I’ve been pretty sick for a week now, trying to just get through it, but this is exactly how I felt when I had pneumonia a couple years ago, so I’m going to medical tomorrow. I rarely get sick, but when I do I feel like it just all hits me at once. Being in Italy has messed my stomach up a bit, not really sure what it is someone said “you might be allergic to garbage” which made me laugh because there is a LOT of garbage here in Italy, unfortunately.

I’m feeling better today, mentally. Obviously relationships have been heavy on my heart and mind, but I remembered something today that makes me want to try something different. I’ve been so quick to jump into relationships and give everything I have from day one, but I’m not letting things happen slowly and naturally. I’m not giving people time to know me for me, before jumping from A to Z. I want to be with someone who falls in love with ME, my personality, my intellect, my humor, just me. I don’t want another relationship based off of sex. My Mom has told me forever “be friends with someone first, that’s how it’s going to last”.. and I’m like yea yea Ma, I’m best friends with the people I’m with.. but am I? Or do we somehow just end up growing into that? Whatever it is, I haven’t been doing it right for a long time.

There’s this cringy term I’ve been hearing latley: “hook up culture” (why is EVERYTHING a ‘culture’ these days???). I can kind of see it, with all the dating apps and stuff.. I really hope that is not what I’m up against here because I don’t want that shit AT ALL. Honestly, my only real concern at this point is the fact that the older I get, the less likely I think I’m going to find a man who doesn’t already have children. I’ve dated someone who had 2 children, and I loved that person very deeply, even to the point where I wanted children with him.. but it didn’t work out, and I’m glad now. It’s not that I absolutely would NOT be with someone who had a child already, but I guess I just want to share that experience with someone who also doesn’t have any children. But I really shouldn’t be thinking about any of that right now, I need to keep focusing on myself and working on being a better person for myself. I do find my mind wandering outside of myself a lot, thinking about other people and what they’re doing, but I’m practicing refocusing on myself after noticing my thoughts drifting.

I’m moving out of this hotel room soon and I’m super grateful for that, maybe once I’m settled in I will be able to shop for stuff for the house without feeling overwhelmed.

The sun was out today, and a friend of mine said “I think the raining season is over”.. LET’S PRAY FOR THAT!!!

Something kind of embarrassing happened today, not directly to me, but I think I had a little out of body experience and saw this happening from an outside perspective. Out CMC took us outside and gathered us around to talk about our purpose here in Italy (which was really nice because I’ve been trying to figure out what we are actually doing, the big picture) and in the group of people of about 25, 5 were straight out of A school and the rest were relatively young. The CMC kept asking a bunch of questions regarding ‘players in the theater right now’, which is how the military describes who is at war and positions of allies and stuff, and nobody really knew. Nobody could really finish his sentences for him.. and I felt REALLY fucking stupid. It was embarrassing because he has this huge group of men and women surrounding him who are ‘serving and protecting’ and we don’t know about war details, allies, current events, politics in other countries, etc. It really made me want to start looking into all of that, just so I can at least have something to offer in conversation. I used to get this gouge called chinfo news where it would describe kind of what’s been going on in the military all across the world, I’d like to have that again.

❤

I am struggling.

It feels like my brain weighs 25 pounds. I’m sad and angry. It’s been raining for days here, and I’m bored out of my fucking mind. Beyond that, I’m extremely lonely. I guess this is what adjustment is like in a new place. It’s not like I haven’t made friends here, I have. It’s the lack of deeper connection. Maybe that’s why I can’t wait for therapy in 2 weeks, at least they will ask how I’m doing or what I’m thinking about.

I always tell people when I’m helping them, to say 3 things they’re grateful for. I guess now would be the best time to go ahead an apply that, get me a little bit out of this hole.

1. I’m grateful that I will be getting out of this hotel room in 3 days and have a home to go to.
2.  I’m grateful that I am financially taken care of.
3. I’m grateful to be in a new country and learning/seeing something new everyday.

I actually do feel a little it better from that, just saying ‘thank you’ for what I already have and where I am can be a real game changer. I have to keep remembering that I ASKED for this. I really did. It’s one thing to get the ideal set up, but it’s another to have to heal memories so they don’t keep making me feel fucking worthless. The brain is amazing though, isn’t it? I KNOW I can heal myself, but it’s like watching a garbage disposal spin inside the drain… those are my thoughts… and you can’t just stick your hand in there and pull something out.. it’d be catastrophic. You have to slow the blades down to a stop and then do what you need to.. and hope some children of the corn shit doesn’t happen and the thing just start up on it’s own.

I’m having a rough time trying to figure out where to go from here, this point, in my life. It really IS a weird concept… I mean, I have written down some career goals and personal goals like traveling and stuff, but as far as “where do you want to see yourself in 3 years”… I don’t know? My degree will be finished, hopefully both of them will… I’ll have money saved up… I’ll be working out… maybe learn an instrument or something… but after that.. what am I doing? Am I just surviving? Keeping myself alive? For what? Not that I plan on going anywhere any time soon, but what am I doing here? I don’t have a business where I’m helping people, I’m not an influence-r, I’m not a mother, I’m just… living.  Aren’t we all?! What is everyone else doing here?! Just going out and doing some random shit that causes some other random shit to happen and then you have an emotion or feeling about it.. and you keep doing it lol.. Thank goodness I’m taking macro economics, I think I have a good way of zooming out.

Side note… Proud moment.. I went to a club last night and stayed sober the entire time and still out-danced most of the drunk people in there! That’s 1 week sober.

 

Shopping for furniture is weird for me right now.. especially doing it alone. I feel a little apathetic about it. It’s just a couch, but I just imagine that I’m the only one sitting on it, then all of the options seem pointless.

Like Ice Cube said, today was a good day.

I recently learned how to drive a stick shift.. and I kept telling myself I needed to just drive it around in a circle for a bit to figure it out.. but I had places to go and just said fuck it and risked my skill on a 25 minute drive to my work! I made it, safely, and only stalled out once at a round about… but I was super proud of myself while I was driving and when I arrived.. it’s not as bad as I anticipated!

I finally got the keys to my Italian home for the next 3 years. I’m in love. I couldn’t have asked for a sweeter land lady and old grandpa to help me over the next few years.. my stuff should be here next week some time and then I can start making it feel homey. Christmas is around the corner and I need lights!!!

I also got lost today and found a little coffee spot that turns into a bar at night with a 3 liter bottle of Vodka on the counter that amazed me lol.. it’s the little things. I think getting lost is the best way to learn my way around because instead of just looking at the GPS the whole time, I actually start looking at land marks and signs. I also ended up finding a mall, randomly, and got some clothes.. I’m tired of wearing the same 4 outfits.

I can’t tell if I’m losing weight, because my proportions look the same to me, but I definitely feel better in clothes, and my knee caps don’t hurt at all LOL! The struggle was real with that pain last year. I still pop and crack like a granny.. but that’s just in my DNA I guess.

Consistency is one of my goals, and I think I’m doing pretty well with it considering I’ve been going to the gym about 5 times a week for the past month or so.. when I move into this house and have more room to put groceries, I want to start shopping at the local market and keeping fresh food around, I know my body is craving it.. I can’t live off oatmeal and eggs… I think my body doesn’t tolerate grains that well.. and dairy either, which is extremely unfortunate because PIZZA is delicious and I actually really like the mozzarella here.

I talked to my brother in an e-mail yesterday.. and since I’ve been sort of secluding myself to “find myself”, I started actually being able to recall some memories. Actually, all last night, since I ran out of benadryl, I just keep allowing my brain to flow into old memories that I completely forgot about.. it was really nice actually, it was like a little journey. I’m a very visual person, I can remember where I sat in kindergarten, I can remember what someone’s house looked like on the inside, I can remember exact details of certain things. I remember scenarios.. and I guess it was nice to be back in them for a small flash of time.

It’s weird because recently, a few people that I grew up with have connected with me.. and that also brought back memories, from as far back as the age of 6 or 7.. and it’s crazy because these people, even though they were only friends, are somewhat like family to me, for the simple fact that they make me feel like I’m at home or like I have some kind of support or protection. These people who knew me at my most innocent stages in life who grew with me were like brother’s and sister’s, and just by talking to them and relating, it’s been nice. It’s clear that we all took different paths in life.. but it doesn’t stop that connection we have. One of my brother’s best friends, who is also like a brother to me, is in prison and has been for years.. and it was nice to get a message from a mutual friend that I definitely forgot all about.. I said “he was like a brother to me” and he said “he still is he’ll be home soon”… and there was something about that message that made me feel like wow.. even though we all have gone in these different directions, we are still connected.

I had another friend of mine that called me by a name that only they called me and I haven’t heard in probably 15 years or more and I immediately smiled super big when I saw it… I used to have all kinds of random ass nicknames growing up.. squigget or squiggy… that was the one lol. I had a co-worker that would always call me sparkles, another that would call me apple crumb lol.. those names kind of just stuck.. I liked it though.. I guess that’s how I eventually just came up with Crumbini. I remember around the time when I started that I was going through some shit and trying to cope through artwork and meditation and chakra balancing really heavily, and I decided to try and imagine/draw what MY world would look like and what it would be called. Obviously if anybody knows me they know how much I love shiny stuff, sparkly things, diamonds, glitter, snowflakes, silver, rocks, crystals, etc… and the world I created had all that and more. I also tended to be pretty loud and obnoxious at times and ALWAYS wanted to be Italian for some reason (look where I am now.. it’s CRAZY).. so I chose the name Carolini Crumbini and my world was Crumbiniville. And it kind of just stuck.

It sounds a little corny but creating that actually helped me ground myself whenever things started getting too crazy, I could escape into my own little world. It’s also around the time I found the website http://www.near-death.com and it OPENED my EYES. I read the entire website. There’s something comforting about knowing that some people have had such vivid experiences in other dimensions. Especially since I was practicing meditation regularly.. I would have some of the most vivid dreams with colors I can’t even describe, and I couldn’t help but think that part of me was touching those other realities. Some people come back from near death experiences extremely depressed because they know nothing like it here on earth and just want to return to that place. And I can see where they’re coming from, but there is something reassuring about the fact that life is only temporary here. THANK GOD. People that say they want to live forever here… are out of their damned minds lol. That’s why I try to make it my own personal mission to bring a little bit of heaven to Earth.. I really do. Obviously I’m not perfect by any means, I still struggle like everyone else and I still make plenty of mistakes, but when I’m in tune with myself and my goals.. like LIFE goals or LIFE purpose… I feel like I’m succeeding, even if it means that I have to go through some really shitty things… maybe I’ve diving deep into pits negative energy to shed a little bit of light and hopefully bring someone out of that space. I’m not going to be destroyed here on Earth.. I might be down and out and have to re-coop for a while… but I really believe that I have endless amounts of love and light to share here, even on days when I struggle to see that in myself. That’s why this time away from people is good for me, I really need it to remember myself.