I want so badly to not have to keep remembering the past… sometimes I think I’m creating that possibility but rewiring my brain to forget more often. I just don’t want to be the kind of person that constantly looks back on life and thinks about all the shitty times.
Although, recently, I’ve realized that I actually do an amazing job of minimizing my experiences and remembering them as positive… which… let’s be honest doesn’t really sound like a problem now does it?
In the grand scheme of things… nothing is really ever that bad. We ALL get out of here dead, so why trip?
God, this already sounds like a manic rant compared to the past few weeks of posts.. but just wait.. there’s more.
I’m on here right now typing because my mind is replaying scenes and keeping a tally right now. Not that I even need to remind myself, but maybe I DO, since I’m purposefully forgetting shit (AND (triggered) my fucking blurty with yeaaaaars of shit is permanently GONE… #fuckyouBLURTY)
I don’t know what it takes to push someone over the proverbial edge… maybe literal… but GAWT DAMN… I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT, and I am still here… hardened a bit, but still moving forward with a vision and a desire to help others. I’ve been feeling so much more connected to that lately, and I know it’s my passion and my place here on Earth. It HAS to be, because I’ve been doing it for SO LONG. My whole entire life.
I think I remember what sort of prompted this earlier. It was a phone call from a friend of mine whose wife just recently went through losing their unborn child around the 7 to 8 week mark, yet not finding out until the 12th week or so. I checked on my friend to see how he was feeling, and sent his wife a message of condolences. Today, I get a phone call from my friend and he wants to talk about his experience at his new job, and I listen and am genuinely happy that he is doing so well and is happy. I ask about how everything is going with his wife and how they’re all feeling and he tells me it was such an experience that they don’t really even want to TRY to have another one, which is understandable. We talk about him and his life for a while and I mention I’m on my way home to visit my mom who is having a biopsy on her lung for possible cancer, and it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I take note (hence this written novel here) but I move on with the conversation which shifts back to him.
After the call ends, I realize that THIS happens more often than not, to me. In the last month, I’ve been physically assaulted by my almost ex wife, emotionally drained, depressed, had to pack up everything I own in ONE day and move it to storage, move in with a best friend, lose days of sleep, and deal with health concerns of my Mom.
BUT that is NOT ALL, for YEARS I’ve been dealing with a twin brother who comes in and out of my life only for small amounts of time while he is off dealing with his addictions, living on the streets, in and out of jail. I’ve driven 5 hours each way to see him on multiple occasions just to arrive and not be able to find him. I deal with the constant ups and downs of my parents who fight regularly, belittle each other, control each other, guilt trip one another, call me and tell me their sides of the story, and listen to them bad mouth my brother, while I visit them as often as I can because I know they won’t be here forever.. we live 3 hours apart and they’ve come to see ME — ONCE.. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, physically assaulted, had panic attacks, emotionally and mentally fucked with, been raped, had multiple miscarriages, lived in my car, been threatened with a gun, had my stuff stolen, destroyed, been used for money, sex, places to stay, been called a ni**er lover, and have been betrayed by people who I THOUGHT were friends.. and yet I still genuinely care about how some of them are doing.
The point of all this is, I have been through so many different stories and I still keep pushing on and wanting to help others. Some people ask if I’m ok, and it’s not their fault that I’m good at letting them in only surface deep, but some people don’t even TRY to look deeper, they don’t ask the questions that need to be asked. I would have liked it if my friend could have empathized with me a little bit or really asked how I’m doing.
The truth of it all is, I am FUCKING TIRED. I’m exhausted. I haven’t gotten a decent amount of sleep in God knows how long. I am deeply saddened, but I am numb. I can’t feel my emotions, but I KNOW they’re in there welling up, because I’m in a constant state of not being able to breathe, even if I’m sitting still. I’m fucking grieving the loss of someone who meant a lot to me, who I didn’t want to completely lose all contact with, but suddenly was faced with being assaulted and cut off immediately. I’m scared of moving across the globe, by myself, and leaving my parents, who have health concerns and are in the LATE 60’s, alone without family members (my brother) to check up on them and be there for them. I want so desperately to be held by someone stronger than me, emotionally, and just ball my heart out until I fall asleep safely, without judgement. But each day, I wake up, go to work, put on some kind of face (it’s really not even a happy one) and do whatever I can to make the time pass so I can go to sleep and do it again.
Sometimes I even just want to drive, and keep driving until I end up in the middle of no where, away from humans, and lay on the ground and breathe in silence.
Luckily, this numbness keeps me going and moving on. Hopefully the time will come where I can safely open myself up and deal with everything emotionally and cleanse my soul, because I can’t imagine being a living piggy bank of deposited shitty experiences, and never releasing them.
If anyone is reading this, thank you for taking your time out. It’s just a rant. Please send positive vibes strong enough to penetrate these diamond walls.
🤙
Crumbiniville 