I want to write so much more, so many important memories that I have… but I don’t think the internet is the right place for this anymore. I’ve got to go off the grid. Completely. No social media, no blog… nothing. Disconnect from this addictive, mindless  brainwashing system.

Excuses.

I don’t want them. I don’t want them as a part of my story when I’m older and looking back on my life. I think excuses go hand in hand with fear, otherwise what’s the purpose? Many people go out into the world, head on, face first, and TRY to make their dreams a reality. Then there are others who dream but make excuses. And those are the people who see a small percentage of their dreams become a reality.

I’m growing, and I can see it like it’s happening right before my own eyes.

First the positive mental attitude has come a long way. I’ve been fixing my habits; running, juicing, eating regular – healthy – meals. That’s where it started. I genuinely feel happier, for longer periods of time. I love who I am. I love that I am allowed to be me with no interjection or opinions or judgments . I don’t have to worry about my thoughts being crazy to someone, or the way I laugh or smile or be told that I’m too fat, too much, too sensitive. I’m just living, as me, for nobody else.. and I love it.

I have seen how sensitive I am, but I don’t judge myself for it.. in fact, I love it. I love how empathetic I am, I love how beautifully I chose to see some things in the world, I love how I imagine happiness and love SHOULD be… I love all of that about me. I love that I’m pushing myself through running, and that I can see a difference in my body. I love what I think is so funny… it’s like becoming best friends with myself.

I don’t think I’ve ever hated myself, but as I’m growing I’m starting to see how much I valued myself… and it wasn’t very high. I’ve always been approached in a sexual manner, before I even allowed anyone to get to KNOW me, I let them feel me. And this time that I’ve had to keep to myself and not allow myself to get sucked into more situations like that, has been some of the best time for me. I don’t engage in those kinds of conversations with people anymore, I don’t entertain an idea.. and you’d be surprised at how many people truly don’t understand what conversation is without sexual innuendos.

I had someone tell me “you’re attractive in an awkward way”.. and I asked them to explain and they said “it’s like you don’t WANT people to like you… like I have to get to know you.” I didn’t take it personal at all, and I know what he meant and I know why he said it. I wasn’t responding to any of his sexual innuendos or giving him any room to jump in. The truth is, I’m just not interested in that right now. I want friendships. REAL friendships. I don’t want someone to look at me and “like” me… they don’t like me.. they like what they see.. they don’t even know me. I want someone to want to take their time with me and get to know me and value my existence in their life, have conversation that isn’t just geared towards getting me in bed. I won’t do it.

When you spend half your life believing that your worth really comes down to how you make someone feel in bed, you get a twisted sense of reality. You start jumping in feet first showing someone what you have to offer and then end up feeling hurt and frustrated when time has gone by and all you want to do is feel cared about and loved, genuinely, but that person doesn’t care or know how to give you that because they already got “the best of you”… but did they really?

I’m about to be 32. I don’t have time to waste anymore on hoping the person I’m with will treat me right or love me like I deserve – which means I also don’t have time to just fuck around, literally. I get too emotionally connected to people and ideas… that’s also something I’m working on. I don’t want to waste 4+ years of my life. Honestly, if I had to weigh the options, I’d rather be single, childless, debt free and safe than end up in another relationship where it’s nothing but chaos and issues & especially not with a child in that environment.

What are the chances of meeting someone who has also been working on themselves, is financially secure, dependable, has no kids, isn’t married and who just wants to love someone and start a family and work towards goals together?! I’m not going to put a probability on that.. I’ll just keep talking to God and do my part.

♣