I believe that trauma is something that can be passed down through generations. It can present itself in subtle ways, or it can come full force.. but I don’t believe there’s a single person born on this planet that just has the innate desire to hurt others. I know there are situations and mental health concerns that make it near impossible for some people to feel empathy and other feelings that most of us consider ‘normal’… but that’s not what I’m aiming at right now.

Recently, in the past two years or so, I’ve been sharing more of my trauma with others.. mainly in the form of therapy, one on one sessions with a mental health professional.. but also to close friends and romantic relationships. There’s this saying, I’m not exactly sure the wording but it says, be careful who you open your heart to, not everyone knows what to do with something so valuable. I’m 33, almost 34.. and I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have and I believe I always will. I share my thoughts and feelings with anyone, as long as I feel like they’re listening… but I’ve also seen that this is potentially more harmful to me than it is helpful. I share now because I’m able to articulate how I feel… I share now because it took me a long time to speak up for myself… I share now because I’m healing and haven’t really had the opportunity to share before… I share because I need to feel heard.

I’m smart enough to understand that there is a right place and time to have personal conversations, but I’ve been emotionally stunted in areas that make FEEL like any place and time is the right time. The two can be confusing. The truth is, many people are struggling, and even more so, many people do not really know what to do when someone expresses themselves to them. Instead, they block off the emotions and portray you as someone who is immature, emotionally unstable or “crazy”. I’m smart enough to understand this.

I’m reaching a point in my life where I finally feel free from the weights that have tied me down. I feel like I can actually “choose happiness” rather than be swallowed up by overwhelming grief and sadness. It’s a breath of fresh air… it seems like a whole new life.

Sometimes I can physically FEEL my parents trauma.. I know what my Dad experienced as a child.. not fully but based on what he expressed over the years, I know he had to survive at a young age. Looking back at my own childhood, I can rationalize where his anger came from… I can see him repeating some of the same cycles with my brother that his dad did to him.. I’ve felt similar stress to trying to manage money and do the right thing and progress in a profession and take care of my belongings and live with people who couldn’t or didn’t help out financially or take care of their belongings, etc. The point is.. I can feel it, I don’t want to perpetuate it. I’m sorry he experienced his traumas, I’m sorry my brother, mom and myself also experienced residual affects of that trauma.. and I’m sorry that at some point I probably lashed out on others with similar trauma based actions. I’ve seen my Mom struggle with her mental health for years, her depression and the volatile dynamic between her and my Dad. I have worried for a long time that I see very similar traits in myself in that regard, mostly the depression, that I don’t want to carry through life and pass along to anyone.

My heart breaks for my family… but I firmly believe in free-will and I know that I have the ability to stop certain life experiences from being passed down to the next generation. 33 years is a long time, I’ve immersed myself in trauma, unknowingly through childhood, but then as I had the free-will to decide who I spent my time with and what I allowed myself to experience. It all seemed so “automatic” to an extent… like I was blindly gravitating towards similar situations and people who would mimic the chaos I was used to. I knew I didn’t belong in friend circles that included people who had pretty decent upbringings or hadn’t experienced a whole lot of drama. I’m sure, to them, they had… but I tended to feel like I had to act like a different person to be around them.

I’ve spent years of my life, dedicating my time to people who (now looking back) needed me in some way.. and vice versa. People who had drug addiction in their family, a one parent household, extreme money problems, a parent who died by suicide, a life in foster care never knowing their parents, abuse, sexual abuse from family members, homelessness, lawlessness, begging, poverty… I have experienced, second hand, trauma from these people who I loved. The only thing I ever wanted for them was happiness and for them to know that they were somebody and that they were worthy and could amount to anything they wanted. But trauma is not easy to overcome… generational trauma is not easy to break.. and it’s never been my sole responsibility to take the brunt and abuse from people who are dealing with their circumstances.

Everything finally came to a head this past year or so. I worked through and processed (through therapy sessions) a lot of childhood stuck points, vivid memories of anger and abuse and violence, hate and manipulation, worked through sexual assaults and low self worth, through the grief of “losing” my twin brother even though he is still alive, through the physical and mental abuse from my marriage that ended pretty abruptly before I moved out of the country, worked through a miscarriage and narcissistic verbal and emotional abuse leading to major depression and suicidal ideation, then through ridicule and life altering career decisions. I’m typing it all out here, mostly because it validates that I KNOW I have survived some things and I know I don’t need to share them with everyone… but it’s a form of healing for me and at some points I just wanted to feel heard.

The tides are turning, and they’ve been shifting for some time.. but I no longer feel tied down by my past or the trauma… I don’t really feel like I need to keep trying to tell my story to deaf ears. I’ve been heard by those who love me who have allowed me to take the weight off my chest and release it. I feel a little bit like a butterfly, and the cocoon that kept me so safe.. the guards I had up.. were also helping me grow and transform. I finally feel free.