What a journey.

Life is a lot like swimming. You can take a deep breath, glide through the water, feel like temperature change on your skin and see the life swimming around you; but at some point you have to come back up for air, and if you try to push the limits you can start to panic and risk drowning before you’re able to come up. Life feels a lot like that sometimes.

I’m up for air right now & it feels amazing to be able to breathe again.

I’ve been going to therapy for a few years right now and during some of my lowest points I remember describing to my therapist that I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean with the weight of the water on me. I swam a lot growing up and I love the ocean and I remember my brother and I always swimming down to the bottom of the pool and feeling the pressure and seeing how long we could stay there before we had to laucnh ourselves back up to breathe. I bet life feels a lot like that for CJ, for the last 17 years, too.

I often catch myself being extremely grateful that this life is not forever. Thank GOD. It’s very intense in many directions. That thought may seem morbid to some people, but to me it feels like relief. Nothing that I am experiencing willl last forever on this planet. I believe in heaven and an afterlife. I talk to God regularly in thought, feelings from my heart and in prayer. When I was younger I felt more in touch with the bigger picture, I don’t know if I took things as seriously as I do now and maybe I was onto something then.

One thing is for certain, I am ALWAYS learning. Recently I had a little epiphany about the phase of life I just made it through. It was extremely exhausting and mentally and emotionally draining for me. At times, I had a really difficult time seeing through the dark clouds that were around me and I often felt hopeless and like givin up, but I pushed through. Along the way I reached out for help, mostly just for a listening ear and caring heart, and I found it time and time again in the most unlikely places. I am forever grateful for the people who supported me through the dark times because without them, I’m honestly not sure I’d still be here.

What I’ve learned, is going to sound counterproductive to what I just said about support, but it actually makes some sense to me. Nobody is going to be able to DO anything for YOU. At times, I kept looking around hoping that there would be somebody in a position that would be able to stop the madness I was feeling or alter my course in some dramatic way and that if I could just get in touch with the right person, everything would come together. It never happened like that, and I don’t think it ever will. What people DID offer me, was their time, their attention and their perspective and advice. THAT is a gift beyond a measurement of worth. Those people allowed me to come up for air, catch my breath and keep swimming. They didn’t pick me up in a boat and paddle me to the nearest piece of land and build me a bed to sleep on. My life isn’t designed to be that way, I don’t know anyone whos life IS designed that way.

Anyway… it means a lot to me to grasp this latest life lesson and tailor my expectations accordingly. I want to live my life in a way that will allow me to be a support system for others and allow them a safe place to rest and if I’m in the position, I want to be able to take them to the nearest rest stop. I want that & I know I will have that.

Another lesson that I think I’ve really grasped is just how short life really is. Some days it seems to go by so slowly then others feel as if I’ve blinked and it’s been 3 years. Yet, 4 years ago I never would have imagined my life as it is now, but I KNOW I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and in hindsight, I wish I wouldn’t have worried so much and just trusted that everything was working out the way it should. I’m getting married in 9 days to an amazing man who treats me better than I have EVER known was possible. He shares the same goals as me to build and grow together, we communicate often and his family is full of loving and caring people who are incredibly supportive and faithful. I never could have imagined this for me because it’s nothing I’ve ever experienced or known before. There’s no way I would have known to ask God for this, but God can see my heart and He knew exactly what I needed. I just needed to get out of my own way.

I don’t know what the next few days will bring, let alone the next few years but I DO know that no matter what comes my way I’m going to fight the good fight and I’ll have someone by my side who will love and support me through whatever may come.