It’s a full moon tonight, time to cleanse out the negativity.

What a year it has been. First and foremost, I’m proud of where I am today, and grateful for everything that I have in my life. Family, friends, stability, a job, my dog Vito and the beautiful views I get to see everyday living in Italy.

All of that aside, because inevitably this blog is about more than just being grateful, I have concerns.

I’m starting to question whether or not I have lost my ability to be empathetic. Sometimes I feel linear, like my range of emotions are all leveled out to just one flat line of “ok”. But “ok” in many different forms… ok – contentment, ok – questioning, ok – confrontational, ok – defeat, ok – agreeance… I know last year at this time I was very emotionally attached to someone in an almost obsessive way, where I needed their attention all the time, until eventually it all just blew up and I found myself completely isolated for once. That was hard, but I know I was still working through tons of trauma and stress from the past previous year or so. But here I am now, and I’m not clinging to anyone, I’m pretty content, I’m bored nonetheless, but I am making it through my days without feeling like I’m in a never ending downward spiral of depressive thoughts. I haven’t cried in a while.. maybe I got it all out of my system? It doesn’t seem that bad now that I’m typing about it but the reason that I am concerned is because I feel like I am unable to feel “love” now.. and I used to bask in that shit. I would find love for any and everything, strangers, friends, beauty, the beach, moments… and now I don’t get that same sensation in my chest. In fact, I don’t feel anything in my chest other than the occasional weird flip flop thing my heart does…

I did break down and cry when I went home. There is definitely one thing in the world that makes me emotional and it’s family or people I consider to be family. I had a heart to heart with my dad and had a moment where I cried deeply, and when I saw my grandmother for the last time, I lost it. Then I saw my Uncle the same day and the familiarity of him mixed with the amount of time that passed since I has seen him also made me ball my eyes out. I think I miss familiarity. I know I do. I wish my family was more “together” or close like I see out in town or within my own friends. Inside jokes that have been around since childhood.. nicknames, safeness, familiar faces and expressions… Honestly, I think if I came around anyone I knew as a child, I’d probably lose my composure. Those times feel like so long ago and so much has changed and if I’m brought back to myself in that time.. I know that I am so much stronger today, I’ve survived so much and here I am still relentlessly kicking ass in my own world.

I guess that’s just how this life shit goes though, right? I know my mind’s never ending process of making connections and trying to “figure shit out” has a lot to do with how I approach life… I never forget… even though I have short term memory loss… I keep replaying certain things over and over until the connection is made that satisfies my need to understand why they occurred in the first place, and then once I’m content, they start to fade away as not to plague me anymore.