I’m lonely.

AS FUCK.

This life doesn’t seem worth living if it’s just me in it by myself. That’s not to say that I won’t keep living, I will… until my heart stops beating. I’ll keep going. BUT.. I’m lonely.

I’m learning how to cope with being alone, and it’s a weird feeling. My life has always been in the extremes, and what some might consider “normal” is probably this feeling that I have that is so different than what I’m used to. I don’t have to be all or nothing. I don’t have to have the world in my hands or throw it all away because it isn’t enough.

Most importantly, I don’t have to be so hard on myself. I’m learning and I living through these moments that are so foreign to me. I do have high expectations, for not only myself but for everyone around me.. I don’t have to do something incredibly amazing with my life to be worth a damn.  Right now I need this time to learn how to just be me AND be ok with that.

A couple things I’ve learned through therapy so far:

• I have an “all or nothing” mentality.
• I’m very hard on myself.
• My sense of self comes from my relationships.
• I never feel like I’m good enough because I have an unrealistic idea of who I’m supposed to be.
• I NEED structure.

I’ve known some of these.. but to hear it laid out in front of me is relieving. I didn’t realize how hard I am on myself until my therapist said “When you’re finished writing that book about quantum physics while laying on the beach after traveling through every single country and completing your masters in aeronautics and engineering… I’d like a signed copy”.. I was laughing so hard when he said that because he was painting this super hectic, intricate picture of my words but he was really saying “slow down” and that I don’t need to accomplish some crazy shit to be able to feel good about myself.

I’ve been processing my relationships, and when he asked why I suddenly became interested in women, I told him I didn’t suddenly become interested in women, I got interested in Jai.

The entire reason I joined the military was because I saw NO WAY out of the life I was living at the time and the relationship I was in. It was HECTIC and a never ending cycle of sick shit that I wouldn’t ever want to relive. Ever. And I got away by just waking up one day and going to the recruiters office. I CAN say, my trust in men at that point was at a whole zero. I lost a lot of faith in the idea that I would ever find a man who would be the kind of man that would treat me right and be strong for me the way I had been strong in my relationships. “Treat others the way you want to be treated”.. that shit doesn’t work. I gravitated towards Jai because she was loud and outgoing and I liked the way she was un-apologetically herself. In my mind I thought life with a girl would be so much more simple, less drama, cleanliness, and just pure bliss. LMFAO.

I really thought that. And mixed with the fact that I was already on cloud nine from being away from abuse and other factors, I was actually blissfully happy with Jai for a while. More so than I had ever known happiness in my life. That’s what makes this whole situation so heartbreaking when I see pictures of how happy I was, because that was GENUINE. But it slowly started fading over time, over little mind games at my expense, over her attempts to purposefully make me jealous, especially in a long distance relationship. Her drinking didn’t help the situations either. When we finally moved in together, I think we both tried to push shit aside and make the best of it.. but she cheated on me within our first year of marriage, and lied about it for over a year. But my instinct is never wrong, and I hate feeling stupid or played. Then the drinking got worse, her mental state got worse, our fighting got more intense and she put her hands on me on multiple occasions where she finally got arrested and I left. The country.

I NEVER thought I’d let a girl put her hands on me and get away with it, but I’m not a fighter, and I’m not willing to risk the ONLY form of stability I have, my career, on fighting back in self defense. I’ve BEEN there. In that exact situation. Except with MY OWN FUCKING TWIN. All I know is, I never deserved it. ANY time it’s happened to me, I’ve not deserved it. But it’s happened, and for some reason IT HAPPENS. It’s the shit that boggles my mind the most because people who love you shouldn’t be the same people who hurt you. But that’s all I’ve known and witnessed.. and I refuse to believe that because of what I ‘know’ about how love works, that my entire life will follow that suit. I don’t have it in me to go another round. Which is probably why I will thank myself in time for being so lonely rather than being abused.

PLUS.. I need to move on from the first half of my life and begin my second half… so I’m not 40 years old still reliving the past. Ain’t NOBODY got time for that.

I just pray that when the right person comes along that I know how to accept real unconditional love without thinking it’s a lie. Guess that’s why they say love yourself first. Be easy on yourself, forgive yourself, enjoy yourself with all your flaws and take care of yourself.