Tool- Schism🎶

Here I am again, God. Another closing chapter. I know it’s not my destiny to stay in situations for long periods of time, I’m forever growing and developing myself. I just wish it didn’t leave a hole in my heart each time I have to move on. It’s never more than I can bare, but at times I do often wonder why I have to keep coming back to these lows that are no stranger to me. It’s my bipolar, ever shifting, spiritual journey; I get that. I don’t know what I do to people… I think I have a small idea.. but am I doing the right thing? How can I cause so much chaos inside of people that they end up wanting to destroy me? Am I a living mirror, one that is not easily broken by throwing it to the ground or scratching it? I keep showing people who they are, maybe not even who they are, but how I see them. But who am I to say? (Good song by the way). My mouth always gets me into some kind of situation, but oddly enough it also gets me out of situations. It’s a gift and a curse.

Thank you, God, for my fading memory that seems to make this a little easier. It’s been hard on my heart to keep losing so many people that I have loved so deeply. I can say that each person that I’ve held in my life for a significant period of time, I have loved with all my heart. I’m sorry they can’t stay on this journey with me, from my own twin, to my now ex-wife. It’s crazy how life is playing out… but I guess it all kind of makes sense. It’s sad to realize that I will no longer be in her presence regularly, I will no longer share my thoughts and days with her, I won’t laugh with her and hear about her struggles and watch her creativeness, I’ll just be another person that used to be.

Just give me a break for a while, cuz I’m a drained battery, I can run a little bit on E, but I just need to recharge and be there for myself. If you’re reading this Jai, I never stopped loving you, I just blocked a lot of you out because it was becoming too much to handle. It breaks my heart to watch you struggle with your mental illness and still trying to live a normal life, and who knows, maybe I was a big part of the problem, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be your forever person. Please don’t ever give up on yourself, you deserve the world and you’re a special person in this universe. Keep your head up mi amor, you’re gonna be alright.

-That’s it for now.