It’s 2022. HOLY crap.

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here and SO MUCH has happened since July.

I’m obsessed with the state of the world, and have been since around early August. When I say obsessed.. I mean, I’m completely over-consuming information, regularly, every single day. I’m obsessed with finding out information so that I can be informed. It’s incredible with how much time this actually takes, but it makes sense. It’s like trying to watch everyone’s lives, their whole entire day, to get pieces of information that you need. It’s impossible. It’s a bit unhealthy and is definitely effecting me mentally. I have read so much information, technical and medical and lawful and scientific, that I’ve been able to form my own opinions on everything that’s going on. But I’m also completed f’d up about it all because it really makes me feel SO small and powerless at times.

Through everything that’s been going on, I have been practicing letting go of my fear and my need to control situations and outcomes. I’ve been leaning on my faith and trusting that I am doing my part even though at times I can’t see where I’m headed. I can say my faith in God has gotten stronger through this, though, I think I’ve always had a pretty good relationship with my spiritual side and my beliefs. Something that has rung true to me recently is that, my obsessing and need to control is EXACTLY why I suffer. Because as soon as I let go of my fear and my idea that I can control everything that happens in my life, I started finding myself in situations that I personally could have NEVER imagined for myself, even if I were to picture the ‘ideal’ life that I wanted. I really do attribute this to the higher energy guiding me. I can’t even doubt it.

I’ve been going to therapy pretty regularly, once a week, and we are doing CBT. It has actually helped me get to the root of my “strongly held beliefs” which I understand now. There were things that I have had to force myself to sit down and write out and force myself to think about constructively and THEN read out loud and experience the emotions that came along with all of that. It was literally like having a weight lifted. I felt like after I was able to do that, I was NO longer holding onto the ‘trauma’ or being obsessive over the need to fix it or make amends or find ‘closure’. It literally just dissipated into the cosmos. The best thing about all of this is that I have finally felt heard and been acknowledged. For such a long time I’ve been told to move on or push it aside or let go of it, but I was never really given the chance to express myself freely without fear of backlash or anger or grudges. I’ve never wanted to blame anyone for the things that I’ve held on to, I’ve just wanted to try and make sense of everything and process how it made me feel at the time and just let it be known. I’m well past old enough now to understand that everyone is learning in this lifetime, nobody has it all figured out and I can empathize with anyone and I can try to understand and forgive. But so many people do not allow themselves to ever get to this point because their traumas have become a deep part of their identity, and they (probably) fear, on a subconscious level, that if they let go of it, they will be losing part of their self. It’s actually quite the opposite because it allows for growth and development into an even better, healthier, happier version of yourself. There are MANY conversations I wish I could have with my loved ones. My heart yearns to be able to spend hours in these conversations until we are verbally and emotionally able to close the wounds and become stronger together. I tend to imagine myself in these situations and I can spend hours thinking about it and projecting it into the universe, almost like I’m quietly speaking to their soul from afar. I truly believe that it works, even though I know I will likely never get the acknowledgement in human form. Either way, it helps me.

My dreams over the last few months have been horrific. Scenes that I couldn’t even make up in my waking life if I tried! Very gruesome, fearful dreams, most involving death or me being in fear for my life. I think this is because I am feeling so stressful during the day and at night my fears and frustrations come out in these strange ways. It’s also strange that in my dreams I am able to talk to people about what is actually happening in real life, or even recall a memory from ANOTHER dream and talk about it in my current dream. Not sure what that represents, but it really makes them feel even that much more real.

Two major events have happened over the last six months, that have started to face my life in a new direction. One is that I have been pushed into a corner in my current career, which has activated a fight or flight response in me and prompted me to become brave and tactical. I have realized that I can actually make a difference and that I am stronger than I ever realized. I’ve had to do my research and face my fears and be bold and stand up for myself and for the truth, and I’ve faced a TON of negativity and judgement and alienation and hate from doing that. I have had many days where I am in pieces and I am wanting to hide from the world, but then there are other days where I am connecting with others who are going through similar experiences and they’re cheering me on from afar and telling me that I am inspirational to them. It’s been quite the experience and it’s given me hope that I am even more capable of doing something better in this life than what I am experiencing now. Even though it’s been rough and was NOT a part of my ‘ideal’ life or what I thought I wanted… it’s just another confirmation that God’s plan is bigger than mine and that I’m being show that there are other options.

The second event is that I have met someone who I am seeing without rose colored glasses. It was very unexpected but it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made in a while to fight my fears and self sabotage and allow this person into my life. We started off as friends with no expectations and with respect and boundaries and genuine concern for one another. He has become someone that I value and cherish and he has shown me what authentic, unconditional love is. I’ve opened up to him about things that I have never been proud to admit, things that I have been made to feel bad about by others, and he has been nothing short of understanding and accepting. He is another reason that my faith in God has grown tremendously over the past several months, because before him, I was in a VERY low place and I cried out to God to let me come home. A couple weeks later, after hiding in my apartment, afraid to venture out into society, I randomly told myself to get dressed up and go out across the street and meet new people. And I did. And I met him, and others. And it was fate, because that was his first time at that bar and he ended up getting ditched by the girl who invited him there. We hung out after that, watching movies, doing artwork, traveling to nearby destinations to do photography, cooking and trying recipes and all the while, maintaining boundaries and developing friendship. I’ve had to learn boundaries over the years and even harder than that was learning how to say no and how to stand up for myself and not feel pressured. He never once made me feel uncomfortable or uneasy and he enjoyed spending time with me and told me there was no rush for ANYTHING. Slowly, I started realizing that THIS is what my Mom meant all these years where she told me to “find someone you can be friends with first”, and she was right! And again, this was something that I KNOW is due to God’s plan/timing, because I would have never imagined this for myself, but now that it’s here, I LOVE every single second. Instead of wanting to go ‘home’, I’m now wanting more than anything to live as long as I can to experience life together with this man.