Sometimes I pretend I’m a presenter on TED talks.. I realize I’m not a specialist on anything in particular.. but I’ll spend time speaking my thoughts out loud as if I’m in front of an audience. Here’s my typed version of that for the roughly 5 people who read this every other month. I appreciate you.

So… my 33rd birthday rolled around, and it started off with a bang. One of the most amazing bangs of my entire existence.

I go prescribed MeDiCaTiOn! Ahh yes, the world of anti-depressants. Something I’ve avoided nearly my entire life because I’ve been too proud/ stubborn and self-medicated instead. There are a few reasons that this is so significant to me.. the main thing being that I stopped lying about how “well” I was doing. If you’ve never done that, I suggest you try it… stop lying about being OK. That decision literally put my career at risk – being in the military AND being in the role in aviation that I am, we have to be careful what we tell medical professionals. But.. nonetheless, I bared my soul. I had been going to talk to a therapist for about a year, but then switched to a female therapist and I felt like I could tell her anything… things that I’ve never actually spoken out loud before, but it was like my soul was an oversoaked sponge that just couldn’t keep anything in anymore.

I was terrified to speak some of the things out lout because it meant that they were no longer just replaying memories or obsessively feeling emotions inside my very LOUD mind. Anyways.. I got the medication and I know they say it usually takes about a month to see any results… well I noticed them IMMEDIATELY. 2 days after taking them, I realized just exactly WHY I was feeling so overwhelmed all the time – my brain was obsessively thinking and making connections and with those connections I would FEEL many emotions a day. The medication allowed my brain to stop the obsessive thoughts and I could actually focus on one thing at a time and NOT feel everything so intensely. I needed that kind of break. It was nice.

My Dad always told me, growing up, that medication is not something you’re supposed to take and get dependent on… it’s used as a “crutch” to get you over the hump.. and I 100% agree with that. I could never imagine taking something every single day as a supplement to what I know my brain is capable of. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with people who DO take medication every single day, but for me personally.. being stubborn and wanting to take control in my own hands… I just couldn’t do it. I stopped taking the medication about a week ago because even though it helped tremendously, there were also some adverse side effects that I felt were not worth my risking them to become permanent. For instance.. I enjoy feeling emotion… I enjoy being passionate.. but I just needed a break from that to realize that there are things I can do everyday to slow those feelings and thoughts down. One of those things is working out.. I enjoy it now, where as before it just felt like another thing that would exhaust me, because I was already so mentally exhausted. I’m monitoring myself more closely now that I know what to look for and I’m really trying to keep a level head and change myself for the better one day at a time. But this post wasn’t even prompted by me wanting to talk about being put on medication… it’s what I’ve started to feel more recently about life and where I am.

I’ve spent a large chunk of my life being a victim. Weather I knew it or not. I feel like for a majority of my life, I just wanted somebody to listen to me about how I was feeling or the things that I was going through. It became like a long standing narrative of my life, constantly adding on things that I had gone through and feeling so overwhelmed with the never-ending cycle of shit. But… recently I feel like I have leveled up – spiritually or something.

I’m proud of where I am today. I’m proud of WHO I am today. I feel like a reset button has been pushed but instead of me having to start all over from the beginning, I get to start at this point in life where I’ve already beaten some of the hardest levels. I’m in a really good position. I’m single, debt free, I’ve got a stable career and I need/want for nothing. I feel really good about life right now, and it feels like all of the paths that I have taken in the past have lead me here. I’m equipped with a LIFETIME of knowledge and from this point on, I get to decide what I will and will not accept into my life. If I can maintain a happy life with everything I mentioned above.. why would I ever want to allow someone or something into my life with will take away from any of it? I’ve already experienced a WIDE range of shit in my life… I don’t want to do it again. I’d never go back and I’m glad I’ve gotten out/ past all of the situations. Of course there are things in life that I still want to experience. Ideally – I’d love to fall in love with a man who knows how to love me for me, I’d love to have a child and raise it/them in a stable, loving environment, I want to travel more and spend time with the people that I love, and I want to help people some how. Life just seems much more simpler right now and I’m grateful to still be here for it.