The military uses the term “theater” to describe certain areas across the globe where events are occurring that might turn into a more serious situation. When I first heard the term, I thought it was odd that they would use such a term to describe a potential war setting, but it really does make sense when you take a step back. Everything we do in life, in love and in war is a tactic. Hardly ever, is it something that we do where it is spur of the moment… that’s not to say surprises and whims don’t happen.. but for the most part, our actions have some kind of thought behind them.

When you look at life as a theater, it’s almost like you can take the meaning of “life” and really make it something that doesn’t hold much value. In plays and movies we can kill a character and yet at the end of the performance they’re still alive, it was all just for show. I think we as humans act in a very haphazardly way, some more than others. It makes me wonder what their views on life are. Obviously we all should know and understand that this life is not permanent… just as a play or a movie are not permanent… maybe Harry Potter seems to go on forever or Lord Of The Rings… or Batman… those movies never seem to die. But… we’re all acting in a theater, we are all going to die.

I believe we all go to heaven. Even the worst of the worst. I believe there is a process based off the energy that you inhibit while you’re on Earth. Heaven is a high vibrating frequency, and heavens past that and past that until that vibration is so fast and bright that we are all ONE. If you’re on this Earth and you’re letting the negativity shape your thoughts and actions and you’re hurting others or yourself, you can’t operate in a high vibration until you start becoming more like that energy. So when you die, you stay in those low frequencies for what may seem like eternity.. I haven’t quite figured out time yet.. but slowly you will come out of that darkness that you’re in, even if it only take a tiny thought of hope or something just a tiny bit more positive than what you’re currently in. One. Tiny. Hopeful. Thought. At a time.

ONENESS wants every single particle of itself to come full circle. Harmony. Synchronicity.

So what is the purpose of this life on Earth then if we can all float around as molecules? Free will. Experiencing free will in a dimension where TIME is a factor and life is a process. Sometimes things happen instantaneously, sometimes it takes minutes, days, months or years to feel the repercussions of what we are creating. The truth is, we are never going to get away with what we think we are.

The energy that I keep putting out is not the kind of energy that I want to be living in.  I’ve got a beautiful mind, THAT is something I know about myself, something that will never change. I can imagine the type of life I want, the world I want to live in, I can make it as over the top as I want, because that’s my freedom, my thoughts, my world that I can escape to and be completely peaceful in. What I can’t do, which is obvious, is create that world in the snap of my fingers. Because TIME. And also because this world is not JUST MY WORLD, there are billions of other humans and energies and desires and thoughts floating around this tiny globe. I’m sure there is some mathematical genius out here that can calculate the amount of people it would take the think the exact same thought at the exact same time for a period of time to make some tiny little thing happen. 7 billion people times 100 billion brain cells time 60 seconds times 60 minutes equals 1 particle vibrating exactly the same at .000001 second. Or something. IDK.

Whatever. The point is.. I don’t ever want to lose my mind. Which means I have to take care of it, which means I have to take care of MYSELF, which means forcing myself to get out of the negative thought patterns, eating foods that make me feel good and healthy, sitting in the sunshine when it pops out after raining for 3 weeks straight, stretching my body, reading, writing, and creating. AND taking it easy on myself when I catch myself doing something I don’t like. It all seems so easy, and one day, for me, it will be second nature.

I imagine a giant ball of string all knotted up, no matter which end you start on, you can hardly budge the string from the knots. You have to slowly and gently start somewhere and work through and around and back again until you finally get something substantial enough to work with and work that ball back into a piece of string. It’s not impossible. It just takes patience and persistence and a strong desire to actually see that knot come apart and a string come out.

If my life was played out on a theater, I think it would consist of 31 years 6 months and 15 days of me sitting in the spot light, getting handed a long string, dancing and twirling and being dramatic with this string for hours and years, stomping on the string, viciously rubbing this string together in my hands, creating a beautiful, entangled knot… then sitting back down and finding a way to undo it.  Whenever that knot  is undone… so will I be. Back to those lovely vibrations that I miss so deeply.

❤

 

This is my outlet. I’m coming to terms with it.

Normally, I try and go about things in life in a cautious way, especially giving too much information on something like this that can be tracked or be used against me in the future in some way. I was raised to think that way, so it’s ingrained, and it’s gotten me pretty far, in my opinion.

Anyway. I’m in the midst of a manic episode I think? I’m not a doctor or psychologist obviously, but I’m going through something right now that is creating panic within. I’m not scared or upset, but my mind is racing, my thoughts are racing and I’m out of breath. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, maybe even underwhelmed? I can’t decide.

First of all. I don’t know how I’m handling life right now. I’m all over the place, but it’s normal to fluctuate. Some days are good and I’m motivated about getting certain things accomplished, but for the most part I think I’m on auto pilot?? All I do is sleep and wake up and go to work. Honestly, the best part of my day is actually being at work, and even then that’s at a 4 or 5 out of 10. I don’t despise the job.. I enjoy talking to people and finding things to keep me busy… but I’m also bored. Being able to talk to other people is what’s making it  a 4 or 5.

Then I come “home”. And this house doesn’t feel like a home, and that’s foreign because I’d like to think that every place I’ve ever lived has felt cozy and homey at some point just because of the love I’ve put into it and the decorations and everything else that go into making it a home.

Also, I’m so. fucking. horny. It’s indescribable. I feel like I have swapped minds with your average male.. it’s on my mind ALL DAY. And, fortunately and unfortunately for me, I can’t just go out and find someone random to get what I need, especially in this mental state where I am craving human interaction and touch so viciously.

I have to keep my mind busy, or my hands busy or just BE BUSY doing something, which I have been failing miserably at doing lately. I come home and almost instantly go to sleep… which is mid-day for me, then wake up at 8pm or so, pop a melatonin and go back to sleep. I haven’t put away my clothes yet, I haven’t moved this hunk of plastic out of my yard, I haven’t called to get my gas for my house re-filled, I haven’t gotten my car inspected, I have barely been eating or fixing food… somehow I manage to keep feeding this fucking homeless cat that keeps coming around that I’m actually afraid to pet because it has a scab on its head and I don’t want rabies… I don’t know what my goals are for myself, I don’t find it interesting to read or watch movies or documentaries or learn a new language… I think I am just getting by.

I’m tripped out by the fact that I ACTUALLY am alone. Something that in my most hectic times I have BEGGED for; craved…. and here I am. And I’m having heart palpitations about it. I want attention, but I’m so needy right now that even the amount I’m getting isn’t good enough.

What is this shit?!

I honestly feel like I’m about to let some serious “crazy” shine brightly. And I don’t even care anymore. I won’t even try to make it make sense. I won’t delete the words and/or hope that family/friends don’t read this. It’s my outlet for now.

It’s been a little bit since I wrote here. I’ve been sick for a few weeks, but feeling much better. Still have some congestion. I did a 5 day fast and it felt good. Now I want to start doing them more often and focusing on becoming more conscious of what I’m putting in my body.

I’ve changed a few things over the past month or so, and I’m JUST starting to enjoy this process more and more. I no longer drink alcohol or beer, and I’ve successfully been out on multiple occasions where others have been drinking and/or wanted me to drink also and I have no given into temptation or peer pressure. I really like this aspect because I have realized that I can still have JUST as much fun as I would drinking, as I am sober.

Another thing that I am working on changing is learning to be alone. Not just in a relationship sense, but in general. I’m learning how to come home and do things that fill my time up. THIS has not been easy though. I sometimes will spend hours sitting in one spot not wanting to do ANYTHING because it seems daunting, or I will start working on something and become lonely and want to start texting or having some sort of communication. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, in fact I think it’s necessary. I am not in a position right now to be completely alone, I know myself too well for that, and I don’t do well, especially mixed with depression  and needing an outlet to vent my thoughts.

I was talking to someone regularly for a period of a few months, and it came to a screeching halt when I realized I was relying too heavily on that person to get my through my days. I’m dependent like that, but it’s been a huge struggle not to cave in and talk to them and get sucked back into that loop. The mind is habitual but the damn heart is hopeful. I’ve been learning how to LET GO.

I went to my second therapy appointment and we started talking about relationships in general, and he asked me why I feel like I always need to have someone to talk to. I told him I LIKE sharing my thoughts and talking about random things, I’m very intrigued by the human mind and what makes me think a way or do certain things. I love words and how they can be so powerful. My mind feels like it runs at lightning speed sometimes and if I’m thinking something I feel like others who are close to me should know, maybe just so I can get some kind of feedback or validation. I’m used to having my twin. After he left I had relationship after relationship, LONG TERM relationships at that. And those people turned into best friends and partners and my other half (as much as they could).. and I have never been in this situation where I HAVEN’T had that. Then my therapist told me something that I never thought about before, he said “it seems like your personal identity is made up largely of the relationships that you’re in”… YES. 100% true. It is. I’m usually VERY happy being in a partnership with someone, looking for a partner in crime, someone to share my life with and be on the same wave length and push through life together with. What is more awesome than that!?!?! Being SOLO!? Fuck no. EVERY single person who has ever been solo and tried to conquer something USUALLY always does so much better when they have someone else by their side.. it has to be a primitive thing. We just don’t survive alone.

I’m convinced that the reason we DON’T survive alone is because the MIND needs reassurance or some kind of acknowledgement of thought. Yes, we could all roam this planet and think that we have it all figured out, trial and error, living haphazardly.. OR we could have someone with us and relay our thoughts and talk about them and have points of views that WE have never thought about be brought up which would make for a better executed plan.

Long story short. I’m learning how to be alone, but I don’t want it to be forever. And it’s a process.

Anyways.

I’m still getting settled into this house and figuring out the European way of life. This time of my life will work out much better for me if I start and keep writing down my goals and lists. I’m turning into my Dad, for sure. I need it though, especially because my mind gets lost easily and unless I have a list of things I want or need to accomplish, I get stuck.

I spent a good deal of time taking care of my basic needs and surviving in a toxic environment while spending majority of my energy on helping others figure their shit out or try to stay on track that I feel like now the tables have turned a little bit. Now I’m the one that needs to be put on track, and I’m the one who has to do that for me. This might be my karma for being so bossy or thinking I knew the right way all the time. Let’s see if I actually do. I do ;).

I’ve been frustrated by the amount of time it takes to heal, as a person. I fucked up by developing expectations. I want to see results in myself quicker than the it actually takes. So I need to be more realistic. I went back through and was reading some conversations from a few months ago and realized that I’m actually following through with what I said I wanted for myself here. I’m very hard on myself and never think I’m doing enough or being enough… but I actually am. On my list was sobriety… check.. no boyfriend.. check… no random hook ups.. check… and working out more and taking care of myself… check check. So.. I’m on track, I need to keep acknowledging that. And I am not defined by weather I’m in a relationship or not.

❤