wanted to cheer me up. He left and as soon as the door shut, I started crying. I think I knew that he was going to be gone for a while, but it didn’t really register that this exact moment was a turning point in our lives.

Prior to this, we had only lived in our new house for 8 months. Our parents moved us in the middle of our senior year in high school, 2.5 hours away. There was so much fighting and arguing, running away, getting in trouble that I guess my parents thought by moving it would solve everything. All it did was transfer all of that negativity into a new house, but then being isolated to it. So my brother joined the Marines.

For the first time in my life, I was alone. I was living in a home with parents who fought everyday, but now I was living in it without my support system.. my twin. I had no idea how drastically my life would change from this. The 4 years that he was gone, I went through some of my lowest lows. But I’ll save that story for another time.

2010. My brother needs to be picked up from the train station in Washington DC, after traveling across the country from Cali where he transitioned out of the Marines and spent a few months just doing whatever. I took the 2.5 hour drive there to pick him up and brought him back to MD. We lived with my parents for a while until one day my Dad and I got into a huge fight. I can’t even remember what started it, but I know that he was in a bad mood and probably said something belittling or trying to argue, and I stood up for myself. My Dad hates when people stand up for themselves, especially against him. He flew into a RAGE, tried bullying me and threatening me and met me eye to eye with the most evil look in his eyes and said he wanted to beat the fuck out of me. My adrenaline was pumping and instead of flinching or crying or shutting down and walking away, I stood tall, looked him dead in his eyes and said “Hit me Dad”. I know his was this close 👌🏼, and his rage was at a peak. He said “youre the fucking devil, bitch. You fucking BITCH” and proceeded to berate me while I walked away, into my room and closed the door. I lost it as soon as I shut the door. I burst into tears and started hyperventilating. The adrenaline was still flowing and I was shaking, but I was so proud of myself for not backing down.

I knew I had to get out of that environment, so the very next day my brother and I found the upstairs of a house for rent a few miles down the street across from the local university. I packed everything I owned in the matter of hours, shoved it into my car perfectly like Tetris and moved out. I want to say this around April 2012.

My brother was not the same person he was before he joined the Marines. He was paranoid, more angry, cocky and addicted to drugs and alcohol. He started to show these signs almost immediately, and our home life (just the two of us in this apartment/house) started getting hectic. Until one day in July. He was sitting in the kitchen listening to music on a speaker hooked up to an ipod. I was in my room, which was only about 15 feet away. I was trying to nap because I had work in a few hours and even with earplugs in I could still hear him. I came out of my room as asked him to turn it down or go in his own room and listen and he just sat there and starred at me. So I asked him again, same response. I couldn’t figure out why the fuck he was being like that, and I was getting upset, so I unplugged the speaker and ALL HELL broke lose. He jumped up so quickly, dug his shoulder into my and pinned me against the wall while he attempted to yank the cord out of my hand. When he couldn’t get it right away he wrapped it around my fist and started tugging it as tight as he could, while my hand was turning reddish purple. I stood up and he let go and slammed me onto the kitchen floor, hitting the table on my way down. His drink spilled on me and I realized he was drinking alcohol. When I hit the ground I was stunned for a second and I threw the speaker at him which was still wrapped in my hand. When I swung it at him it hit his chest a little, leaving a scratch. An altercation occurred after this where we scrapped from the kitchen into the livingroom. He grabbed my throat abd pinned me high up on the wall and told me to hit him because he wanted to fucking kill me. I told him I didn’t want to fight I just wanted him to turn the music down. He shoved me into the closet into a hamper and when I got up and jacked me up by my shirt and threw me across the living room. I crawled to the living room opening and got up and ran into my room and into my closet where I tried to lock the door. He went to get the gun out of his closet and cane and punched a hole through my bedroom door and let himself in. I was in the closet calling 911 when he opened the closet door and I told him to get the fuck out and I was on the phone with 911z I was hyperventilating by the time the cops showed up. They saw the mess in the house and asked me what happened. I told them my side and CJ told him his. We both had marks so we both got arrested.

NOTHING was ever the same. My Dad came to help me patch the hole in the bedroom door and my brother had to move out. He became homeless after living in and out of VA homeless shelters. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and ended up moving to Baltimore, where he still is today. Hooked on crack and heroin.