It’s not so bad coming home to just myself. I think I’ve gotten over the hump of disappointment and sadness in that regard. I’ve been keeping myself busy, mostly with school and cleaning. Every now and again I will catch myself falling into a funk where I actually wonder if certain moments with people even existed. I won’t dwell on it, but I miss the friendlier parts of my past relationships… just having those people to laugh with or share my day with.. but I understand that I am where I am now for a reason, and I’m ok with that.

Being alone has given me time to really envision the type of person I want to see myself with, and for my whole life up until this point, I never really had a standard, honestly. I just gravitated towards people who I knew would accept me for me at the time. Let’s be honest, I’ve been strange and weird my entire life, I’ve never known how to fit in, I never had a whole lot of self identity… I just kind of tried to figure it out along the way. I look back at pictures of myself and I cringe so hard because I look so completely lost and unsure of myself and who I wanted to be. Now I feel like I actually have all the opportunity in the world to develop myself, and I know it’s no better time than now.

I’ve been going back and forth in my mind on a few things that actually meant so much to me in prior years. One main thing is being a mother. I’m not sad over the idea that I might never have children… in fact, the more I have time to piece things together, I’m actually scared shit-less to even imagine bringing a human into this world. And it’s not even about the state of the world right now, it’s more so that I know I would just want to give that little human the absolute best life possible, and with the way I get depressed or stressed out, I don’t want a child to have to deal with that. I witnessed so incredibly much of that growing up and maybe the way I break the cycle is by being the last piece of that cycle.

The other thing that I’ve gotten used to the idea of is not ever really finding that ideal life partner to share my days and journey with. Hopefully this doesn’t sound morbid, but it’s just where I am right now in life. I am actually very uncomfortable with the idea of dating. I’ve had a few chances and I don’t know if it’s my confidence being low, or the fact that I just don’t want to get involved with people and risk actually being attracted to them and end up with it not working out. Clearly I know that’s how it goes, that’s the name of the game, but honestly, I just would rather not. I don’t necessarily know if I’m “healing” or if I’m just kind of living and doing whatever… but I definitely don’t want to take 25 steps back. I’m not attracted to anybody at this point, and I guess that’s actually ok.

What I HAVE been doing, is really thinking about what that person would look like to me though. That person that could potentially be my forever human, journey buddy. I’ve just been imagining how this person would treat me and really letting that feeling sit in my heart, almost as if I already have that person here. I guess in some way I’m being that person for myself, which I think is what a lot of people describe as “loving yourself” before you can love someone else. I’ve been learning how to be more patient with myself and in those moments where I’m sad and wish someone was here, or I’m happy and wish I was laughing with someone other than myself, or wishing I could talk about my day, I am doing that with myself (maybe that’s crazy, but that’s all I’ve got for now).. and I think it’s buffering out the rough edged and dropping the habits I’ve picked up through years of toxic relationships. So, since I’ve been being that person for myself… I really think it’s made me realize that I don’t actually need anyone around in my life, especially if they’re not going to treat me better than I treat myself. A- fucking- men.

With that being said, I feel like I’m shedding even more deep seeded layers. Especially in the area of my oldest gripe, missing my brother. It’s been an extremely long time, and I have a tendency to make up a fairy tail world in my head of how great it would be to have in around in my life. But let’s be honest, there is so much to hash out between us that I’m not going to sweat him anymore. He is where he is in life right now because that’s where he chooses to stay and all the power in my little beating heart isn’t going to pull him out of those circumstances. So, brother, come find me when you’re ready to come around. Unlike a lot of other people in my life who I can easily cut out, you’re not that simple because you’re my brother and you’re going to always be my brother, my twin. But, just like all the others, you’re not going to take my presence for grated anymore and I won’t allow you to infiltrate my heart and mind with sadness. I love you though.

If you grow up in a household where chaos is the norm or lack of communication is common or STRESS is an everyday thing, you start thinking that that’s how life with always be, but it’s not. Not at all. I love being able to chose if something can fit into my life or not. It’s the most hands-on approach to my own happiness that I’ve ever been a part of.