I just got off the phone with my twin brother. He sounds clean and healthy. He’s been calling a lot more lately, and I’ve been trying to work on my communication with him. Some days I am bitter and I am  short with him, and others I am chatty Kathy. I definitely have resentment towards him, built up over the years; I know as a part of his own personal healing, that my attitude is not beneficial… but I too am working on my own healing. I got a chance to spill a little bit of what’s been on my heart for the past 6 years after he apologized for not being a part of my life. He admitted that he put our relationship on the back burner because he had his own problems to deal with and he ‘knew that we would work it out much later in life.’ I can appreciate that, I know where he is coming from, and yes, he definitely did and still does have things that he needs to work out, and I’m thankful that he has had the opportunity to do that and it seems like it’s really sinking in this time. He also admitted that his mind has played tricks on him and has caused him to think that our family wanted nothing to do with him, when in the back of his mind he kept telling himself that wasn’t true.

Schizophrenia is such a crazy disease, no pun intended; let alone being a infantry veteran with PTSD and major drug abuse problems… I will never blame him for going through the struggle he continues to go through, but I did have to remind him that EVERY SINGLE DAY he has been the topic of discussion in our family, and I say that with not an ounce of exaggeration. He has never been hated or unloved, our entire family has suffered for years. There has been anger, unimaginable sadness, violence, good memories and bad… but when it comes down to it, all we have wanted was for him to be better and to feel like a whole family. Each one of us has resentments towards one another… it has taken years for me to try to understand why I was born with a twin, but have grown into an adult without. I went from spending everyday with him growing up with such a unique bond, to having nobody there. I went through a lot of growing as an individual, I didn’t know who I was without him, it was like somebody cut off the entire left side of my body and expected me to carry on, as normal, through my day/life. I resented him for seemingly not caring anything about me, for not being there for my parents, for having me carry the burden of taking care of our family (my parents).. my mom has health issues, he was never at the hospital, my sister has 2 kids and he doesn’t even know who they are, my parents are aging, they’re in their mid 60’s and I’m dealing with the conversations of how they wan to be buried, what they want to do with the house, power of attorneys.. etc. I would have loved to have worked as a team and felt like a whole support system… but life is a funny thing.

This has all been about growing. I can be grateful that I’ve had two loving parents who have been my support system through the years. If I hadn’t been dealing with the ‘loss’ of my twin, I may have not gotten the opportunity to build such a close and strong bond with the two people who mean the most to me.We have struggled together. I can be grateful that I have learned how to be independent, when I was younger, my brother was so much more of an extrovert than I was, he made majority of my friends for me haha, sounds crazy, but it’s true. I was just awkward. I have learned how to be my own person and not rely on someone else to give me confirmation that I’m always searching for. I’m grateful that we are now working on re-developing our relationship, rather than being close up until now and then all of a sudden have a falling out. I feel like it’s harder to deal with those the older you get… we still have time. I’m also extremely grateful that he is alive and wasn’t killed in the line of duty. I will keep it at that.

Through talking to him on the phone tonight, I have realized something… his mind works much more differently than most. He get’s lost in thought very easily. He is perpetually bored. He WANTS to do something… but he doesn’t know where to start.. so I am grateful that we are talking again and that I feel like I have found a way that we can bond again. While talking to him he kept saying “I’m bored…. I guess I’ll watch tv… but I don’t want to watch tv… I’ll just go to sleep… but I don’t really want to go to sleep… there’s nothing to do…” So we started talking about goals and I found out that the way his mind works now is that of Dori off finding Nemo. He forgets VERY quickly and he also has to be told what to do step by step… having figured this out, I said ” do you have paper you can write on?” he said “uhh yea, hold on let me get my paper……. what do I write?” (we had JUST talked about what to write)… I said “Monday… call (so & so)…. get stamps… mail letter… go to court house and get attorney”etc. After this conversation we had, it was like his voice was filled with hope and happiness… like he appreciated the fact that someone was trying to help him figure things out and untangle this web that he is circling. I told him “You should call me every Sunday and we will make a list for the upcoming week.” and he loved that. I make lists myself, and I’d love to help him do the same if it means that he can start working towards a life that he wants. I’d love to see that for him. I’d love to help him create his new life. That’s my twin… I’d do anything for him.♥