I am struggling.

It feels like my brain weighs 25 pounds. I’m sad and angry. It’s been raining for days here, and I’m bored out of my fucking mind. Beyond that, I’m extremely lonely. I guess this is what adjustment is like in a new place. It’s not like I haven’t made friends here, I have. It’s the lack of deeper connection. Maybe that’s why I can’t wait for therapy in 2 weeks, at least they will ask how I’m doing or what I’m thinking about.

I always tell people when I’m helping them, to say 3 things they’re grateful for. I guess now would be the best time to go ahead an apply that, get me a little bit out of this hole.

1. I’m grateful that I will be getting out of this hotel room in 3 days and have a home to go to.
2.  I’m grateful that I am financially taken care of.
3. I’m grateful to be in a new country and learning/seeing something new everyday.

I actually do feel a little it better from that, just saying ‘thank you’ for what I already have and where I am can be a real game changer. I have to keep remembering that I ASKED for this. I really did. It’s one thing to get the ideal set up, but it’s another to have to heal memories so they don’t keep making me feel fucking worthless. The brain is amazing though, isn’t it? I KNOW I can heal myself, but it’s like watching a garbage disposal spin inside the drain… those are my thoughts… and you can’t just stick your hand in there and pull something out.. it’d be catastrophic. You have to slow the blades down to a stop and then do what you need to.. and hope some children of the corn shit doesn’t happen and the thing just start up on it’s own.

I’m having a rough time trying to figure out where to go from here, this point, in my life. It really IS a weird concept… I mean, I have written down some career goals and personal goals like traveling and stuff, but as far as “where do you want to see yourself in 3 years”… I don’t know? My degree will be finished, hopefully both of them will… I’ll have money saved up… I’ll be working out… maybe learn an instrument or something… but after that.. what am I doing? Am I just surviving? Keeping myself alive? For what? Not that I plan on going anywhere any time soon, but what am I doing here? I don’t have a business where I’m helping people, I’m not an influence-r, I’m not a mother, I’m just… living.  Aren’t we all?! What is everyone else doing here?! Just going out and doing some random shit that causes some other random shit to happen and then you have an emotion or feeling about it.. and you keep doing it lol.. Thank goodness I’m taking macro economics, I think I have a good way of zooming out.

Side note… Proud moment.. I went to a club last night and stayed sober the entire time and still out-danced most of the drunk people in there! That’s 1 week sober.