I figured I’d start writing again… so I have a hand written journal, but also getting back into this online blog. The written journal is good for slow, in-depth thought, but sometimes you just need to type while your brain is thinking.

I recently started counseling. It’s been LONG AWAITED. It isn’t that I haven’t tried in the past, it’s just that it wasn’t effective. I’ve always just wanted to go into therapy and start dumping everything out of my heart and mind… seriously. So when the guy asked me to start.. I did.. and I started from the most recent events I could think of. I found myself not really diving into the emotions or re-living, because I didn’t want to get stuck, I wanted to tell as much as I could, and trust me, I’m a rambler. I got out the basics in my 90 minute session, and then I was glad that he started asking other questions that prompted me to go back into memories that I haven’t seen in a long time.

It’s interesting the coping mechanisms I have adapted from trauma. Honestly, I mostly try NOT to talk about a lot of things because I don’t want to be in a pity party.. but it was nice to open up and actually say some things that I haven’t voiced, ever. It’s not like I don’t now certain things about myself, because I’d like to consider myself pretty self-aware, but I think the way some of the questions were asked and the pauses were put in the right place, allowed me to feel something like a strike in my chest. I make excuses for myself and I sort of have a warped sense of self, a lot of things that have happened, I blame myself for, which I don’t think is a bad thing, but it really starts adding up, and it’s almost an easy way of pushing things aside. Blame me for whatever, I don’t care, I’m not too proud to admit that I have made bad choices in life, but it doesn’t mean that what happened is something that I deserved. Just like my habit of thinking that just because I can handle shitty situations means that that’s my role in life so others don’t have to deal with it. Just because you can handle being abused, doesn’t mean that you should. Seems a little sick a twisted after a while. I’m sure there’s a name of a syndrome for that.

I remember being about 8 years old when I really felt like I just wanted to talk to someone, and all I ever got told what “what do YOU have to talk about? Your life isn’t so bad..” then a list of examples of how other people had it worse, so suck it up. Fair enough.. but that pretty much ended up making me feel like each time something bad would happen, that it wasn’t actually that bad and that I should suck it up because at least I wasn’t ::insert worst case scenario::. I tend to project that stance onto my brother and also my sister, and I think that’s why I’ve ended up in this position where I feel like I’m on the other side of the coin than them. I just don’t want to spend my life blaming people for shit, when as I’ve gotten older I’ve been able to relate to some of the hard core emotions that cause some people to do things they wouldn’t do if they had better coping skills.

I saw a video the other day that seeped into my core and pulled out a fear that had been buried for a long time. It was a video of a little boy being beaten.. and his screams and crying were out of pure terror… and I broke.. because that was our house hold more often than not.. and that shit would rock my fucking world. My soul has looked into the eyes of Satan on more than one occasion, and there’s something about being terrified that you’ll never forget. I’m sorry that we had to go through that, I’m sorry to the people who inflicted that… imagine not being in your right mind and wanting to destroy someone’s very existence out of pure hate and anger.. I’m sorry those situations happened. I – can’t- place blame. What good would it do? Would I want to watch someone suffer the rest of their life to pay for their actions? Some would say yes because of the suffering that we all still endure day in and day out… but I don’t think an eye for an eye is always the answer. There is a way to nip a cycle in the bud.. and maybe it’s egotistical of me to think this way, but maybe I’m the one doing in by not harboring these resentments and using them as excuses to not heal completely.

I WANT to heal. I don’t think I was put here to carry a lifetime of sadness, I don’t think that’s my end result. I don’t want to be that old lady talking about my past and how horrible things were and how this could have been different… it’s really up to me to break the cycle.. and trust me I have a cycle.

I fall in love very quickly. I fall in love and am very quick to let people in and give every little piece of me, naively thinking that the other person is trust worthy enough and understands me enough to take care of what I’m giving.. and the truth is, they’re not.. because even I’M not. If I could take care of myself, I wouldn’t constantly be thinking I need something else to fulfill me. I’m not whole because I’ve spent majority of my life pushing tons of shit into tiny spaces within my mind and heart and soul.. and then I want someone else to help me figure it out. It doesn’t work like that… MAYBE at one point in my life when my twin was a part of my life, it actually worked like that.. but there is no other person on this earth who will ever know me as intricately as he did… and even now he doesn’t know me. I have to stop searching for that.

Of course I can keep pushing on. I’m pretty good at it, honestly. I can keep moving. I can keep trying. But there is something fascinating about the circumstance that I’ve gotten myself into. I’ve finally created, or taken advantage of, the opportunity to just take care of myself. I could NOT be in a better position… unless I was making money by default and going to the beach everyday… even then though. I’ve gotten myself here, after years of my heart beating out for a moment like this… and here I am. And I don’t want to waste it and I know it won’t be easy. I have to face myself, I have to realize compulsions and anxieties that push me to make decisions… I have to curb those and change them in the moment, and I have to let go of this control that I think I have over situations in my life. Maybe I can de-clutter all these spaces that are filled with repressed emotions and memories and feelings, and then I’ll have more room in my brain for new memories and useless knowledge of TV shows and actors and stuff that I just can’t retain right now.

One day of therapy has shown me this need to face myself… and I think the rest of what needs to be done will come through more sessions. I’m grateful for these moments, THIS is what makes life worth living, in my opinion. The ability to take ownership of myself and my actions and the ability to create instead of live blindly. I want to level up.

0-8 8-16 16-24 24-32 yea.. it’s about time for another level.