Intentions. Let’s talk about those.

Intentions go hand in hand with goals. I’ve been practicing mindfulness again recently, after a conversation with someone from my past who reminded me (and assumed I am still the same as back then) of how mindful I used to be. Mindful in the sense that I purposefully recognized my thoughts and worked on putting energy into what I wanted in my life. I could heal myself, I was always speaking about visualization, energy and being aware of what type of energy I was putting out.

Well, needless to say, I slipped away from that ever since being in the military, and it’s been a struggle to get back to it. The military mind-set is so different than the one I had before I joined, and I’ve definitely gained so many new strengths from this new way of thinking, but I feel a need to try and incorporate some of my most genuine parts of myself back into my life.

Seems like such a funny thing to even think about, incorporating “myself within myself”, but it’s true. As we grow and age and go through experiences, we are always collecting new data and traits and dropping old ones, not even on purpose but subconsciously, to allow us to fit into the environment we are currently in.

I’m tired of suffering, I’m the only one creating that. Through it though, I have made it a point to stop and be grateful for what I have, because from the outside looking in, I’ve got it made, and I really DO, but mentally, it’s like quicksand… which isn’t actually quick at all is it? It’s thick like oatmeal and slow, but powerful.. I have no analogy for that one.

Maybe it’s the vitamin D and other vitamins I took today that are allowing my head space to make much more sense, or maybe it’s because I finally decided a couple days ago “fuck it”, this is where I am in life. I’m alone. It is what it is, and I don’t need anyone or anything to latch onto to fill this void inside of me. I have to embrace where I am right now, and I need to build these safe haven walls up a little bit and start living like a lone warrior. I can have anything I want in this life, and that even means that I get to decide who is in my life… and if you come in and your energy fucks me up and doesn’t sit well with me, no matter what my MIND wants to imagine (because my mind is always rainbows and butterflies), if it doesn’t vibe with me, you’re gonna keep moving be on your merry way and so will I.

I’ve spent entirely too long in my life allowing people into my personal space, head space, heart and home and letting them run wild while trying to adapt and be understanding and loving and everything else my mind was painting and my heart was hoping for… yet literally NONE of those people are here today, and that is a true show of how much they belonged here with me. And I them.

What I WANT is someone who connects with my soul and understands how to take care of the piece of my that is given. BASIC respect, BASIC in my terms… but so many people are fucked up and hurting and not healing and pushing through and grasping and giving half ass attempts… and I don’t want it… cuz I’m doing the same shit. And 2 half asses don’t make a whole ass, I don’t care what they tell you in biology.

Anyway. I’m going to leave everyone in the past, and even if my mind is telling me to try to connect with them because XYZ… I will keep pushing forward and growing this fence of mine. My Dad always tells me “you’re not an island”… well no.. I’m not an island, but I’m definitely going to be Area 51, or that sock you can never find in the dryer… or Wilson off that show back in the day with Jonathan Taylor Thomas ::sigh with heart eyes:: my first real love.

But, intentions. What a clean-slate-time to be alive.