I recently attended a two day leadership course where I learned many new ideas on what it means to be a leader; but the main thing I took away was something called having heart. Something that you can see without looking with your eyes and feel without using your hands it having heart. I haven’t been connected to my heart for a while now, roughly a year, and it has not been easy. Don’t get my wrong, some days I’m glad that I don’t get affected by much of anything and can move on with my day right into the next. But sometimes, I want to feel; emotions, empathy, caring, sympathy, love, hurt, happiness, SOMETHING.

I went through a period of time last year where I was overwhelmed much more than I have ever been in my adult life, and it felt like I was trying to take on so much day after day. Then, what seems like all of a sudden (which in reality was more like a week or two) I became numb, and I could FEEL the process. It was agonizing, I felt out of my body, glassy-eyed, unable to communicate effectively, my body started to break down, it felt like I was walking through a heavy fog, and when I emerged, I felt changed, almost like a developed a small form of some personality disorder. I began telling myself nothing mattered and I didn’t care, even still, it wasn’t easy for me to let go completely.

This has affected my personal life in good ways and bad ways.  It was actually beneficial for me to be able to separate myself from all of the stress I was burdening myself with. I was able to realize that I didn’t need to overwork myself to prove my worth, and I began taking better care of my own needs in that way. I was also able to detach myself from situations that would typically set me off easily (something I developed from so much stress). I still like these benefits and I think it’s something I’ve needed to develop in my life for quite some time. However, the negatives are still at play and I’m slowly learning how to overcome them. Not being emotionally or mentally connected to other people, lacking the desire to become involved with anyone past a certain point, showing genuine interest or empathy for someone or a certain situation. I believe I need these traits in order to become a better leader.

Where it comes to having heart, I believe, is getting back in touch with my spiritual side, because that is what initially got me over many low points in my life many, many years ago. So day by day, I will feel something fluttering in my heart or stomach which gives me an indication that I’m feeling again. I had a massive panic attack back in 2007/2008 time frame where I felt like I was having a heart attack, and it repeated daily for almost a week… it FLIPPED MY WORLD completely upside down and inside out. Since that incident, whenever I start feeling similar feelings in my chest I immediately suppress it for fear of reliving that experience. I think we can all agree it’s not fun to feel like you’re dying. But here recently, I have tried to allow these feelings to come and pass because I think I NEED them. I need to feel this so I can actually get back in touch with that side of me that yearns to connect with others on such a  deep level that cannot be expressed in words.

I want to have heart again, but this time I will know how to protect it when I need to. It’s safe to say my marriage  has suffered over the last few years to the point where we are now getting divorced. I haven’t quite felt much about it, other than wanting to get it over with, and I can’t tell if this is a problem or if it’s actually ok to feel the way I do about it. There are moments throughout the days and weeks where I’m in a daydream and I’m lightly mourning the loss that’s occurring right in front of my eyes. I’m so lonely at times, even when we’re in the same room. I want to say all these things about how much I miss her, or how much I care, but my heart only lets me feel a really small percentage of those thoughts, and those are other moments where I’m wondering if what I’m going through is normal or ok? It’s almost like I just want to connect back on the level where we initially started our relationship, and I want to take it day by day until I can see where it started going south, so I could adapt better or at least so I could cherish those moments more. I have no idea what my future holds, but I think I’m going through some major growth in the next few years… I’ve never stopped growing, but I can see a new cycle ahead of me, and I can only hope that I’ll have heart♥

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