It’s been almost a year since I have written anything here. We are in 2024 now & my life has changed in so many beautiful ways.

I’ve wanted to post in here for so long, but life (and excuses) got in the way. Writing used to be such an outlet for me, especially during some of the most loneliest and lowest points of my life. It feels like my life is one long journal entry. I’m constantly thinking and imaging and wanting to type or write everything out, but when the days have been busy and I can’t find the time or patience to sit still and get everything out of my head, I have found myself uploading my thoughts to “the cloud”, metaphorically. I talk to God all day long as if I were journaling. The thoughts and words may not be saved digitally or on a piece of paper, and they may haven ever reached anyone else’s ears or minds, but they’ve been running consistently.

I think back to the loops and ruts I experienced over and over again over the last 10-20 years. I was always focused on the negative, I was living in a lot of hectic and chaotic experiences that only fed and reinforced that negativity. I wanted out of it so badly but it felt like torture at times to realize that I had moved on from one negative scenario only to find myself in something just as bad, if not, even worse.

My brother has been the highlight of an 18 year drama reel for me. That chapter/book has come to somewhat of a close for me, emotionally and mentally. I have moved on and even though I know there will come a time where that story picks back up, I am beyond blessed to say that I am no longer holding onto that part of my life or identity and allowing it to affect my so deeply. Of course I love my twin with all my heart and soul, but he’s not here in my life right now and I have more important things to focus on and devote my time and energy into.

Another reason I didn’t really want to update this running journal is because there’s a part of my that is deeply superstitious, for lack of a better term. I felt like if I were to come on here and put out for the world to see the great things that were happening in my life, then somehow I would be allowing outside energy to take that from me. Seems irrational, but I have seen this happen before and it was best for me to bask in the love and joy and experience it without sharing. Now that I feel like the tide has finally shifted and I’ve maintained a steady course, I know that my foundation is solid and cannot be easily shaken from outsiders.

A series of events have led me to right where I am today. I never realized how obvious God can make things for you until I have looked back on these last few years. I can’t remember if I have already gone into detail about this in any of my previous posts, but one day I will go into much greater detail about it, because it truly is amazing. For now, I can give the short version.

I was entertaining Satan, again. A “relationship” that I naively thought was going to be great, but had so many flaws and holes from the very beginning. It was long distance and words were the glue that were holding anything together. Anyone who knows anything about entertaining a narcissist knows that at their very core, their main goal is to destroy anyone who is happy or who shines light. They are some of the darkest souls on this planet and often times they can be dangerous if you cannot easily be manipulated by them. That is why I say I was “entertaining Satan”. Over the course of interacting with this person, eventually it boiled down to them threatening my job, wishing death upon my family, praising God that I was not a mother because “you’d be a terrible mother” and threatening to show up at my work here in another country. I have boiled a lot of it down, but the basics are that I was being torn apart by words and my energy for life and any hope in finding joy was at rock bottom. I was simultaneously going through the threat of losing my career because of the pandemic and all in all I was not well. I have survived many chaotic things, I think I have even thrived in some very high stress situations, but at this point in life I felt worthless, unloved, lonely, isolated, crazy, and broken. I had hit rock bottom.

God really showed up LOUDLY for me, in ways that I could never in my wildest dreams cultivate for myself. I had enough of life and I was in a dark apartment. EVERYTHING was in its place. I had spent the last week obsessively cleaning and organizing every single thing in my apartment. Every piece of clothing I owned, except for what was on my body, was cleaned and folded and put away, every pair of socks had its match, every pair of underwear was rolled (takes up less space) they were all facing the same way, my cabinets were perfectly organized, every dish was clean and put away, balcony, floors, doors, walls cleaned.. the list goes on. I needed that structure in that moment. I needed to have nothing to worry about, I needed EVERYTHING in order. I needed that. I laid in my bed that night and I sobbed my heart and soul out. I cried out loud to my grandma who had just passed away and then I cried out to God. I wanted to come home. I was done with this life. I thought about how easy I had just made it for whoever would find me, that the house would be clean and nobody would be burdened with a mess. It seemed easy. I contemplated for what felt like hours, how easily it would be to swallow the whole bottle of sleep aid I had. But God and exhaustion had other plans for me and I fell asleep.

A co worker of mine, a faithful man of the Lord, stopped by to spend time talking to me on evening while I worked the eves shift. He was so calm and gentle in his approach and would sit and listen to me talk for hours. At one point he told me I was robbing people of my presence by staying in my apartment. I went out the next night and met my now husband, who is also a man of the Lord. That story is also a long one and I should devote a whole book to my husband, but for now I can say he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Shortly after meeting my husband, I became friends with a coworker who was deeply rooted in the church. We spent a lot of time together while my husband was on deployment and she never ceased to bring a situation back to the Lord. She invited me to church and 2 years later, I am blessed to have such a supportive group of people of faith who continue to show me how beautiful life can be. My husband and I have a son together now. They are the brightest lights in my life. I feel blessed every single day because I know where I came from and I regularly see how beautiful my days are. I know I am an amazing mother to this little boy, I love being a wife and I’m so grateful that I get to sit here today and type this all out. God is great.