Sometimes, it isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes, there will be hurt feelings and wrong doings. Some could say, from far away it’s probably easier to cope with these types of situations because you’re already getting the space you need in order not to be at each other’s throats. But, for most people, the distance makes these situations almost unbearable.

It can be hard to stay motivated and remember why you’re going through this struggle, especially when going through disagreements and arguments. You can’t hug your significant other, you can’t surprise them with breakfast or with a smile, and you also can’t have a sit down, face to face talk where you can SEE the emotions of the other person. Personally, I feel like Jai and I haven’t had that many rough patches, luckily, but lately, it’s gone from my idea of rainbows and sunshine, to complete and utter chaos.

The time is getting closer to finally being together, 1 week, actually. We have been doing this long distance relationship since Oct 2015 and it’s July 2017. Through this time, we have seen each other 6 times, for maybe a week to 10 days at a time. Everything we have known in this relationship has been Skype, phone calls, texts and written letters. I don’t know how it is to live with her and vice versa. But in a week, we will be living together for the rest of our lives. Throughout this LDR, I have tried to keep a positive mind set, I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided to continue this relationship with her, so I told myself from day one that everything would work out just fine, just keep pushing and remember that this is about love. I can’t tell you what was truly on Jai’s mind and heart about us, but I can say for a long time, everything seemed pretty amazing. But then the monotony set it.

It’s annoying to talk about the same things over and over again, it’s annoying to not have much to say because the days just seem to blend together. It’s frustrating to be missing someone so much and knowing that there isn’t a damn thing you can do to bring them to you any sooner than what is already planned. There were days that my heart literally felt like reaching through the phone and pulling her to me, I just wanted her to physically be with me. Lately, I see her face on Skype and instantly I am annoyed. I’m annoyed to see her happily going throughout her day, hanging out with friends and going on adventures that I dream about and think about doing with here every single day. I’m annoyed by her sense of lack of understanding when it comes to my sadness (where I usually get sat, Jai get’s angry or indifferent) and I am annoyed because I feel like a routine that we have had for nearly 2 years in our LDR, has been flipped inside out.

We stopped texting each other goodnight or good morning, we stopped sending each other little gifts or written letters or drawings, we stopped going on our dates once a week for Pho or pasta… pretty much, we stopped doing everything that were the little things that were holding us together. I can’t say when the exact moment was when it all started to feel like it was crumbling, but I’d say for about the past month and a half, we have had more arguments than ever before. I am extremely resentful that Jai can go hours sometimes a whole day without talking to me. Thinking about it right now actually makes me tear up. I miss her and I know she is going to be here so soon, but I can’t help but wonder why things have changed all of a sudden. Is it that she is scared to finally come here? Has she found someone else? There any many things it could be, but without communication and paying attention to one another and valuing each other’s feelings… all I can do is think. All. Damn. Day. I think. It’s unhealthy at this point, and a part of me wants to be able to just say fuck it and pretend like my feelings aren’t hurt and pretend like this is all normal, but it’s not. I don’t want to lie to myself. I’m tired of being sad over all of this. I don’t have all the answers, but I DO have to will to keep pushing for US. I know there will be a new dynamic in a week, and we will have all the time in the world to reconnect, but does that mean that none of these hurt feelings and anger have ever happened?

Everything feels so confusing to me right now because for the longest time, I would NOT allow my brain to slip into a state of question or uncertainty about our relationship. I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, WE are fine and I can’t wait til we are together again. One day.. I stopped doing that. I feel like my world was flipped, everything I never allowed myself to think or feel about us and her, I started feeling and questioning and analyzing. At this point, I’m angry. I don’t deserve to be ignored or talked to like I’m nothing, I don’t deserve to be ridiculed and made fun of for having emotions, I don’t deserve to purposefully be made jealous and a ‘test’ to see how I will react. I don’t fucking deserve to be fucked with like this.. and I don’t know how to go about forgiving her right now.

Sometimes, you just can’t fool yourself into a positive mindset when the Earth below you is clearly on fire.