Am I too young to want to live alone now? I think I’m approaching my prime, which I’ve been told is “the best years of your life, Ash!”… let’s hope it is. Because at this point it’s hard not to look back and feel like I’ve wasted so much time, but I can’t even completely agree with that either because along the way I learned so much, and the people that were involved in that process also learned so much. I know it because I hear it – years later- and I see their own growth and transition.

Part of me feel like I’ve aged a hundred years, like I’ve lived so many lives, ALREADY, yet I’m still in the same lifetime… from 1988 til 2019… I’m the same person, same name, same family, etc. I’m still me. But I’ve lived so many different variations of myself. I’m tired. I think it’s my time to re-coop. To heal myself from years and years of unintentional damage, some intentional… but for the most part it’s just been years of living my life with someone else and sharing their burdens… and growing immensely.

Moments when I feel sad or lonely, at the end of that dark tunnel I remember that I am never alone… and I think I haven’t spent enough time remembering that. Because even if every living creature died today and I was in fact alone and hella lonely… I know that my angels and my guides are always watching over me, cheering me on and reminding me to fulfill my purpose here. I know that in my heart. I haven’t had conversations with the light in a long time, and I know it is part of the reason I suffer right now.

More later.