In this moment, I am so genuinely happy and grateful. I can’t believe I’ve ended up here in my most ideal circumstances. My heart is exploding with love for life and all I can do is sit back and allow it to engulf me. This is what I deserve to feel. From nothing or nobody other than life itself. What a beautiful creation.

It feels like I’m meeting myself for the first time, and I couldn’t think of a better partner in crime to continue this journey with. I’m grateful for this moment and the moments that have led me here.. but I’m also so intensely grateful for what’s coming. I finally feel like I’m on the right path, and it’s indescribable, yet it’s still something worth writing home about.

As I’m driving home with my heart bursting with light beams, the sun is setting and peeking below the clouds, which have been overcast for the entire day. God created all of this of pure love, and I get to be a part of it. By the time I reach my destination, the bright orange-red sun is casting a sunset that would put Bob Ross to shame. I had to take the time to share this so I can remind myself that moments like this DO exist, I just have to be here for them. ❤️

Before I joined the Navy in 2015, I met a guy at the recruiter’s office when we all had to meet for muster purposes. His name was Eddie. I was about to leave and go home after everything had concluded, and he walked up to me, introduced himself, and asked if he could give me his phone number and if I’d like to go to the gym with him. I said yes, and we started going to the gym almost every day after that. He was 6’2 or 6’3, and had the most heartwarming smile I had EVER seen. He was such a sweet guy. He even had a license and car.. and that was definitely a big plus since I was usually the one picking people up and driving them around.

We ended up talking a lot before we shipped out to bootcamp, and what struck me the most about Eddie was how much of a kind heart a soul he had. He was the most polite man I had ever met. He shook my Dad’s hand when they met for the first time, he wore a belt, knew how to carry on a conversation… he was definitely an old soul and wise beyond his years. In fact, he was quite a bit younger than me, by 6 years. He told me of something that happened to him when he was younger that broke my heart for him, but also explained why he was so gentle and caring and genuinely protective. We were never dating, but he treated me like I mattered, and he never wanted to see me unhappy or hurt. I thoroughly enjoyed what we had as friends.

He left two weeks after I did, and I would look for him in the hallways, while we were marching and during chow, but I never saw him. During the third or fourth week of bootcamp I got called into the office and was told that Eddie had stood up during the moment of truth and told them about a sexual assault that happened between a navy personnel and myself. I was dumbfounded, and pissed. Because, even though it was true, I did NOT want anything keeping me from making it into the Navy or holding me back so early on. I decided not to file a report even though my RDC’s were really angry about letting the person get away with their actions. That person ended up making chief and retiring a couple years later.

Anyway, it was a week before graduating bootcamp, and I was walking down the p-way to the mail room when I saw a line of males against the wall. EDDIE was standing there and I got the biggest smile on my face and gave him a hug (even though that was DEFINITELY not going to fly if someone walked out and saw that). I almost cried when I saw him again, I was proud to see that he made it through and I was happy that he got to see my smile that could hopefully keep him in good spirits until he also graduated.

When he finally graduated, we talked on the phone for a while. He went to Georgia for nuke school and I was in Pensacola. Conversations slowly started to die down and come to a screeching halt after he met his girlfriend (now wife and mother of his child) who decided that Eddie and I could no longer be friends or keep in contact. She blocked me from his social media and from being able to text or call him. I know this because Eddie was and is still friends with my Dad on FB… I didn’t even know this until my Dad asked me if I saw that Eddie was going to be a Dad. I just assumed he cut me off.

I think it’s shitty that people who mean even the littlest of something to you, can be cut off so quickly by insecure partners. It’s happened to me in other friendships as well.. and I really can’t tell if they were actually “friends” anyway if that’s how easily they can drop off the face of the Earth. I can respect boundaries and I would want others to do the same for me when I’m in a relationship. I think about Eddie from time to time and I hope he’s doing well and is happy. I know he’s an amazing father and probably an awesome husband. She’s a lucky girl and hopefully she is treating him how he deserves to be treated.

 

I’m actually enjoying being alone. It took me a little bit to get used to.. but honestly what are a couple months of my time compared to years and a lifetime!? It’s an awesome feeling to have most of my shit together and know that I did this. Now, the things that I have been neglecting are coming into the spotlight and it’s easier to start focusing on those areas of my life now that the clutter is cleared. I’m saying a lot more “no” to things that I don’t want to get involved in, and not feeling bad for it. Honestly, this could be the biggest year for me and my personal growth, all the cards are in my hands.

The whole sobriety thing was a nice thought  when I started in November… but it didn’t last long and honestly right now I don’t really mind that. I’m not an alcoholic and I enjoy going out and having some drinks, so as long as I’m not overdoing it and ending up in situations that are unsafe or undesirable, I don’t see a reason to completely cut myself off of that.

I signed up for tinder.. and instantly realized how pointless that was! I’m not looking for what tinder is offering, actually at this point anything relationship wise is out of the question for me completely. I’ve gone almost 5 months now without affection.. I can definitely keep going until I find someone who is worth my effort. That sounds pretentious but.. hey, it is what it is. I’m tired of letting other get the best of me.

I know this post isn’t the vitamin D talking, because I haven’t taken any in about a week.. so I’m happy that things are starting to look up.

I know something needs to be said. But words are powerful, more powerful than we give them credit. They’re energy, the voice is a vehicle for action. Sounds echo and form words that we’ve created. But we’ve created. Our voices reach until they can no longer keep moving, and where they land is where they create. Slowly pushing against other motions created by others created. Frequency. How frequently do we repeat our movements? Our sounds? Our thoughts. The precursor to our words and actions. Our initial creation from the created, a creator. You’re holding yourself together, molding yourself, and absorbing what you’ve offered. “Meditate.” Become STILL. A pond in an earthquake, its ripples seem infinite. A pond in the eye of the storm, seems untouched. Free yourself from the ripples you’ve created, and try again. ACTUALLY TRY. Control your mind so you can create what you want to experience, and protect against what may come your way because of another creators’ creation.

Thankful for the time we’ve spent.

I’ve given all my time, like money, every cent.

We have shared laughter, hate and tears.

Calculated: many months, many years.

Small stories, but the memories are stretched.

And each one, on my heart your name is etched.

“Family” – scattered.

Never doubt how much you’ve mattered.

Like everything else, there’s always an end.

Transformation from “family” to barely “friend.”

I’ve loved to love, dive deep and connect.

Now all the chains are cut; time to reflect.

A prime example of the purpose of life.

I can’t keep you, hopefully I’ve held you tight.

I’m spending more time with me.

The most in my life I’ve ever felt free.

I think I’ll stay here too.

Take care of me and not you.

If you get the chance, you should do the same.

Heal, re-energize, level up, that’s the game.

🎼Alicia Keys – Where Do We Go From Here

Time can feel like it’s frozen.. but then you catch yourself in the moment and realize that it’s never stopped ticking away.

There have been situations I’ve been in where I thought they’d never end; yet, here I am remembering them and not living in them.

I’m not exactly sure what the purpose of life is, but I’ve started realizing that my suffering is only coming from what I believe I want (and am not getting). I’m constantly disappointed by my expectations. But the truth is, I don’t NEED anything here. The ideal partner, kids, an awesome job, companionship, the perfect body, super knowledge… all the things that run through my mind every day that I am disappointed by because I don’t have them in accordance with my minds expectations of HOW I should them.

It seems a lot more simple to just take everything one moment at a time and not worry (future) or feel sorrow (past). Maybe that’s why we were all born to be creators.. biologically and physically.. to let your body create more bodies but let your mind create whatever it can imagine.

When I stay busy in my creative space, the outcomes are purely from within. A partner isn’t going to do that for me, children aren’t going to create that for me, the job, body, friends and family aren’t going to manifest what I feel inside… they’re only going to ADD to it.

I will still give pieces of my spirit and soul to those I meet and come to love, because I DO know that’s a portion of my purpose.. but I won’t let it be my ONLY purpose.

WORDS are powerful. And the mind is such a creative processor for imagination… so it’s no wonder at some point that we all get sucked into what someone is telling us, especially if we can actually PICTURE that world that’s being painted verbally.

But if you don’t follow through with actions then those words just become a fairy tale or worse, LIES. Doubt creeps in after that point whenever someone starts painting those pretty pictures again. It’s a cycle.

Someone talked about the 5 love languages book the other day, and I know my preferred method of being shown love is what you do. I can buy my own gifts, words of affirmation are nice, but again that’s where the doubt can set in if the actions aren’t speaking. Physical touch is nice, but if you’re not showing me in other ways, then this one is also null and void.

I’m not perfect either though. I paint tons of beautiful pictures in my mind, but when it comes down to what I want for myself I suddenly find the longest, most understandable list of excuses… so this time to myself should be filled with habit change, which doesn’t happen over night.

I’m starting school on Monday and that’s a routine I can get into.. like a building block to add to. Throw the gym in there and other things I wish to add into my life.. and hopefully one little small step at a time I can create this life that I actually want to live.

Which shoulder does the Devil sit on?

I think it’s the left one.

Vibe.

Kinda wanna switch places w my brother and go get fucked up and be out of my mind. Real shit. Then this would all make much more sense. But I’m TRYING and still sinking.

Gotta close the heart chakra & work on the solar plexus and sacral.

I’m lonely.

AS FUCK.

This life doesn’t seem worth living if it’s just me in it by myself. That’s not to say that I won’t keep living, I will… until my heart stops beating. I’ll keep going. BUT.. I’m lonely.

I’m learning how to cope with being alone, and it’s a weird feeling. My life has always been in the extremes, and what some might consider “normal” is probably this feeling that I have that is so different than what I’m used to. I don’t have to be all or nothing. I don’t have to have the world in my hands or throw it all away because it isn’t enough.

Most importantly, I don’t have to be so hard on myself. I’m learning and I living through these moments that are so foreign to me. I do have high expectations, for not only myself but for everyone around me.. I don’t have to do something incredibly amazing with my life to be worth a damn.  Right now I need this time to learn how to just be me AND be ok with that.

A couple things I’ve learned through therapy so far:

• I have an “all or nothing” mentality.
• I’m very hard on myself.
• My sense of self comes from my relationships.
• I never feel like I’m good enough because I have an unrealistic idea of who I’m supposed to be.
• I NEED structure.

I’ve known some of these.. but to hear it laid out in front of me is relieving. I didn’t realize how hard I am on myself until my therapist said “When you’re finished writing that book about quantum physics while laying on the beach after traveling through every single country and completing your masters in aeronautics and engineering… I’d like a signed copy”.. I was laughing so hard when he said that because he was painting this super hectic, intricate picture of my words but he was really saying “slow down” and that I don’t need to accomplish some crazy shit to be able to feel good about myself.

I’ve been processing my relationships, and when he asked why I suddenly became interested in women, I told him I didn’t suddenly become interested in women, I got interested in Jai.

The entire reason I joined the military was because I saw NO WAY out of the life I was living at the time and the relationship I was in. It was HECTIC and a never ending cycle of sick shit that I wouldn’t ever want to relive. Ever. And I got away by just waking up one day and going to the recruiters office. I CAN say, my trust in men at that point was at a whole zero. I lost a lot of faith in the idea that I would ever find a man who would be the kind of man that would treat me right and be strong for me the way I had been strong in my relationships. “Treat others the way you want to be treated”.. that shit doesn’t work. I gravitated towards Jai because she was loud and outgoing and I liked the way she was un-apologetically herself. In my mind I thought life with a girl would be so much more simple, less drama, cleanliness, and just pure bliss. LMFAO.

I really thought that. And mixed with the fact that I was already on cloud nine from being away from abuse and other factors, I was actually blissfully happy with Jai for a while. More so than I had ever known happiness in my life. That’s what makes this whole situation so heartbreaking when I see pictures of how happy I was, because that was GENUINE. But it slowly started fading over time, over little mind games at my expense, over her attempts to purposefully make me jealous, especially in a long distance relationship. Her drinking didn’t help the situations either. When we finally moved in together, I think we both tried to push shit aside and make the best of it.. but she cheated on me within our first year of marriage, and lied about it for over a year. But my instinct is never wrong, and I hate feeling stupid or played. Then the drinking got worse, her mental state got worse, our fighting got more intense and she put her hands on me on multiple occasions where she finally got arrested and I left. The country.

I NEVER thought I’d let a girl put her hands on me and get away with it, but I’m not a fighter, and I’m not willing to risk the ONLY form of stability I have, my career, on fighting back in self defense. I’ve BEEN there. In that exact situation. Except with MY OWN FUCKING TWIN. All I know is, I never deserved it. ANY time it’s happened to me, I’ve not deserved it. But it’s happened, and for some reason IT HAPPENS. It’s the shit that boggles my mind the most because people who love you shouldn’t be the same people who hurt you. But that’s all I’ve known and witnessed.. and I refuse to believe that because of what I ‘know’ about how love works, that my entire life will follow that suit. I don’t have it in me to go another round. Which is probably why I will thank myself in time for being so lonely rather than being abused.

PLUS.. I need to move on from the first half of my life and begin my second half… so I’m not 40 years old still reliving the past. Ain’t NOBODY got time for that.

I just pray that when the right person comes along that I know how to accept real unconditional love without thinking it’s a lie. Guess that’s why they say love yourself first. Be easy on yourself, forgive yourself, enjoy yourself with all your flaws and take care of yourself.

https://www.positive.news/society/what-went-right-in-2019/

https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/

I just found a website that dedicates its time to sharing the positive news, and I appreciate that. I need to read more of this – regularly.