Ok. So the stuff we talked about on the phone… one… ask your financial lady what is the criteria you have to meet, specifically, before you can get a car? She said “a more stable house” tell her you need specifics.

Secondly… that website is called : https://www.near-death.com/archives.html that link will take you directly to a page of where people posted their experiences. I’ve read the whole website a few times… it’s seriously helped me come to terms with life here.

Also, I wanted to say something because I forgot to mention it on the phone. But, whenever we talk, you always tell me how smart I am and that you wish you were as smart as me…. I appreciate that.. but you’re fucking smart CJ. REALLY smart. And I know you don’t feel like it sometimes, but I seriously need you to believe that, I’m NOT just saying that because you’re my brother… I mean it. I hate that you doubt yourself so much, and I won’t get into any sappy shit here, but you need to know that you’re smart, I don’t know how else to tell you that.

ALSO… YOU are GOING to HEAVEN. I dont give a fuck what bad shit you have done in this life, seriously, I would stick with you through thick and thin, you’re not a bad fucking person. You’re not evil. Yea you have done some shit that most people would never do, but guess what?? YOURE FUCKING HUMAN. We are living a HUMAN existence and we are learning, don’t be so hard on yourself. You think you don’t deserve to be happy?? You think you deserve to suffer here your entire living life?? Why?? Because it’s all you know? Because you deserve it? FUCK NO. This life you’re living can change at ANY moment, seriously. And as long as you’re willing to walk through those doors that open up for you, then you can experience something else. You’re in a pattern… and I know you see it. It keeps recycling and restarting and you can tell you’re in it… and you wake up one day and you’re 32. And it’s like you’ve been stuck in one of those waves that keeps knocking you down and dragging you under…. and you’re so used to it. You think you’re supposed to live like that, maybe you think you’re a merman or a dolphin or a seashell… but you’re a human… and all these other humans are walking by wondering why that guy doesn’t just stand up and walk out of the ocean or what he doesn’t flip over and float on his back and float away from the turbulence?? What I’m trying to say is, if there is something inside of you that keeps telling you that you deserve to live the life you’re living.. you deserve to suffer… it’s all you’ll ever know… tell that voice to shut the fuck up, because nobody determines how you’re going to live but YOU. You know why that voice is there to begin with CJ??? Because all your early life, that shit was implanted in you by Daddy, and the countless hours sitting at the dinner table comparing you to me, and telling you you were going to end up on the street or dead or end up “like Shawn Price”…. the brain is like a sponge and yours soaked those ideas and words up, and now your life is a living example of what repetition does to the brain. YOU… DO… NOT… DESERVE.. TO.. LIVE… LIKE… THIS… FOREVER. It’s not your destiny. You’re fucking SMART, you can make better decisions that will adjust your path, but it’s going to take forceful brain power. And EVERY move you make in the right direction will feel so weird to you, it will feel un natural, you’ll probably think “this is weird” or “this doesn’t feel like me”… and that’s how it SHOULD feel until you step by step crawl your way our of the dungeon you’ve allowed yourself to be kept in. Just because you’ve been hurting most of your life doesn’t mean you have to keep hurting yourself because it’s “normal” for you. You deserve to be happy and healthy, and you actually have a HUGE network of people wanting to help you.. if you can just manage to get yourself out of the door and in a new direction. I promise you, you will NOT fail in this world. I PROMISE YOU THAT. You will not fail.

If anything, I’VE GOT YOU CJ – I’v had you & I’ve shown you that. Open your eyes. Let’s go.

I love you. – xox Ashleigh